Two Easters ago...I miss these girls. 

The Real Deal

Makes no sense but I am really in a good mood right now. I am in this nice house with this nice husband with a nice glass of wine. ( Well known fact about me: I am a big fan of wine-in-a-box.) I have been playing the CD from Jackie a lot these last few days; a CD she made for several women friends experiencing some huge trials. Every Season by Nicole Nordeman is one of the songs on the CD. Everytime I hear it I think of Cheryl singing that song at my mom's memorial breakfast and I get teary. Truth be told, I often find myself thinking, " I want my mom!!!" It would be so good to have her here right now with her wry little smile letting me know she totally believes in me.

The other song that has been huge for me is Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns. (Drew, if you are really cool, you could put that cool link thing on here for me. Note: I feel like I should swear or something here, based on Drew's blog about women but I'll let it go.) Anyway, the other night I cranked that song so loud, Greg and Cheryl probably heard it in Texas.

The chorus goes:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.

So yeah, it makes no sense. Katie's future is still uncertain. I have lost a beautiful daughter to suicide. I went through a divorce I never wanted. My mom, dad and sister are gone, too, but I still think my life has meaning and I can not wait to see what tomorrow holds. I have a future and a hope. I have dreams and a wicked sense of humor that makes me smile. I have all these great kids and grandkids and friends and family. I have a job that I actually like a lot. So the real deal is life is good and I am very, very grateful.

Added at 7:00 AM Thursday: And so today I decided it is time to start walking again. The Overnight is in August and I'm doing it. I didn't walk long, maybe 20 minutes but I was not 15 feet out of the house when I heard all the birds singing. And the loudest and clearest? A beautiful cardinal perched at the very top of a nearby tree. I can feel the endorphins (sp?) popping...

Weirdest blog ever...

I am writing this blog at Katie's request. In one week Katie will need to leave Respite Care where she has been for the last two weeks. It has not been a picnic, period. For many, many reasons Katie can not be housed here at 921. Things like boundaries, co-dependency, our need to focus on the kids well being are involved.

In God's infinite wisdom, there is a place out there somewhere where she can begin her journey to wholeness in the real world. She will not be able to drive for a while. She wants to get a job, a wholesome job, not cocktail waitressing so location to something, hopefully, walkable would be great. And although she can't live here, Pete and I can drive her to her various meetings ( LOSS, Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide and Bipolar support group) and counseling appointments.

What she needs is a place to stay for hopefully two months. I know that what I am asking here is big but God is bigger. She is open to suggestions. This is her ask.

If you have any ideas, promptings, whatever, either comment here with your email address or send directly to my email, bakpak2@comcast.net.

Romans 5: 5

"we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

I sometimes feel like right now I have enough character to be a full length comic book. But I also have hope. And hope does not disappoint.

Look at little Isaiah sound asleep on the step. That little guy has his whole life ahead of him. Pray with me that God continues to pour out on all of us. Pray for Katie right now; the struggles, the demons she must wrestle with, that they would be banished. Sometimes she is close and then it all tumbles, again. She is in respite care and has one more week there and then the unknown. Let it be known.

Isaiah, all tuckered out... 

Making cinnamon rolls before church. 

Enjoying the final results! 

Kristin and I. What would we do without her? 

One of Laurie's girls from LGYC wrote this and gave it to me at Laurie's wake. We read it at the balloon watch this March 2nd. So neat... 

March 23, 1975

31 years ago today I accepted Christ as my saviour. My other birth date, my new birth into His Kingdom. What would my life be like if Brian and Sharon Killins had not invested in me and Denny those many years ago? I do not want to imagine.

I would have no assurance of someday seeing my sister Lin, again, my mom, my dad, Laurie. Too awful to dwell on. But the reality for me is knowing that I will see them and so many more again. Eternally, forever with Christ on the throne.

Irony, another twist, a God thing? Yesterday my friend Karen and I met at the nursing home where her dad had been taken to following his hospital stay. Karen asked me to come and pray with her and her dad in the morning before we both went off to work. Her dad was very weak but he recognized me right away, with "Hi, Barb". Karen and I prayed over her dad; after praying, I spoke quietly to him and asked me to tell me what he had done for work before he retired. (Of course, I knew, I just wanted him to talk.) He had been a plasterer for 50 years. We talked about all the places in Chicago he had worked on. One was Children's Memorial Hospital, his work still there. His craftsmanship still stands in many places...he left a mark and a legacy of three wonderful daughters, a marriage of 58 years, five grandchildren and a host of friends...Mr. Alluri moved into his eternal home last night with his family surrounding him. Another friend I will see some day.

Trials seem to surround us at every turn. Suffering, too. But He is on the throne. My heart tells me that my life without Him would have been so very different. At my counselor's today I spilled my guts about all that has gone on in the last three months and towards the end of my time with Glenn I said that I know people are worried about me, thinking that this seems more than one could/should be able to bear. I told him I feel okay, almost strong. Glenn, a Christian, said that this is because I have put God on the pedestal, not this mess, not the worry, just Him where He should be. Well, how about that? Simple faith. I am so thankful for that day in March 31 years ago where I said with great fear and trepidation, "Okay, Jesus, I accept your free gift, eternal life in heaven, even though I am just another fallen sinner. I get that you died for ME. You took my place when all I had earned was a sure death in hell. " Was the promise that this would be an easy road? No, but He did promise that He would be with me every step of the way.

And one more thing. When Karen and I talked on the phone this morning, what do you think she saw just outside her window? A cardinal, of course. God's little reminder, He is with us...

Isn't this the coolest lighter ever? Thanks, Kim. 

Focus

In the morning without my glasses on, I can bearly see the clock. I put on my glasses, get to the bathroom and pop in my contacts and I am good to go. Focus is pretty crucial. In a few days Greg will have laser surgery to correct his sucky vision. Chris, Christa, Heidi, Mandy have already experienced this modern day miracle. I am content at this point to keep popping in my contacts, but what I need is focus...real focus.

We had a disgusting "family" meeting today. I am learning what it means to be bipolar; I am learning that the role as mom, mentor, mediator is up for grabs when it comes to this disorder. Everything goes into a grab bag and you never know what you are going to pull out. I think today I pulled out a handful of slime. So did Tommy. It is still dripping off me.

So I need to focus, where does God want me to be in this? Focused. 20/20 on Him. Not the mess, not the stinging words, not the tragedy. Focused on the One that sees every trial, every valley, every tear...Give me focus, okay, God?

And tomorrow I am going to blog about the coolest lighter in the world. Given to me by the coolest Grand Rapids girl in the world whose birthday it is tomorrow!

Uphill...

Sometimes I feel like I am pushing a 2 ton boulder uphill. Then today the new series is about Jesus's last days "Uphill" At the end Bill Hybels asked that any of those who felt like life was an uphill battle right now to stand. He asked the seated congregation to lock on to anyone standing and prayer earnestly for them right in that moment. There was power in that moment as Pete and I stood with his arm around me.

I am intensely aware of many other prayer needs around us right now: My Aunt May just passed away this past Friday, My Aunt Carlene passed the Friday before. All their families are feeling loss right now. My sweet friend Karen's dad is gravely ill. Friends struggling with addictions. Katie struggling to find Katie. Lots of uphill battles but lots of us to keep praying for each other.

Last night I decided to see what Laurie was experiencing in Mexico at this same time three years ago and those pages are below. In her journaling she was doing a little exercise where each day she used the next letter of the alphabet to give an attribute about God. Just reading those pages reduced the boulder to maybe half a ton. I can do that!

You are Interesting... 

You are Joyful. You are the King...

10 days

It has been 10 days since we got the first call from Katie, actually at 2:00 AM. Monday March 6th ...from a police station. She was alive, she had not taken her life, by God's grace (does that sound strange?) she was arrested. More details than that are not necessary. Tommy, Pete and I went and got her and took her straight to the emergency room at NW Community hospital, the same hospital she gave birth to Nora and had left without her baby. The same place she had spent time in the psych unit many, many years ago. Where has this ten day journey led us to? Katie being in a safe place now, learning she is bipolar with several other factors including severe depression and post traumatic stress disorder. One psychiatrist has described her as being in a three month manic state. The change in her already is striking. She is looking more like Katie; she is smiling, she misses the kids and is involving herself in their lives again.

She is writing, journaling, reading. And this, she gave me yesterday when I visited her.

"Have you ever been broken? I don't mean the "cracked" kind, not the "pile of pieces" kind either. I mean the kind where you are a pile of dust and to rebuild is unfathomable...

Nearly...

I'm the dust. I'm the hammer that shattered everything. I'm the broom that nearly swept it all away.

And I'm here, knowing that it is from the dirt of the earth that comes beautiful flowers and bountiful harvests. With a lot of work, and a lot of faith, good can still come of me, from the dirty, dusty, broken pieces that are me..."

It hurts so much a mom to know the pain your children have experienced. I have recently reread Laurie's letter. I know Katie is trying to dig out of her pain. It is a smashing blow to my heart to know I can not relieve any of the pain my daughters have lived with. I can only ask Him to seal each of us with His healing touch.

My Heroes...

Given friends think too much of me and my faith, know that I am just plugging along for Him. There are a few right now that I am thinking are really heroes. One is Pete. He defines grace under pressure. Always there for me, always able to make me laugh. And Drew is that too. We have the most weird senses of humor.

Tommy is a hero. Juggling work, the kids, Katie's care. Sometimes I know he is overwhelmed by it all but he is trying so hard to trust Him in it all of it. Shelly, my friend, is a hero. Suffering through the loss of her mom, helping so many around her through unbelievably tragic times, having her own big, big monsters to get past. Yet Shelly has been so faithful to leave me calls, send me notes and CDs of songs that she knows will help. Diane, Eileen, Karen, Eve, Jackie, Debbi, JoAnne, Gail, more than I can remember right now do the same. Everyday heroes.

Katie, though it does not seem to ring right, is a hero. Yesterday walking with her into her new hospital. Bravely lugging two plastic bags filled with her stuff. Taking a breath and saying to me " I love you." Knowing she is going to have to face a future dependent on many factors.

And last night, Sarah, the babysitter for Denver, Maya and Isaiah. Wow, now there is a hero to me. I fretted so long about getting the kids into Oasis, a Monday night ministry for children of parents who are experiencing marital strife. "Rules" kept them out and I was so frustrated and pulled every string I could, gossiped about the "rules" to no avail. Sarah took matters into her own hands. She volunteered to help in the ministry providing the kids she cared for were allowed to participate. Yesterday she drove from her home in Elgin, cared for the kids in Berwyn, brought them back to Elgin to meet her family, got them to Oasis (which they loved). Got them back to Berwyn, put them to bed and then maybe had a few minutes to herself. Moving three little kids anywhere is tough. She is tougher. When I saw her last night at church, she reminded me a combination of Katie and Laurie. Red hair done up in braids. What better caregiver? Thank you, God, for this hero. To see her pictures and perceptions of Denver, Maya and Isaiah, check out her blog. http://www.ahorapuravida.blogspot.com/

Just a few heroes...

The roller coaster chugs on...

Now a week a way from the frightening events that brought Katie to being admitted to a psychiatric crisis center, I am caught up on the edge of supporting her with everything I have and knowing that the decision to get better is hers alone. We are frustrated with HIPA laws, burdened with insurance tangles but almost giddy that she is alive.

Today I will be transporting her from the place where she has been for the last week to a better facility where individualized care will begin, much different than the, excuse the expression, 'One flew over the cuckoos nest" atmosphere that prevailed. The diagnosis I long suspected, bipolar disorder, depression, psychosis is a beginning. Right meds, counseling and God, the tripod of help begins. Will it work? I can only pray.

I have asked some of my close friends to keep an eye on me. I am calling for an appointment with my counselor today. Grieving Laurie's death has been put aside and I am on overload. Tonight I AM going to Grief Support; I know I must to retain some kind of sanity.

Friends continue to let us know they are here for us in any way needed. So good to know. And through all this, I still find reasons to laugh. Friday we honored my Dad (and Mom) by finally having their remains interred at Abraham Lincoln National Cemetary. (That's not the funny part!) The ceremony was beautiful; we were moved to tears several times. And then the part we know Dad would have loved: an actual 21 gun salute. Three rifle volleys from seven elderly soldiers, instructions to cover the little ones ears. These uniformed volunteers end with a flourish where they twirl their rifles around and slam the rifle down next to their feet. Fortunately for me because I would have burst out in laughter, I could not see but one of the rifles broke into two pieces as it was slammed down. The sweet soldier picked up the two pieces and never broke stride as they marched off. Our attendant said she had never seen that happen before...

And then, Friday early evening, I am off to get to the hospital to see Katie. Stopped at a light I am reading over some of her paperwork. After a minute I realize I am not paying attention and think the light had changed and just step on the gas. Oops. Light had just changed and I rear end the car in front of me. For crying out loud, anything else? The part that makes me laugh? It turns out our accident happened just inside our village limits and I have a minute to tell the policeman who I am, does he remember the Laurie Boncimino story from last year? Tell him where I am going and he goes into amazing compassionate mode. I almost thought he was going to yell at the guy I hit for backing into me! I am not worried about the ticket; I am acutely aware I need to be extra alert when I am driving...

Here we go into a new week. Better than last Monday when I was dry heaving from exhaustion and worry. A new week, a new beginning, I have a measure of peace.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous, Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9.

Thanks, Kathy.

This is hard...

Not too hard for Him. Still many, many decisions to be thought through, prayed through. Katie's decisons...Our decisions...

I welcome your prayers. If you have information you think is helpful to us, my email address is bakpak2@comcast.net

Words are so powerful...

As I logged on just now, these are the exact words I just heard from the TV in the kitchen. I could not agree more. Words are so powerful. The power of blogs, the power of the spoken word, the power of emails, thoughtfully written out. And as of right now, this minute, all my saved emails are gone. Every one. Every email sent to me that I put in a file named "Encouragement",; every one I had in a file named "Laurie"; everyone I had in a file named "Family pictures"... gone. Can we recover them? I hope so. Just in the last few days I received some powerful emails that I had not yet responded to.

But is this minor problem going to yank me down. Not so much. I trust that the emails I will need to prop me up will reappear. What I really need now is God's power for tomorrow. Have I been strangely quiet the last few days? Yes, I have and is it because the anniversary of Laurie's death has overpowered me? No, it is because since Sunday afternoon and evening and into the early hours of Monday, we have had to relive the awful events of last year, this time, Katie.

I have hesitated to blog about what has been happening. Now most of our family is informed and I have prayed about what to say here. At this moment Katie, my beloved, beautiful Katie is in a psychiatric hospital. The events leading to her being there are so painful but I know God has had His hand on each event, each prompting, each moment. Tomorrow, several of us are meeting with the case workers, doctors to make decisions on what is the next step for Katie. The only thing I know is that I want to ask to pray before we begin. Our meeting is at 1:00 PM. If you are reading this, please pray for God's wisdom, discernment, mercy at this time.

It was not Katie's time to join Laurie. Thank you, Lord, for that. I know this seems absurd. I know that what has gone on with us over the last year is beyond what any one should have to endure but somehow, God, You want to use us for Your glory. May it be so...Give me Your strength, give Tommy Your peace, give the caseworkers a supernatural sensitivity to Katie and what she needs. Give Denver, Maya and Isaiah the strongest sense of You. Lord, words are so powerful. Give us the right words...

Smile because it happened.

We read a lot of Dr. Seuss books around here and watch Cat in the Hat movie pretty often. Imagine my surprise when I read the quote on our bathroom calendar. (Yes, we have a bathroom calendar. It hangs on the closet door. Through the years Pete and I have written little notes of encouragement to each other in the little squares.)

The quote for March:

Don't cry because it's over...
Smile because it happened.

Dr. Seuss

Jammie, Kendra, Becca, Here is the picture you asked for...Love you, Barb 

Right now...

Hmmmm... I have just come home from the 30th Anniversary party for some wonderful friends we know through church and PADS. One of their sons was in my house group in Student Impact, Mike. Not only were we guests, Pete was the DJ. I was marveling at how Mike has matured, how Sue and Lee were so cute with each other. When it was mentioned that Sue and Lee were 18 and 21 when they married, I felt a pang...that was exactly the age Denny and I were when we married. And we made it 18 years before we crashed landed in divorce. And tomorrow, March 4th would have been Pete's and my 17th wedding anniversary. (We changed our wedding anniversary, to May 5th, Cinco de Mayo. With Laurie missing last year on our anniversary, we just could not keep that date to celebrate.)

Today has been a tough day. The planned activities for the one year anniversary are over. How do I step up to the plate and move forward? Is grieving over? Have I left the House of Mourning? Not by a long shot. But do I have reason to go on living? I do. I have a great husband, a great family, unbelievable friends...and above all, a Father in heaven who is cheering me on. Tonight I will sleep well. Tomorrow, a new day.

We miss you, Laurie... 

We gathered.... 

We fed homeless people in her honor... 

We cried.... 

We remembered... 

The Open Box under People to Love is yours... 

My To Do List...

A year ago tonight my world changed forever. This night I stayed up all night waiting, waiting for a call from her. Scott and I talked again and again. Katie and I talked so many times that night. Where is she? Why haven't we heard from her? This is not like her.
And now I know...

I went to the lake today right after work. My co worker had brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a card. As I neared the Planetarium around 5:15 I thought of how deserted it was. Was it like this last year? A man came out of the Planetarium, smiled at me and proceeded to put a 5 gallon bucket with a cutout over his head. He said "We made helmets today." and walked off. If Laurie had had this same encounter, would it have changed her mind?

I brought the bouquet to the spot where she had left her jacket and cell phone and placed the flowers there. It is so cold...Laurie, Laurie, Laurie. I love you, sweet girl.

My To Do List? Change the world...by being myelf.