From my heart: January 2008

California Dreamin'

It made me smile to log on tonight from my hotel room and see the comments saying I was missed. I had just gotten off the phone with Pete and texting with Katie, both of them saying they missed me too.

I just arrived here in California this afternoon where I am going to be working at a conference in Anaheim for a few days. The break is good; I need to clear my head a bit. What I forgot when I arrived at the John Wayne Airport was that the last time I landed here was three years ago. Laurie was already here to stand up for a friend's wedding and things at that wedding did not go great...old details, old news, fresh pain, remembering that time.

I am in a heightened sensitivity/awareness of her loss...last night was the first night of the winter session of Grief Support. It is always a tough night with new faces, new stories of heartbreaking loss and as the small group leader of a child loss table, I tell our story first. Even as I spend three minutes or so describing what happened, I still can't believe it. When I tell the others at my table that I so wish they did not have to be there, we all get it. Not in our wildest, most terrifying nightmare do we allow ourselves to think about losing our child. And if there were any way in the world we could have prevented whatever happened, we would have.

On the plane I read almost all of Shauna Niequist's book, Cold Tangerines. There is a chapter where she and her mother are taking a course and are sharing a hotel room when they get a call that Shauna's brother, Todd has been in a car accident, this just weeks after his best friend had died in a car wreck. Shauna describes what happened right after that call when they knew that although it had been close, Todd was fine. Her mother, Lynne, begins to sob, deep gut wrenching sobs. Lynne went over to where Shauna sat on her bed and they both put their hands over Shauna's pregnant belly and Lynne cries to her not yet born grandson, Henry to be careful, be careful, be careful, Little Henry. It is a powerful moment for Shauna knowing the ferocity of a mother's love and the heart stopping terror of losing a chikd. If only we could always protect our children from all things...to have superhuman strength, knowledge, never let them out of our sight.

It comes down to trusting that God knows the story; He does not promise we will escape tragedy but He will see us through it. I have to admit though, I am doing a little California dreaming...dreaming that life could be easier, easier for so many I know right now, me included.
I'm going to sleep now...maybe in my dreams?????

The twins are absorbed in their book.

Rylan models his Woody cowboy hat for Kylie and Grandpa.

Our taste test of Malaysian "pancakes"

Acquainting the twins with Malaysian family...

Hay and Reece visit.

Alice H. Thanks. This affirms what I believe.

In the meantime, "Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power...for your struggle is not against flesh and blood, but...against the powers of the dark world and against spiritual forces of evil...stand your ground and after you have done everything, stand" (Ephesians 6:10 and following, more or less!).

He's baaaaaaacckk...

Just a little FYI. Drew is back and can be found on the link here. Yippee!

And thank you for so many wonderful comments to the last blog post. I am pretty introspective right now and wanting to figure where I am most useful...to God, to my family, to those around me and to the bigger world.

One thing I am excited about is our church taking a big bold step and as a church we will be going through the Bible in a chronological format, mostly using "The Story" by Zondervan. In fact, Willow is so on board with this, if someone could not afford the books, they could just ask to have it put on teaching pastor Randy Frazee's account and it would be taken care of. (There are versions for kids, too.) Now there is no reason for anyone not to be able to take part. And there's more...If you can not make it to Willow's New Community on a Wednesday night for the teaching, there will be streaming video put online by Friday of the same week. Interested? Go to www.willowcreek.org and check out "The Story" link.

Picture Albums...

Now and maybe for a long time, more of this blog will be photos. I really wish it did not need to be this way but it seems to be the only way I can go. Promise me, none of you will have your magnifying glasses up to the pics to "search" for clues. There aren't any.

This whole blog started as a means for me to process Laurie's death, the suicide of my beloved 20 year old daughter. I think it served that for a long time. Now, I don't really know what it has become except maybe a point of irritation to some; a place to point out that they weren't mentioned to others; a place where some have faithfully offered prayers and encouragement; a place where we've shared a few laughs. A place where I made new friends...Shelly, Debbie, Marla, The Red Jeep buddies, Samantha, Camille, Jackie...others just quietly in the background. All in all, quite a phenomenom, don't you think?

So, I am not done, as in stick a fork in me, "I'm done". I'm just a little tender right now. As in, "Ouch, I hurt all over" like a really bad sunburn. So to those nutty 100+ of you per day who still click to this spot, I love you and thank you...I'm not done. Actually, I'm medium rare.