The setting of the sun...

I have been paying attention to the sunset these last few days. When does it really get dark? When did she really do it? That's the dark part...not really the sunset, but when, then why? But she did...

Greg has written about how he is holding up, strongly and for that I am so glad. Chris, Christa, Kristin, Cheryl, Pete, Tommy...mostly okay. Katie, not sure...It's just hard. It is trauma. It is unnatural.

I am so thankful for the various comments of encouragemnt, notes, emails, calls. Each one comes at a time when I am slipping some. Today my haircut with beautiful niece Molly, we both had to stop talking and just let some tears fall. And prayers...how I know we covet them. Thanks for that so much, all of you.

I am acutely aware this is so hard for everyone, her friends. I just can feel their own heartbreak. What a long week this is. Today I found something sweet, at least to me. Jackie Reitsma's blog from Feb. 26th. She has there an archived photo from the planetarium on March 2nd, 2005. It was taken about the time I left a voicemail on Laurie's cell phone. I am praying Laur heard my voice telling her I loved her and was praying for her and she saw that beautiful setting sun.

March 2nd, 2006 

This week ahead is one I have been told to anticipate and plan for. Plan on doing things that will have meaning and help us absorb that it is has truly been a year since that first phone call from Kristin saying, "Laurie didn't show up for the astronomy exam."...

At first I did not think I wanted to go down to Lake Michigan but I have changed my mind. Kristin and I are going to meet after her class and be down there around 11:30 or so. The time on a receipt we found in the Jeep showed Laurie stopped and bought some orange juice at a little shop not far from where she left the Jeep at 11:32AM that day. The Jeep was parked by the Art Institute; did she visit there? We won't ever really know but I like to think that even in her confused state of mind, she chose to look at beauty in her final hours. If others choose to join us by the lake, I think that would be fine.

I wrote about maybe doing a balloon launch back on February 7th and that is what we are going to do. Since we have a helium tank and plenty of balloons and this was Laurie's home all her life, it is logical that we will release balloons from 921 Belmar Lane. 5:00 PM is the time we would like to do this since it is still light and one more piece from her note, she had waited until dark to go to the lake. In Greg's blog he wrote about Ashley taking some of Laurie's ashes to be sprinkled at Disney World at the same time. I like that idea.

The balloons will have Laurie's card attached and as we release them, I think it would be great if we could express some memory of Laurie or some way she influenced us. And it is my hope that those balloons land somewhere to be found by someone who needs to hear her story. We plan on having dinner here for whoever wants to join us. If this is something you want to do, please know you are invited. And for those who don't live close by, maybe you can print the card and do your own little ceremony.

And the last piece of that day reflects Laurie's love for reaching out to the homeless. Our recent PADS update, among many needs, said there was a need for 25 lunches on March 2nd to be given to those guests who will stay at Willow PADS site this Thursday. The lunches are given to the guests as they leave early Friday morning. The sacks can be decorated with verses, stickers etc. I think some of Laurie's written words would be perfect to add to the lunchbags.

And in the sadness, there is joy. Joy in a life well lived, a young woman who had love for her family, love for her friends, love for the Father and Son. Twenty amazing years. And it is a time to celebrate other lives, too. Our dear friend John's birthday is March 2nd and so is our new little World Vision daughter, Lizzie Kahata. (See my Jan. 18th blog) She will be four. May her life be blessed.

Okay, I'm ready, I think...

In Loving Memory of...

I just got done proofreading the memorium that Pete and I decided to put in the local paper next week. They misspelled Laurie's name: Lauire. So glad I got a chance to play editor and correct it. What strikes me as so surreal is that it has almost been a year and I still expect her to walk in after working a shift at Starbucks. I would so love to sit down with her and talk over life and especially what we can do to help Katie. She would be pitching in with the kids and creating her unique moments of laughter, helping them through the pain of missing their mom.

And another odd happening, I had my first dream with a grown up Laurie in it Sunday night. I am still smiling over it. We were shopping in Gurnee Mills and had stopped for a break and had coffee. I had one more stop to make and told her I would make it quick but I knew she had to leave and it was okay. It was okay for her to leave...I can't believe I said that but what it tells me is that I am at peace that she left. Sad but at peace. She is dancing with angels.

Smiles all around

It was so very sweet...

Adoption is an amazing process. We are adopted into God's family when we make that decision to accept Christ as our saviour. We adopt traditions and make them our own. And children are adopted through the huge sacrifice of a birth mother and father. Hayden and Reece are my two darling, adopted grandsons; that dynamic duo are in Disneyworld right now. We are forever indebted to two birth moms for entrusting their sons to Chris and Christa as their adoptive parents.

Sunday, Katie and I got to meet Nora, another of my eight grandchildren, who we had not seen since she was 18 months old and it was so sweet. I was with Katie when she gave birth to Nora and now I got to be here for this meeting. Nora is now nine, coming up on ten in May and a beauty. Nerves gripped all of us as walked up the sidewalk but smiles and hugs all around put everyone at ease. Nora has been adopted into the perfect family for her, their love for each other very apparent. Saying grace before we ate was especially great, me sitting between Nora's grandma Betty and Nora's sister, Samantha, Katie next to Nora across the table. We know this evening is not going to be repeated again for probably a long time but it filled some gaps for each of us. Sweet, bittersweet.

Clear, bright, sunny, crisp...

The temperature outside today is 5 degrees. BRRRRRRR...but it is beautifully sunny and clear. And like a few days ago, my mood matches that. I am refreshed and feeling good, almost crisp. No aches, no pains, well, except for that dumb arm thing (probably should go to the doc on that one.) but overall, refreshingly at peace. I am knowing that the prayers of many hold us, hold me.

One of my favorite pasttimes, shopping, brought fun, unexpected pleasures yesterday while I was off buying a birthday gift for our niece, Valerie. (happy almost birthday, Valerie) and a photo album for picures of Katie and our family to give to Nora who we will be meeting tomorrow. I could use prayer on that one, too. This will be the first time Katie and I have seen Nora since she was about 18 months old.

So wandering around Kohl's, my favorite store, the magic sign "All Red Clearance tickets, 50% off" catches my eye. Yippee! Bargain Barb at her best. After making Pete look at every purchase and guess how much it was and then how much I paid, I totaled the original cost - $367 and what I actually paid - $43! Ah, I love a bargain. And today on this cold, crisp day, I am wearing a soft, fuzzy turquoise turtleneck sweater (Orig. $49) that I paid $4.25 for. Sweet. And right now in this minute, I am feeling hugged by God.

Dreary, dreary, weary...

Ugh, I can't stand this dreary, wet, soggy, cold day. It matches my insides right now. Plus weary, weary from worry, worry, the dumbest of ways to spend time, but I can't seem to turn it off.

And from my little book, God Calling:

February 16th NEVER RUFFLED

"Even were I never to speak to you, you would be well rewarded for setting apart this time, if you only sat still and longed for Me, if you just drew hungering breaths for Me, as you do for the fresh pure air of the open.

Be still, be calm. Wait before Me. Learn of Me, patience, humility, peace. When will you be absolutely unruffled whatever happens? You are slow to learn your lesson. In the rush and work and worry, the very seeking a silence must help.

In bustle so little is accomplished. You must learn to take the calm with you in the most hurried days."

More of God, less of me...

I have not intentionally spoken less of God in the last few blogs. The fact is, He has been speaking into me again and again. My dear daughters-in-law have both spoken truth into my soul. Christa, sharing her strange experience at Willow where she thought she was going to a small group meeting and ended up at a prayer group, where the message was "More of God, less of me". And the conversation with Cheryl, acknowledging His presence in the moment. And Tommy, my son-in-law, tonight, Valentine's Day, with us with the children, acknowledging that he wants God to be more and more of his journey. These three, ones I specifically prayed for long before they became part of the family, each showing me God. Aaaaahhhhhhh!

And even though it is long, I need to write this out from "God Calling" by A. J. Russell. This little book is so with me. Each day I hear God's voice there.

February 14th

"You do not realize that you would have broken down under the weight of your cares but for the renewing time with Me. It is not what I say; it is I. Myself. It is not the hearing Me so much as the being in My Presence. The strengthening and curative powers of this you cannot know. Such knowledge is beyond your human reckoning.
This would cure the poor sick world, if every day, each soul, or group of souls, waited before Me. Remember that you must never fail to keep this time apart with Me. Gradually you will be transformed physically, mentally, spiritually, into my likeness. All who see you, or have contact with you will be, by this intercourse with you, brought near to Me, and gradually the influence will spread. (Cheryl, scratching their heads?)
You are making one spot of Earth a Holy Place, and though you must work and spend yourself ceaselessly because that is for the present your appointed task, yet the greatest work you can do, and are doing, is done in this time apart with Me. Are you understanding that?
Do you know that every thought, every activity. every prayer, every longing of the day is gathered up and offered to Me, now? Oh! Joy that I am with you. For this I came to Earth, to lead man back to spirit-converse with his God."

Wow...and amen.

Glorious Laurious

Too fun...

Oh, what a "knight"!

Hooray for the yellow knight!!!!!

The clan...

February 13th, 2005

I will not wallow but I will remember. Sometime ago someone asked what were some of the highlights of 2005; this person did not know any of the Laurie story. The best highlight was the arrival of little Reece into our family, a glorious little miracle.

But if I have to search through the tumult of 2005, I will always cherish the shining moments spent in a Medieval castle exactly one year ago today. Pete and I wanted to thank our family and friends for the amazing gift of our Kitchen Extreme Makeover and decided on a night at Medieval Times. The cost in dollars was steep, over a thousand dollars, but we now know it was money SO well spent. Who could have known that night was the last some of our family would ever be with Laurie?

We unabashedly screamed at the knights. We ate food with our hands. We had a blast. Big secret: the joisting was fixed, Laurie knew a squire who got us into the "winning" section. How really cool it was when the "winning" knight threw his flower to who else? Laurie! What a sweet, sweet memory. I believe God led us to plan and follow through on this extraordinary night. What a great gift.

Barb, Blue Man and Drew Man

Way to end a weekend...

This weekend for Pete and me was filled to the brim, mostly with fun. Friday night dinner out with friends, Saturday AM for me tutoring little Osman Ali and Adubllahi; The Incredibles with the grandkids and friends, Saturday afternoon into the evening.

Sunday morning at Willow sat with family and at breakfast had a mini breakdown with son Chris. Too much emotion flying right now. And then the Student Impact Parent Connect, focused on suicide and depression. It was hard being there seeing the huge number of parents who were there to gain knowledge and hope on how to deal with this in their children. Sitting between Katie and Kristin, holding each others hands, broke me again.

But the end of the day, sweet. Dinner at Cafe Ba Ba Reeba, Tommy's amazing restaurant, with Pete and Drew. We are at long last celebrating Drew's birthday (I am so glad you were born, Drew!). Went to Blue Man Group and wallowed in sensory overload. On the ride home from downtown Chicago, I remembered that last year on this date, Pete, Laurie, Scott and I had gone up to Milwaukee for dinner with Scott's parents. What a year this has been...

The Incredible kids...

Two Super Guys...

The Incredibles...

Yes! We went to the Incredibles on Ice, a surprise for Denver, Maya and Isaiah and did we ever love it! Each child got their special super power wrist band when we came in and used it during the show. Our friends, Jamie, Stevie and Barb were with us and Jamie repeated again and again how great it was that "we" saved Mickey and Minnie and helped the Incredibles. All we had to do was use a super power wrist band!

Wish I had a super power wrist band to right some of the messes in the world, the big world and our little world. Now that would be something. Saturday morning I spent with 20 or so little African refugee orphans. Osman Ali and Abdullahi were the two little guys I got hooked up with, two sweet kids from Somalia who are now here in the US with no parents. We made valentines for their friends, practiced writing and had a Valentine's party. I left there wishing I could right their mixed up world. Wish I had super powers...

Coming soon...

The one year anniversary of Laurie's death is coming soon and I have been thinking about that. While life has changed in so many ways for so many, there is still the constant. The God I believed in on March 1st, 2005 is still the same God today. The struggles of trying to figure things out often leads nowhere but back to Him. I know my faith is real. I guess that has to be the one thing I can say I know for sure.

Thinking about how to mark March 2nd this year got me thinking about what I could do that might be meaningful. I am open to suggestions and ideas. I like the idea of a balloon launch where maybe some of us could meet up, pray, share a story or two and then release balloons with the little cards Pete had made up with Laurie's picture and the website on it attached to the string. In my mind's eye I like to think that maybe those balloons after their ascent might land somewhere and be found by someone who needs to view that website. Imagine if someone who was toying with their own suicidal thoughts would chance upon www.laurieboncimino.com and realize the depths of anguish that would come about by their death. If finding a ballon with a card attached to it, turned one person around, it would be so great.

I have heard from three people since Laurie's death who have told me that the one thing they know now is that they will never take their own lives. In the search for meaning, those three give me hope. Maybe there are more who need to know?

Not a skywriter, but...

I have often said that it would be nice if God would just write in the sky to tell me what to do. Wouldn't that be so cool?

Wednesday morning I am driving to work, distraught because of the failure of the marriage counseling session Katie and Tommy were supposed to have had. Things have spiraled even more, if that's possible. In respect to both of them, I will not divulge all except that things look so bleak. And so much of it seems a reflection of Denny's leaving me 22 years ago, pregnant with Laurie with three sweet wonderful kids at home. Big difference is Greg and Chris were old enough to be a huge support to me in running the house and they understood more of what was going on. Katie was only five; now I hear she thinks we were the model of a perfect amicable divorce and they can do the same. Uck, amicable hardly seems the word...heartbreaking, gut wrenching, emotionally damaging seems to fit better. Civil maybe, but not certainly not amicable.


As I drive, a black Jeep is along side of me and as it passes I see a cardinal on the license plate and the plate reads "RADIO". Okay, so it is not a skywriter but that is a pretty clear message to me. I turn off the CD I was listening to and turn on the radio to hear WMBI pastor speaking on Ezekiel chapter 18. His message is about the sins of the father passing on to the children and how this is not a bibilical truth. This chapter is filled with parenting and responsibility and how adult children answer to God for their sins. The responsibilty of a parent is to train up a child in the way they should go. It is the child's, now an adult,accountability to God that remains. Radical accountability...These words impacted me right where I needed to be impacted. I am stuggling with the aftermath of Laurie's reasons for leaving and now Katie's irrational, unbelievable departure from anything close to normal. And at least I have the unchanging word of God to hang on to.

Right now I am caring for the Michel kids, because the Monday, Friday sitter quit for a job in the industry she is studying to get in to. She quit by email last night, not good. Tommy is beside himself, finding more credit destruction, discovering more lies and still trying to be dad to these kids while he is an emotional wreck. Prayer is urgently needed for all of them. If you know anyone who is looking for a two day a week nannying job, let us know. My email address is bakpak2@comcast.net. And tonight starts winter Teen Comp at LGYC. May God reign there.

Reading this over, I can see how my tone changes. I want to know all will be well, someday for them. I want to hang on and not let Satan get a hold of my thoughts. I want to be worried about Katie's surgery today but honestly, she got glass stuck in her leg when she fell outside a bar. How do I react to that? Rely on God, again.

Was this only five days ago? So fun!

Fort St. Augustine

Josh narrates some "ghostly" history...

My feet hurt but my spirit is refreshed...

Take a breather...

Last Friday and Saturday, I took a little break...a break from sadness, a break from what is. I got to go to Jacksonville Florida with my dear friend Dianne to visit my wonderful counselor friend, Debbie Dunlap. We hung out, we went to see Walk the Line which was significant because when Debbie was a little girl she actually toured with June Carter and Johnny Cash. She told us little snippets of her life then.

We spent all day Saturday walking, talking (and boy, can we talk), touring St. Augustine, the oldest city in the US. We had some great meals, saw some of God's beauty on a sunny, bright day. Especially sweet was having little Abby with us, the youngest of Debbie's ten children. In the evening we took the hour and a half walking tour of St. Augustine hosted by no other than Debbie's handsome son Josh, a talented actor who actually makes his living doing this, something he loves.

And as we spent that time together, we discussed some of the heaviness in our lives: The too recent loss of Debbie's dear husband, Don and the changes that has brought about to the Dunlaps. The exciting news of Debbie's becoming a conference speaker. The upcoming anniversary of Laurie's death. The whys of Katie's leaving her husband and children. Debbie knows Katie pretty well having flown to Chicago in July to counsel her. And what can we do about all these things? Take a breathe, say a prayer, and know that God sees it all and is our constant source. He sees our tears and our fears and our doubts and holds us in the palm of His hand.

Thanks, Pete for holding down the fort and caring so well for the Michel kids. Thank you, Dianne, for making the arrangements. Thank you Debbie for your unfailing wisdom and support even in your own grief. Thank you, Father.

From my friend...

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

He knows, Barb, like no one else...