I will choose to say...

I have been really lifted up lately by hearing a bunch of songs that have significance. Sunday at Willow was the one with the refrain, "I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God, He calls me friend." That was soothing. Yesterday on the radio, it was "God of Wonders". I could easily picture Laurie singing that at Blast and Student Impact with her eyes closed, worshipping God.

Then later on the radio, again, the song with the line "He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away, yet I will choose to say, 'Blessed be the Lord' " That's what I choose.

Last night was our final Grief Support for this session. We were asked to bring a picture and memento of our loved one. Chris asked me to bring the big poster of Laurie that was at the funeral and wake where she is making that goofy face. Some may have thought it out of place, but actually I thought it was a great way to remind us of the laughter she could create. And music, again. One of the members of my small group there, turns out to be an opera trained singer and he brought us each a CD of old spirituals he had recorded. I listened to it on the way home and appreciated another style of worship.

But right now the biggest musical blessing has been a rough cut CD made for us that Laurie's former piano teacher, Cindy Beier, has recorded. The song is titled "Good bye For Now." Cindy was experiencing the loss of two friends in one week and this song came out of that. The word pictures she has created in this song fill me with hope. Cindy has her CD release concert coming July 30 at Christ Community Church in St. Charles. She asked permission to do this song there along with some photos/video of La and Cindy's other friend. What an honor for us! I am hoping to eventually put the song on Laurie's website along with a few changes Greg and I are talking about doing there.

So bottom line, I will choose to say, Blessed be the Lord.

Mental, Dental Day

I had appointments this morning with my counselor and my dentist...neither one of which I really wanted to go to. With my counselor, I did not even know how to describe what I am feeling lately...I know I am okay; I know that looking to Him gives me strength. I just am beyond analyzing it all. Situations with family and friends that need prayer and wisdom are draining. Missing Laurie is right around every corner. Glenn pushed me today to really look at the grief process in terms of my mom and dad and sister Lin. Geesch, do I have to?

And the dentist and his sweet hygienist, Ellen. The last time I was there was February 25th, just a week before Laurie went missing. We had talked about Laurie's engagement that day, how wonderful she was doing in so many areas of her life. It is stunning to realize how much had changed since that conversation and quite honestly, I did not want to have to talk about how I was doing with all this. However, my nature is such that you make an appointment, keep it unless something really horrible has happened. Guess I could have backed out based on that. This is really horrible...

And I walked out of there annoyed with myself that I did not even ask them to make a contribution to the Overnight walk in July. Crumb, I've invested thousands of dollars there over the years; you think I could have been gutsy enough to at least ask. Maybe they read this blog? So on I will march today, well, really more like a crawl. I think it's time to go find some solitude and recalibrate my heart, again.

Barb and Dawn with our Laurie's Legacy shirts... 

Some the Laurie's Legacy Team 

This morning...

This morning is so beautiful. The temperature is perfect. The sky is gorgeous. I saw and heard birds everywhere. The flowers are spectacular. So much beauty, so much promise in this day. There was so much beauty and promise in Laurie. I have returned to the cycle of "Why?" Why isn't she here to see this, to celebrate this day? Why did she not see the promise of a new day? Why was the pain in her life not visible to me or anyone else?

This morning I walked early, wearing her Starbucks hat, her sunglasses and her little fake diamond stud earrings. These are probably the only things of hers that would fit me...Trying to figure out why. No answers. Only the knowledge that this time the cycle is not the same intense raw pain and I am easing away from it. Mini step by mini step away from it.

Dad's Day

I may be partial but some of the greatest dads I know are in the picture below. Greg, Tommy, Mike Klowas, Chris. These young guys know how to be fathers. They show it again and again. I will never forget Chris speaking at Denny's funeral saying that as Denny's children they would live life in full color, not black and white, and be full color dads to their kids, like Denny had been. And Pete and Phil Sr. both being dads through tough circumstances. Divorce, death but still going on.
And my cute dad there in the Hawaiian shirt. Dickie B. We have enough stories about him to go on forever. Last year for Father's Day I entered a letter to the local newspaper about why my dad was special and it got picked to be published. I framed and gave it to Dad last year...I am so glad I did that. Three months later he was gone.

And now it is fifteen minutes since I wrote the above. I am alone in the house. I had started to cry, went for kleenex, and just stood weeping at the kitchen sink. God, the ultimate Father, chose to cheer me up. The goofy Cracker Barrel cardinal we have, was sitting on the counter waiting for repairs to his Isaiah-damaged rubber neck. I must have triggered the sensor, because just then, the cardinal started chirping. I look out the window and, no lie, an American Flag (attached to a bike) goes by on the other side of our fence just high enough for me to see. My dad served in World War 2. He was a huge flag waver...Dad saying "Hello, I love you"? I'll take it for that.

And this for all of us, Psalm 89:26 "And he will say to me, 'You are my Father and my God, and the Rock of my salvation.'"

Some of the best dads I know.... 

June 17th...

In the big picture, today is not that big a deal but I still remember. Today would have been Denny's and my 38th wedding anniversary. Doing the math, 18 years married to Denny, almost five years a single mom, 16 years married to Pete. And no regrets about any of it. Had I not been married to Dennis, I would never have had all these amazing kids I am so nutty about. On what would have been our 25th wedding anniversary, Greg and Cheryl sent a beautiful bouquest of flowers and reminded me of their love. Very, very thoughtful.
I am reminded again and again, that through life God makes a way. God led me: through the divorce, He made a way. Through the loss of Lin, He made a way. And He continues to lead through the loss of Laurie. I pray that I listen to His leading in the big and small things. One big thing that I even hesitate to speak of yet but will anyway, is a chance to speak at a women's conference in Florida in September. The conference website is www.somethroughthefire.org and the invitation came from a wonderful Christian woman, counselor, mother of ten who has read these blogs. How humbling even to be asked. Yesterday I worked at the Willow Creek Association Arts Conference and told a friend there about this and she was ecstatic and so affirming. All righty then...
I also am so excited about something that happened when Mandy was down in Florida. She has a beautiful blog entry about meeting little Scarlet who has the same disease Mandy has and is also confined to a wheelchair. It was no coincidence they met; it was a divine appointment. Mandy, you rock, girl. I will see you Monday, June 20th at grief support and we will celebrate your neato mom!

Unbelievably glad...

Wasn't I just saying I was profoundly sad? Yes, I did, yes, I was...but the great thing is that the two are not really mutually exclusive.
I seem to be always mulling over the events of the last months, then the last weeks, then the last few days. And then, what does the future look like in what will become our "new normal"...that thing that does not include a physical Laurie.

Today, I bought a $20 newspaper. I wanted to. I wanted to let that smiling, a little shabby newspaper guy know I appreciated him. His look was so great when I would not take change. Two seconds later a black Jeep is coming along in the opposite direction. Laurie saying, "Well done, mom." ? Today, I introduced myself to the little elderly couple who walk in the early morning, Ana and Mehr. We shook hands and smiled at each other. Last week, I met Tina, an African American woman who walks, too. These were not my old habits but they are now part of my new normal, Laurie inspired.

Last night, Greg Bowman, dad of Chris Bowman who was a great friend of Laurie's, was the speaker at Grief Support. He and I spoke a few minutes, catching up. Then he talked on "Legacy", ours and our loved ones. Made me think of so much, Laurie's Legacy, the Overnight ($31000 and climbing), her real legacy with the lives she touched and continues to influence. The pain left that is part of her legacy, too. What mother wants to write to the Cook County Medical Examiner for a copy of their daughter's autopsy report, like I just did?

And what of my legacy? If the past few days are a reflection, I guess I have one...Meeting old friends at Mr. Gaasrud's funeral service; sharing a bottle of wine with Karen afterwards; breakfast with my now college senior small group girls; celebrating Cathy P.'s 50th birthday; celebrating 25th anniversary of the Nguyen Family in the US. A call from Rosemary from her group home. A great time with grandkids, nephew and his wife, Katie, Pete, family. Church...walks appreciating all those goofy birds, I never really noticed before. Kaitlyn's 8th grade graduation party. Emails and calls...notes and letters...journals...I have reasons to be unbelievably glad.

Glenn, my counselor, says I am doing grief, especially the grief involved with a suicide, well. I don't know about that, from profoundly sad to unbelievably glad looks a little pyscho to me. Probably pushing the envelope to weird but it is just where I seem to be. I still can not really grasp Laurie's death on one hand and the joy of anticipating a new grandchild on the other. Can you say "roller coaster"?

Profoundly sad...

Isn't that what Bill Hybels said to me in that phone call on Saturday, March 5th after Laurie's body had been recovered? Yes, that was exactly it and that was exactly how I felt this morning driving into work. We made it through her birthday and now a settling of sadness seems to hang over me. I am sad to find out only two girls came to the Laurie Grief Support group last night (thanks, Jammie and Kendra). Does that mean all of Laurie's other friends are recovered and moving on? I don't want to think that attendance there is like an ongoing memorial to her. I know I am fearing in a weird way that she will be forgotten...that sparkling jewel doesn't shine any more. Is it moving on or denial? What does that mean for me?

What does it mean that for the last three nights I have abruptly awoke from a deep sleep at 4:08 AM without an alarm? That was the time my alarm used to be set for to wake Laurie up for when she had to open at Starbucks. Laurie never could wake up with her several alarm clocks; I was it. I would go into her room, turn on her light, nudge and tickle her awake until I was sure she was moving and then go back to bed. What in the world? 4:08 AM That is just strange.

So I am crying while I drive to work and glance into my rear view mirror. Of course, what is directly behind me? A black Jeep just like Laurie's...pushing me along, urging me to keep going...I am encouraged yet again. And then an email from Cindy, saying "SHE CANNOT AND WILL NOT BE ERASED." And just now I read my granddaughter Ashley's blog and their encounter with the homeless man that they gave lunch to... And Kris in Philadelphia with her whole group ready to participate in the regional Overnight in Pennsylvania. She is remembered again by people who did not even know her. Laurie will not be erased...she will keep us going. She will keep me going.

No words.... 

Psalm 18:16-19 

Remembering... 

Katie adds her thoughts.. 

Laurie's 21st Birthday Eve

In one hour it will be June 7th, what should have been Laurie's 21st birthday. I have been anticipating and thinking of how this day will look for a few weeks and now we are here. I don't face tomorrow with dread, instead I want to celebrate a life well lived.
When I think of all the awesome things she got to do in 20 years, I marvel. She went to Europe with Pam, she saw Yellowstone Park with her dad, we had trips all over the place: Colorado, Disney World, the West Virginia rafting trip, Oregon. She lived and served in Mexico for 10 months, she sky dived with me, she skied in several places, she finally snowboarded (Thanks, Trinity). She loved and cared for the elderly, she loved and cared for little kids, she loved and cared for her friends, she loved and cared for her family, she loved and cared for Scott. And she was loved and cared for by all of us...She led her small groups and she spoke in front of large groups. She left me an amazing video from her speech class saying I was her hero. She fed the homeless, she loved her Starbucks customers, she loved Harper College, she loved Lake Geneva Youth Camp. She took joy in the most ordinary things and the most extraordinary. She witnessed her nephew being born, she sang worship songs at New Community. She performed the Ultimate cheer! She played Ultimate frisbee with zeal! She touched us, she touched me. She has been one amazing gift and I celebrate Laurie Boncimino...
Tomorrow Katie and I will go down to Lake Michigan and pray and thank God for her.
Tomorrow I will buy some Starbucks coffee and a sandwich and give it to some random person in her honor. I hope others will do the same. Tomorrow we will break open a bottle of champagne and toast this young woman I am proud to say was my daughter! And I will continue to thank God for her.

And I will thank God for each of you who continue to pray all of us through this journey. I will thank God for all the donations to The Overnight Walk for suicide prevention. Tonight, ironically, Laurie's Legacy Team made it to the top 5 teams out of 250! I will thank God for the opportunity I had today to spend time with Scott, Jessie, Kelly and Mike as we gathered to honor and pray for Jessie's parents and Denny and Laurie at the cemetery where Jess's parents are buried. I will thank God for a family that is bruised but not defeated. I will thank God for being the Lord of the universe. I will thank God for sending His Son for each of us...

The Overnight

Tonight I am too overloaded to really write the blog I want to. Instead, since getting home, I have checked and the Laurie's Legacy team is so close to getting into the top five teams. This would be a great day to make that donation you were always thinking about making. The email address is www.TheOvernight.org and our team is Laurie's Legacy. Can you believe it? At this point the team has raised over $25000! Thank you all so much. Love in Him, still...Barb

La at Medieval Times. She reminds me of the Statue of Liberty... 

Three Months and counting...

Today marks three months that Laurie is gone. When she had gone to Mexico, I counted off the months til she would be home. Three months down, seven more to go...I could stick it out. We could communicate by email, letters, phone, a visit down there. But this, no coming back home, at least to 921. This stinks.

Today we will get through by doing something cool that Laurie should be doing with us. Kristin, my sister JoAnne and I are going to New York City! We are going to Book Expo, a giant trade show where hundreds of authors will be presenting their latest book. Kristin loves words, books, literature. This will be so great for her. Laurie loved words, too. So do I. Why would I be writing this if I did not?
So we will be collecting books to bring back home; we will see the sights. We will experience a city we have never visited before. Gee, Laur, you would have loved this adventure. Miss you, baby...