Profoundly sad...

Isn't that what Bill Hybels said to me in that phone call on Saturday, March 5th after Laurie's body had been recovered? Yes, that was exactly it and that was exactly how I felt this morning driving into work. We made it through her birthday and now a settling of sadness seems to hang over me. I am sad to find out only two girls came to the Laurie Grief Support group last night (thanks, Jammie and Kendra). Does that mean all of Laurie's other friends are recovered and moving on? I don't want to think that attendance there is like an ongoing memorial to her. I know I am fearing in a weird way that she will be forgotten...that sparkling jewel doesn't shine any more. Is it moving on or denial? What does that mean for me?

What does it mean that for the last three nights I have abruptly awoke from a deep sleep at 4:08 AM without an alarm? That was the time my alarm used to be set for to wake Laurie up for when she had to open at Starbucks. Laurie never could wake up with her several alarm clocks; I was it. I would go into her room, turn on her light, nudge and tickle her awake until I was sure she was moving and then go back to bed. What in the world? 4:08 AM That is just strange.

So I am crying while I drive to work and glance into my rear view mirror. Of course, what is directly behind me? A black Jeep just like Laurie's...pushing me along, urging me to keep going...I am encouraged yet again. And then an email from Cindy, saying "SHE CANNOT AND WILL NOT BE ERASED." And just now I read my granddaughter Ashley's blog and their encounter with the homeless man that they gave lunch to... And Kris in Philadelphia with her whole group ready to participate in the regional Overnight in Pennsylvania. She is remembered again by people who did not even know her. Laurie will not be erased...she will keep us going. She will keep me going.