Unbelievably glad...

Wasn't I just saying I was profoundly sad? Yes, I did, yes, I was...but the great thing is that the two are not really mutually exclusive.
I seem to be always mulling over the events of the last months, then the last weeks, then the last few days. And then, what does the future look like in what will become our "new normal"...that thing that does not include a physical Laurie.

Today, I bought a $20 newspaper. I wanted to. I wanted to let that smiling, a little shabby newspaper guy know I appreciated him. His look was so great when I would not take change. Two seconds later a black Jeep is coming along in the opposite direction. Laurie saying, "Well done, mom." ? Today, I introduced myself to the little elderly couple who walk in the early morning, Ana and Mehr. We shook hands and smiled at each other. Last week, I met Tina, an African American woman who walks, too. These were not my old habits but they are now part of my new normal, Laurie inspired.

Last night, Greg Bowman, dad of Chris Bowman who was a great friend of Laurie's, was the speaker at Grief Support. He and I spoke a few minutes, catching up. Then he talked on "Legacy", ours and our loved ones. Made me think of so much, Laurie's Legacy, the Overnight ($31000 and climbing), her real legacy with the lives she touched and continues to influence. The pain left that is part of her legacy, too. What mother wants to write to the Cook County Medical Examiner for a copy of their daughter's autopsy report, like I just did?

And what of my legacy? If the past few days are a reflection, I guess I have one...Meeting old friends at Mr. Gaasrud's funeral service; sharing a bottle of wine with Karen afterwards; breakfast with my now college senior small group girls; celebrating Cathy P.'s 50th birthday; celebrating 25th anniversary of the Nguyen Family in the US. A call from Rosemary from her group home. A great time with grandkids, nephew and his wife, Katie, Pete, family. Church...walks appreciating all those goofy birds, I never really noticed before. Kaitlyn's 8th grade graduation party. Emails and calls...notes and letters...journals...I have reasons to be unbelievably glad.

Glenn, my counselor, says I am doing grief, especially the grief involved with a suicide, well. I don't know about that, from profoundly sad to unbelievably glad looks a little pyscho to me. Probably pushing the envelope to weird but it is just where I seem to be. I still can not really grasp Laurie's death on one hand and the joy of anticipating a new grandchild on the other. Can you say "roller coaster"?