Not today....

Driving home from work was the worst today. I cried the whole way home; I listened to the CD of the service; I was aggravated with the rain; I missed Laurie so much; I called her cell phone (which the police still have) to hear her voice and cried some more...no blogging for me today. I just want to keep crying...

I walk in the door and there is the tidy pile of mail. More heartfelt condolence cards and a package. In the pile of cards is a note from my grandaughter Brooke, probably her first to me in 2 or 3 years. She explains it is written on stationary that Aunt Laurie had given her several years ago with a note saying to use them to write notes of encouragement to the people you love. She encouraged me.

I open the package. It is an amazing letter from a fellow Harper student who decided to come to the wake and her relationship with God became revived through what she saw and heard there! She is a song writer and has written a song to honor Laurie for when, not if, she becomes famous. She will include it and dedicate it to La.

And then the rain stops and the sun is beaming. I know the drill; put your back to the direction of the sun and you may see a rainbow. Did you see it? It was so beautiful, an arc of brilliant colors. Our neighbors were actually coming out to see it!

Thanks, God. Today you turned my mourning into, well, not exactly dancing, but at least smiling.

January 2005 

Choices and Burdens

Hmmm...Last night I read two postings from two of Laurie's friends. I wanted to journal right then but decided I needed a night to sleep on it to organize my thoughts and feelings. (Feelings, by the way from my old Marriage Encounter days are neither right or wrong; they just are.)

So my discovery: one of those friends gets it and the other does not. One spoke of choices, no one to blame, that our "Christian" friendships are supposed to be hard, to hold our friends to a higher standard and keep them accountable, to step on each other's toes because we LOVE each other. Gee, I am glad my friends don't hold me to their higher standard or I wouldn't have any friends. Rather than stepping on toes, which really hurts ( I have a corn on one toe and that would cause me huge pain) I picture washing each other's feet sort of like Jesus did. That would really help me. To clarify, Laurie encouraged and prayed for her friends, her journals tell me so.

The other post is almost draining to read because of the weight of her burden...a burden I wish i could help ease. But I'm with her. We did not love Laurie like she loved others. If we did, she might still be here. Then again maybe not. My burden is the wish that I had seen and could have helped Laurie sort out her pain. That as her mom, when she called me from California the night before we got there, crying and saying,"It's so hard. They all are treating me so different; so and so didn't even hug me when I got off the plane." I did not get it. I could not find the right words to let her know it didn't matter. I could only tell I loved her with all my heart and we would be there soon. That's my burden...And now from the 20/20 vision of her letter, I see the depth of her pain. And to that I say CRAP.

My friend Jeanne used a description when I asked her to read a pretty lousy email sent to Laurie that I had found on her laptop. Jeanne pointed this out: "They both spoke truth and wisdom, with maturity.....they BOTH did, with neither being right or wrong...they were just being themselves-loving and sinful as all get out- at the same time......navigating life, change, different voices....And hurting each other and missing hearing each other on many levels..." Jeanne also had a line about the other person "her tool box on how to do so (communicate) , is quite empty and lacking....

Lord, today, I ask you to fill up my toolbox so that I can listen, really listen to a hearting heart. Help me not to step on toe's in the name of God and accountablitity but to wash the feet of those I love and cherish and even those I don't.

From Kristin to Jenna...

Kristin just read to me what she had just emailed to her and Laurie's friend Jenna. It was so beautiful and encouraging, I asked her if I could share it on my blog. Here it is:

"You are so Special Jenna! Ache if need to ache but know that you are loved and cared for! I am leaving tomorrow for Colorade, maybe I'll persuade Katharine for us to come and see you...

Mike Breaux told us yesterday he found joy in watching a little boy skip. Then he did it and found joy. Skip down your dorm hall or on your way to class. Even if it's only for 10 seconds. I did it with my nephew yesterday and it honestly makes you smile. Trust me, you feel like a little kid and the world seems just a tad sweeter. You feel alive when you notice your heart beating just a little faster, each time your feet hit the ground, when the air becomes just a bit swifter across your face. And slowly you will notice a smile coming on. I'm learning that I need to remember that I'm still alive. And while often times I don't feel that way or want to, I am. I am alive, Jenna! And so are you and that is a gift.

I had to read a whole section for one of my classes but this is an exerpt from The Buddha Meditation: The Path to Enlightenment that has stuck with me since: 'Consider how strange and wonderful it is that man, on drawing in his breath, can immediately afterward breath out again; so little can life be trusted! And this is another strange and wonderful thing that, having slept, he wakes up again, and that, having got up, goes to sleep again, for many are the adversities of those who have a body.'

We get small gifts of life every moment of every day. You know that! I know you wrote about it and thought about it and yearned to live life remembering it. Live life as Laurie did...running, skipping, playing frisbee, jumping out of airplanes (very carefully, of course!), play hopscotch or golf in a hole in your front yard, swing as high as you can, lay down at a forest preserve and rest. Live your life through your five senses and pay attention to them! They enhance the quality of life and the moments of your days.

Laurie robbed me, my family, you, the world of a lot of memories, time, help, smiles and experiences. But she did not leave a lack of love or encouragement or spirit. You have similiar gifts. Run with them and make the world better because of you. You already have and I know without a fraction of a doubt that you will continue until the day you breathe your last breath. I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU! You are so unique and so special, I pray that you will discover that for yourself.

Have a better rest of the day, Jenna. Kick and scream and cry but smile a little, too and maybe laugh. Don't let her ended joy rob you of all of yours. You are beautiful when you smile... Kristin"

Wow, I love that girl!

Laurie's Church in Mexico 

Easter Morning 2005

So different this year. Mom and Dad both gone, first Easter without them. And Laurie gone, too. Too unbelievable, too raw.
Did I want to get out of bed this morning? Could I just pull the covers over my head and say "No, today I wither up and tell everyone to go away!"

No, I don't want to do that at all. Today our family is going to church, today we are still going to celebrate the risen Christ! Today we are coming back here for an Easter egg hunt, we are going to eat this gi-normous 25 lb ham that was given to us as well as a prime rib roast someone else gave us. (Is this something new? Meat for the grieving? None the less, it is appreciated.) Our family, 22 adults and 8 kids under five, will hang out. We will call Greg and Cheryl and the girls, missing them, especially, this year. But the part I really like is that we are still a family in every sense of the word.

So, God, today, thanks for what you did for us. Thanks for sacrificing your Son for us. I can only imagine that pain...in fact, I know a little of it. Thanks God for being the Lord of the universe...

Day #183 Queretaro Wednesday 3-26-03

From Laurie's Journal while she was in Mexico, two years ago today...

"Purpose? We all have purpose...what is my purpose? Lately Harper and I have been talking a lot about the purpose that God has for our lives...for our time in Queretaro...relationships...anything and everything. It's been real challenging. With that said...God, You are REAL! There is nothing fake about you. You are out for my best interest. You love me for who I am. And because You are real...You want me to be real as well. God, help me to be real. I long to be authentic, genuine, and pure with anyone who knows me. Thank you for setting the ultimate example.
Tonight I had a great talk with Mariana after the concert. We talked about what refills us. For me, I know it's words. I depend so much on the words of humans but I need to just open this Word and let that refill me. What could be better than a compliment form the Word of God? Cool! (drawn in smiley face) I (heart drawn in) YOU! Laurie"

Lord, help me to be real today. I (heart drawn in) You!

The Letter

I feel compelled to read and reread Laurie's letter left for us. Though most is too intensely painful to share with the masses, I know there is keen interest in what she wrote. What did she say, what was she feeling?

The first several pages were actually written earlier, Feb. 10th to Scott telling him of how and why she loved him and how she wanted the world to know that their love was strong and unique. The next pages are a deep analysis of what she had always thought was "right"...how she took her beliefs very seriously but doubts were creeping in. Expectations, frustrations with a world that separated people from each other rather than drawing them closer. Life being one big game and it all goes back in the box.

And then this in her distinctive hand," WHAT DOES LAURIE NEED TO DO TO BE HAPPY?"
She answers herself with "to find something that she is passionate about...and run towards that something with all of her strength. Those things: * People * Loving people * Studying people *Watching people *Offering a glimmer of hope to the hopeless" She writes that the things attractive to her are unconditional love, serving others, acceptance, faithfulness, honesty.

And then the black parts...she is sorry, she is sorry, the pain, no way out, her pride, "I can not handle the stresses of this world...its not made for me." Oh, Laurie. If only you had known...this world wanted nothing more than to cradle you and love you for who you are.

My prayer right now, right this minute? That all those things you found attractive, Laurie, would be the heartbeat of all of us. To unconditionally love each other, accept each other wherever we are at, to be honest and faithful, to serve others in any way we can. That we would do this to honor you but more, to honor the God we love.

Encouragement...

What an amazing gift encouragement is! I have been encouraged in countless ways these last three weeks. ( Is that right? Only three weeks? It feels like an eternity.) Encouragement in friends just being there, in notes, in emails, in blogs, in gifts of food and flowers, in offers of trips, in prayer. How about that crazy encouragement from Laurie, herself. A week after she was gone, I loaned my granddaughter, Brooke, my old denim coat before we went out for breakfast for some grandma/granddaughers time. When we got back, Brooke pulled a yellow Post-It note out of the pocket and said ,"Hey, grandma, this is for you." It was a note La had written to me at least four years ago, when I was trying to quit smoking. It read "Keep it up, Mom". How about that? And you wonder how I could stand up there for seven hours by her casket and listen to those who wanted to encourage us? She was cheering me on.

And yesterday, I got to be the encourager. Little 5 year old grandson Denver has been trying to learn how to ride his bicycle without the training wheels. He and I went outside and I ran back and forth with him on the sidewalk, holding him up by his jacket as he pedaled. "That's it, Denver. Keep pedaling. Look up. Keep pedaling. You can do it. Look up. Don't be scared. You've got it." And then that magic moment...I let go and he pedaled away, all on his own! Yippee! This 56 year old grandma jumps up and down and cheers him on! What a moment of joy!

Laurie and I both shared two spiritual gifts: mercy and encouragement. I really love that. So my words for today...Look up, keep pedaling, you can do it, don't be scared, look up!

Hope, It has a certain ring to it...

Short night, maybe four hours of sleep. I had spent a lot of time going over Laurie's sent and received emails from the last two months or so. Some of what I saw there profoundly saddened me and angered Pete and Katie. Some judgemental emails she had received from "friends", an email she had sent to a relative, excited about her engagement and trying to re-establish some contact with no responding email back to her. How sad.

But then there were several emails back and forth to Harper students, making plans for the next issue of the Challenger. Her encouragement to make sure "Dal" was invited to an upcoming meeting. Her ongoing excitement about her classes; emails back and forth to her two aunts, encouraging one and establishing with the other her wish to have her be her wedding co-ordinator when the time eventually came. Her declaration about how fun Medieval Times had been to go with the whole family (22 of us!). Remembered how sweet it was when the winning knight had actually thrown his rose to HER! (Of course, it was fixed. A "squire" who frequents her Starbucks arranged it.) Reading her future plans made me sad, again. There is no clue in any of them about how deeply she was hurting. Maybe the lack of emails that should have been there spoke to me.

So where does the hope come in? As I was in despair and thinking what could have been done to help her, I glanced at my right hand. I always wear two small band rings. One is very narrow, two bands of gold and silver twisted together. The other is engraved all the way around with the little Christian fish symbol. But now there is a third ring. At the never ending wake that Thursday, someone, I still do not know who, pressed something into my hand and said to look at it later. Whatever the tissue wrapped object was, I stuck it in Pete's suitcoat pocket. Later, I retrieved the little package and unwrapped a beautiful narrow sterling silver ring. Engraved all the way around it was the word "HOPE".

Hope*Hope*Hope*Hope*Hope*Hope*Hope*Hope.... I have hope. I have hope that tomorrow will be a little better. I have hope that the world is not the savage, selfish place Laurie, with her hope for unconditional love for all, was feeling. I have hope that the same God I have leaned on so many times before, will continue to be our comfort. I have hope.

Oh, What a Day...

Oh, what a day…


Oh, what a day? Another sweet day in my own sweet world.
Barry at Starbucks. Blonde girl in the gym. Bad call to Brad.
Bud with Jon. Bull shit with Ian. Bitchy towards Jessie.
Best friends with Kelly and Katie. Bridesmaid to Harper.
Bowman’s always calling. Brian leaves the messages.

Boyfriend Scooter is my love, it’s he who deserves some of my time.
Bedroom conversations and love grow in the bubble.

Beware, for you are learning to trust…or not to trust the WORLD.
But what about Jesus, can’t you trust Him? Beats me if I know.
Birthday celebrations break solid friendships. Bob O Bob.
Yarbe always stuck in the middle. Beautiful Hova, I see your heart breaking.

Breaking. Breaking. Aren’t we all just breaking?
Covering reality every single day. My own heart and mind are everywhere now.
Who do I trust? How can I truly trust anyone? ANYONE!
Everyone is a certain way with every person they’re with at the time.
Are we all foolish? Maybe in my heart of all hearts I have a hope within me
for mankind. That we aren’t really as selfish as I think we are.
That people actually care about others. That true love does actually exist. That each of us have a purpose here.

Written by Laurie sometime in late September 2004 in her Great Ideas of Western Civilization for herself.

Fee ater Night

It's Saturday morning, two weeks after we knew Laurie was gone from this earth. Katie and the kids have just pulled out of the driveway (in their new 2003 Taurus. God is good to provide.) and the house is quiet following "fee ater night" as Denver calls it. Yesterday they came over and we had a pajama party. Sleeping bags and pillows in the living room, watched "The Incredibles". Well, they did; I layed there for a little while and then was drawn back to emails, blogs...thank you again for them. All of you. Eve especially.

Katie, Katie, Katie. My heart breaks again knowing how much she hurts yet has to keep doing all the day to day of caring for three kids and some how doing school to become a nurse: my dream. She and I share some new oddities: We have both lost a sister; We have both "lost" a daughter. As she would say."What's up with that?" Stinks, doesn't it? Hurts, doesn't it? Rages, doesn't it?

Time to go shower. I am going to meet an old friend, Bonnie Banning, for coffee. Bonnie was my small group leader seven years ago at the Grief Support Group when Lin died. Amazing how five minutes after we knew exactly how Laurie died, Bonnie's face flashed in my mind's eye. I remember back then thinking how weird it was that the leader for our group was not one who had also lost a sibling like the rest of us, but one who had a daughter that had committed suicide. God prepared her for me way back then. How does He ever do that?

Where I am tonight...

Yesterday was a tough one. Work in the morning, then off to Harper College for the memorial service Harper College had for Laurie. Kristin and I attended together. It was amazing to hear and see her fellow students and teachers seeing Laurie in the same light we had seen over the many days preceeding. They loved her, too and missed her as much.

So sweet...lots of the students and one of the teachers wore flip flops in Laurie's honor. Emily Jones, a fellow Motorola Scholarship winner wore a Cubs shirt and her flip flops and samg Tears in Heaven. Laurie's guitar teacher said a few words about Laurie's support of him and then played a beautiful guitar peice. Three of La's closest teachers spoke about her; her love for knowledge, going the extra mile, staying after class to share a thought or word of encouragement, that brilliant smile. "The Perfect Student". Reminding us about various speeches, the "My Hero" speech, about me; the speech where she brought in MacDonald's hamburgers for the entire class but asked them to wait to eat until she finished her speech about the fast food industry. Almost all the hamburgers landed in the garbage and Jeff, the professor says he has not eaten fast food since! Tha's persuasive. A candle lighting, flowers, moment of silence, student sharing, donations to "Make A Wish", and the whys, what was going on in her head that no one heard, the emploring to visit Harper's pysch help if needed. For me, it was just sweet and sad...she loved it there.

Then returning home, I remember the funeral home had called and the ashes were ready to be picked up. Urghhh. Driving there I remembered when Gram had died and Laurie and Pete had gone to pick up Gram's remains and Laurie had asked" Should we buckle her up?"

After a discussion with Alan, our funeral director guy, telling me we defied the funeral stats norm. Usually a large wake has about half the number at the funeral, due to work/other obligations. Laurie's had roughtly a thousand people at both. So I am given Laurie's ashes in a beautiful wooden box about 11"x8"x5". Back in the car, I buckled her (the box) in, tied a random pink ribbon in the car around the box and drove off. Where to? No place I had to be yet so we just drove past Cutting Hall where she had performed in "Sound of Music", over to her Starbucks, then the overlook and around all the driveways at Willow, past the church on Algonquin where she had surprised the folks in the basement having a prayer meeting long ago, Embers restaurant, then all the way around Harper college talking out loud to her as we went. Over by Marlowe's restaurant, more fun times, past Frembd High School. Past Alemar's where she ate her last meal with her dad on Oct. 11th, 1998, past his house, heading back towards 921 Belmar, first driving by Long Grove Manor, the nursing home she loved, then Tom Anderlik's house, Steve Downs' house, Becky Fuller's house, Willow Grove School, Twin Groves School and at last up the driveway. I carried that box in thinking, "I carried her in here by myself 20 years ago and now here I am again cradling her in my arms...I love this amazing Laura Leanne Boncimino so much."