Choices and Burdens

Hmmm...Last night I read two postings from two of Laurie's friends. I wanted to journal right then but decided I needed a night to sleep on it to organize my thoughts and feelings. (Feelings, by the way from my old Marriage Encounter days are neither right or wrong; they just are.)

So my discovery: one of those friends gets it and the other does not. One spoke of choices, no one to blame, that our "Christian" friendships are supposed to be hard, to hold our friends to a higher standard and keep them accountable, to step on each other's toes because we LOVE each other. Gee, I am glad my friends don't hold me to their higher standard or I wouldn't have any friends. Rather than stepping on toes, which really hurts ( I have a corn on one toe and that would cause me huge pain) I picture washing each other's feet sort of like Jesus did. That would really help me. To clarify, Laurie encouraged and prayed for her friends, her journals tell me so.

The other post is almost draining to read because of the weight of her burden...a burden I wish i could help ease. But I'm with her. We did not love Laurie like she loved others. If we did, she might still be here. Then again maybe not. My burden is the wish that I had seen and could have helped Laurie sort out her pain. That as her mom, when she called me from California the night before we got there, crying and saying,"It's so hard. They all are treating me so different; so and so didn't even hug me when I got off the plane." I did not get it. I could not find the right words to let her know it didn't matter. I could only tell I loved her with all my heart and we would be there soon. That's my burden...And now from the 20/20 vision of her letter, I see the depth of her pain. And to that I say CRAP.

My friend Jeanne used a description when I asked her to read a pretty lousy email sent to Laurie that I had found on her laptop. Jeanne pointed this out: "They both spoke truth and wisdom, with maturity.....they BOTH did, with neither being right or wrong...they were just being themselves-loving and sinful as all get out- at the same time......navigating life, change, different voices....And hurting each other and missing hearing each other on many levels..." Jeanne also had a line about the other person "her tool box on how to do so (communicate) , is quite empty and lacking....

Lord, today, I ask you to fill up my toolbox so that I can listen, really listen to a hearting heart. Help me not to step on toe's in the name of God and accountablitity but to wash the feet of those I love and cherish and even those I don't.