Heidi's Birthday Party...

Saturday night we celebrated Heidi's 30th birthday with a fun party hosted by Mandy. Her willing workers, Steph, Marie, Aunt Karen to name a few, pulled it off and the party was hilarious. Mr. Whoopie Cushion Mike provided sound effects, Scott and Phil Jr. shot down helium balloons with playdough. We waited for opera star Molly to sing but that never happened. These pictures are only a partial display. I think I will hold out for calls from the rest of the family before I post anymore. Happy birthday, Heidi!

Tinkerbell Mandy and me. I am an IPod!!!!

Grandkids, Denver, Maya, Isaiah and Hayden

Whoopie Mike, Viking Gal Molly and Jordan

Katie and Reece

Mexico Memories....

I have just finished reading Laurie's journals from the time she spent in Queretaro. She journaled almost every day she was there, 294 days. She numbered each day, beside the date.
I am so thankful for all her journals but these are so amazing. She pours out her heart to God in amazing and sometimes gut-wrenching ways. The depth of her faith, her trust in God, her desire to help the lost, her prayers for so many there and at home, her anxiety about what to do when she returned to the US...

Still do not know why I did it, but while she was there, whenever we emailed or IM'd, I made hard copies and kept them in a binder. Those emails, coupled with the journals and her many, many pictures, create such a vivid portrayal of what her time as a missionary in Mexico meant to her. What a great gift for me to have.

Queretaro's most famous structure, the Aquaduct.

Laurie's time in Mexico

Universitarios w/ Randi 7-10-03

Highs and Lows...

High: Having a great visit with Jammie Meyer and Brittany (both girls from the small group Laurie led for several years) and Jammie's RA, Kristin last Thursday night. Doing more processing with them.
Low: Jammie asking how I am doing with Laurie's death and having to truthfully acknowledge, I hate it. And I do not say "hate" lightly, ever.
High: Watching lots of the grandkids on Friday and getting a cute haircut from my niece.
Low: Having Katie and Molly incise some ridiculous cyst things from my neck for 40 minutes while they shouted with glee at each new squeeze/cut.
High: Being an on-stage part of the 30th anniversary services at Willow Creek this weekend for all three services.
Low: My part was being one of 35 people who walked to the end of the stage and held up a "Before" and "After" sign. My "before" read "Never thought I'd survive the loss of child" and the "after" read "God carried me".

And my "after" sign is true. God is carrying me. But I was struck with the fact that often there was applause for many of my fellow placard bearers. Placards that told of cured Stage 4 Lymphoma, adoption after the heartbreak of infertility, surviving of 6 story fall, overcoming addictions with God's help. All inspiring. It is just hard to clap for someone who lost their child, but more than once I was told that my placard meant the most to some. We were given the posters to take home if we wanted to and I did. Now I realize I don't need that piece of cardboard to remind me of "Before" and "After"; it sits in the recycling bin now.

One more high: I bought and fit in a pair of size 14 jeans. Have not been able to do that for at least 12 years.
One more low: Had a great sushi dinner with son Chris tonight and now I'm worried if those jeans will still fit...

Addendum Monday Morning
Low: Traffic stinks because of rain and I am crawling along at 15 MPH. Listening to Laurie CD, feeling sad.
High: The sun breaks out though it is still raining and I remember if I look opposite the direction of the sun I should see a rainbow. Since I am crawling along anyway I look to my right shoulder and there it is. A beautiful bright rainbow. And to my left, a black Jeep Cherokee. I feel much better!

How Great Is Our God....

Wednesday night Willow had an amazing worship concert. As I drove there I prayed that He would show Himself to me in a new way. Boy, did he ever!

The concert by Chris Tomlin, Matt Redmon and speaker Louie Giglio was titled "Indescribable". Being with Drew, Eve and Jackie was perfect and meeting up with Randi B. home for a short visit was a huge blessing. The way each worship song layered on the next, the vitality of God's spirit moving in that huge room, was inspiring. When Louie Giglio presented these unbelievable pictures taken of our "neighborhood" galaxy and then the outer galaxies, the pale blue dot of earth, all the time weaving God's magnificent design throughout. The stunning realization of God's vastness, beyond comprehension...and yet He cares for me. He is the Famous One.

No matter what...

No matter what, I will smile, I will move on, I will continue to love, I will continue to hope, I will continue to believe.

Just when I thought I had no more blogs, I know, no matter what, I will still have more to process. Last night we had the last of the Kristin 21st birthday celebrations. 36 relatives, Pete's ex in-laws, our family, Mary, Kristin's mom, all the assorted grandkids running around. A fun time at a restaurant, momentary disappointment that the giant balloons, a huge "2" and "1" had not made the ride to Wyncourt. Another family celebrating a birthday asked if we wanted their balloons to decorate our room. Cool how that was provided. But those gaping holes, no mom and dad, no Laurie...uggggghhhhhh. Again.

Good news to me that two (not to be named) family members are getting counseling. That huge cloud of worry about them is lifting a little bit. Pray, pray, pray, please.

Tonight was a perfect example of my new "normal". Business dinner out in Rockford with a co-worker, the Japanese president of one of the companies I rep for, a business associate I know is a believer and knows about Laurie, and the buyer from a company that is a huge new account for me. A good rep helps conversation move along with a disassociated group. I am doing just that, asking the buyer about his college freshman son and he tells us about the drowning death of one of his son's classmates. I can't look at Russ or John because I know I will see the pain they are feeling for me; instead I listen to the buyer express how upset his son is to have to deal with this death. Never mentioning Laurie, I can only say I know how hard that must be for one so young. In my head, I am screaming I KNOW! I KNOW!

And so, no matter what, I continue to believe I am here for a reason. I will press on.

12:05 AM Oct. 13th, 2005 Cafe Louie

Kristin, You are 21!

My darling Kristin.

In the 17 years I have really known you and the 16 years I have been your stepmom, I have continually been delighted by your grace, your senstivity, your sense of compassion and honesty. You carry the best of your mom and dad. You make being in a blended family so easy. I sometimes almost felt guilty when I led the Stepmoms Small Group...you have always brought joy. I could not relate to what some of the other stepmoms were experiencing with their stepchildren. Thank you just for the uniqueness of YOU.

Through this unbelievable, gut wrenching journey we are walking with Laurie's death, you show great strength. I often say you two were almost like twins, only four months apart and two different sets of parents. I recognize the depth of pain you carry; you have had to deal with so much for such a young life. As a family we will continue to support and care for each other. Count on it.

And now beginning with our crazy celebration last night, you will be celebrated for at least three more days. Way to have a 21st birthday, beautiful! (This makes up for all the years you really did not want to have any real party, Miss Humble-Girl)

I love you, Barb

Seven years ago today...

I could not, should not let this day go by without noting its' significance in the lives of my children. Seven years ago today Denny, their dad passed away. And Laurie was there, all 14 years of her, when he collapsed and died on the driveway of the home he shared with Pam, Laurie's stepmom.
What a shattering day that was. Denny was only 52 years old; he had re established so well with all the kids after the divorce. Laurie was shaken, as were each of the kids. And after his death, each year on Oct. 11th they would all try to hang out together to honor his memory. Usually by drinking copious amounts of coffee.
So much harder this year for Katie, Greg and Chris...another loss to withstand. And each does that with so much grace.

Thanks, Denny, for each of our amazing children.
Love, Barb

Debbi, only for you...

Now I am doing what I said I would never do, playing "Five Songs I am Listening To Right Now". Debbi, only for you...

THE RULES: List five songs that you are currently loving. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog. Then tag five other friends to see what they're listening to.

"Come To Jesus" by Chris Rice. Sang this one to Dad while he was in the hospital and Angel sang it at Laurie's funeral. Awesome.

"Held" by Natalie Grant. So sad but so beautiful. Her voice is so clear.

"Dancing with Angels" by Monk & Neagle. Jammie Meyer sent me this one and it is practically an anthem for me now. Thanks, Jammie.

"Goodby for Now" by the ever wonderful Cindy Beier, Laurie's piano teacher and friend. Written for Laurie and another friend of Cindy who had died. It is on the Laurie Boncimino website and on Cindy's new CD.

"My Glorious" by Delirious (I think) From the first time I heard this song, it moved me. Still does. This one is probably a tie with "Shout to the Lord' by Darlene Czech. I even wrote her a fan letter once.

So it's pretty obvious the kinds of songs that get me through my drive time. I have not fallen prey to the world of IPod and all it's mysteries and frustrations. (Hello, Katie.) Car music, that's what I love.

And so now to those poor "tagged" friends:

Kim Z.
Stephanie
Heidi
Mish
Brian S.

Since I am no techno wizard, I will have to call on Drew to put the links on for me. Drew?

The Famous One... 

And so, what?

Here I am, Saturday night late. Abby babysat Hayden and Reece so I could go to a wedding. I really am not good at weddings yet. I drink too much, blinding the reality that I will never help plan Laurie's wedding. That is something I looked so forward to...her wedding. I go to the ceremony, thinking I wll be okay at this one...not so much. Again, I picture her, so beautiful, so radiant.

Instead, I go back to the journals I have been reading. Her time in Mexico was blessed. She loved it there. If she had stayed, would things have been different? I don't know. All I know is that page after page of those journals from Querretaro let me know that was one of the happiest times of her life. Times where she knew, with no doubt, God was using her. I am so glad I have these records to refresh me; to remind me; to let me know my daughter, Laura Boncimino, was an amazing young woman who loved God with all her heart. I mourn.

Meet the Sumeys... 

New friends who walked in honor of their son. 

Getting started. 

Start of the walk at the Philly Art Museum. 

Meet the Sumeys...

And when you do, you will love them. Dad Randy, Mom Kris, daughter Nicole and son Justin Sumey are the fab four we met two years ago when Pete and I served in Philadelphia at the Church of the Saviour for the Willow Leadership Summit.

Kris and I clicked pretty instantly and had so much fun those four days. We laughed and worked and told our stories. So sweet. Little did I know how sustaining that friendship would be. When Laurie went missing, Kris received one of the emails and immediately jumped into action. I can not even imagine the number of people who got the word due to Kris' diligent efforts. Flyers and emails everywhere. And when the sad news came, she did not stop there. Kris pushed for donations to our Overnight Walk. And she did not stop there...

Last weekend Kris, Randy, Nicole and Justin walked in the Philadelphia AFSP Community Walk; raising funds again for suicide prevention and awareness. Kris and Randy have a business Big Events. They run huge events, providing lighting, sound, decor, everything. And their schedule is ten times crazier than mine. Kris had been in Pittsburgh until Saturday for an event and then came home and walked 5 miles to honor Laurie and others. They even named their team Laurie's Legacy, had flyers with Laurie's picture on it and told her story. We talked on the phone as they walked and it made me cry, the effort they put out. I love that woman, that family. Thanks, God, for the Sumeys.

Not another...

Time for introspection, Barb. Finished "Goodbye Jeanine". The only of the many books on suicide I have read, that was written by a mother, a Christian mother, about the suicide of her beloved daughter. All of the others have been either about sons or daughters writing about the death of their fathers. Jeanine, too, was only twenty. A believer, a beauty, intelligent, a heart for others.

This book had so many passages I wish I had written. Joyce Sackett starts the book with "The Parable of the Mirrors." Already I identify. And Joyce still clearly feels God love and care for her in the worst thing imaginable. She sees and feels God in nature, in hearing and reading the same passage in several places in a day. God speaking...Her regrets about missing the depth of the pain. She writes "Death is a closed door. I have no appeal, no way of saying to my daughter, "I'm so sorry for all I have misunderstood. I'm so sorry for not knowing how much you were suffering. Please forgive me.'" This mother, like me, thrives and is comforted by the words of her friends and family, especially those intuitive enough to know when an extra dose of love is needed. I think I will write this author a letter and let her know how much her words meant to me.

And I have already written a sympathy card just today to another family in the fresh pain of suicide. Riding home from Molly and Mike's church yesterday, while Pete drives, I read through the paper and there it is, in the obituaries...the picture of a young, beautiful 20 year old girl, Julia. She is from the next town north of us. And as I read, it is unmistakable. In part it read, "Julia kept pain inside and on the surface she appeared strong. Underneath she was vulnerable, insecure...She tried to express herself in writing and in art. Finally, the pain was too much for her and she found peace only in death. Julia believed in Christ, and God has her now and she has eternal life and peace." So sad, yet another one. I hope at some time her family is able to reach out to us and we can comfort them as we have been comforted.

Two casts, no waiting. 

I just love this pic of Laurie and Maya.