Highs and Lows...
High: Having a great visit with Jammie Meyer and Brittany (both girls from the small group Laurie led for several years) and Jammie's RA, Kristin last Thursday night. Doing more processing with them.
Low: Jammie asking how I am doing with Laurie's death and having to truthfully acknowledge, I hate it. And I do not say "hate" lightly, ever.
High: Watching lots of the grandkids on Friday and getting a cute haircut from my niece.
Low: Having Katie and Molly incise some ridiculous cyst things from my neck for 40 minutes while they shouted with glee at each new squeeze/cut.
High: Being an on-stage part of the 30th anniversary services at Willow Creek this weekend for all three services.
Low: My part was being one of 35 people who walked to the end of the stage and held up a "Before" and "After" sign. My "before" read "Never thought I'd survive the loss of child" and the "after" read "God carried me".
And my "after" sign is true. God is carrying me. But I was struck with the fact that often there was applause for many of my fellow placard bearers. Placards that told of cured Stage 4 Lymphoma, adoption after the heartbreak of infertility, surviving of 6 story fall, overcoming addictions with God's help. All inspiring. It is just hard to clap for someone who lost their child, but more than once I was told that my placard meant the most to some. We were given the posters to take home if we wanted to and I did. Now I realize I don't need that piece of cardboard to remind me of "Before" and "After"; it sits in the recycling bin now.
One more high: I bought and fit in a pair of size 14 jeans. Have not been able to do that for at least 12 years.
One more low: Had a great sushi dinner with son Chris tonight and now I'm worried if those jeans will still fit...
Addendum Monday Morning
Low: Traffic stinks because of rain and I am crawling along at 15 MPH. Listening to Laurie CD, feeling sad.
High: The sun breaks out though it is still raining and I remember if I look opposite the direction of the sun I should see a rainbow. Since I am crawling along anyway I look to my right shoulder and there it is. A beautiful bright rainbow. And to my left, a black Jeep Cherokee. I feel much better!
posted by Barb K @ 8:03 PM
4 Comments:
My mom was at Willow this weekend with my dad, and said she was fine until she saw you. Then she lost it- not to say that the sight of you makes people lose it. That's not what I mean at all. You bring light and joy into people's lives. We just hate that your sign had to say that. Know that you are undoubtedly one of my highs. And that we're still praying like crazy for God's hand to be in this lowest of lows. Can't wait to see you and give you a big hug- we might need to plan a Thanksgiving break small group breakfast. Let us know if you're up for it :)
Very cool blog Barb... Size 14? I am soooo jealous. Wow. Congrats on that. I wish I could have been at Willow to see that. Is there anyway to get a video? And I'd love to see a picture of your new haircut. And are Katie and Molly doctors now? I don't think I could let them cut and burn my things. Spooky. I could just picture them giggling. I love and miss you... Gail
Where to start....you don't know me, I don't know you...just found your blog through another one which was from another one. My brother died 2 years ago this December - December 23rd. My parents had 6 children, then their two oldest died years ago, then my brother died in 2003. And my dad died this March. But you expect your dad to die. As my wise doctor said when I talked to him about coping with depression, he said people expect their parents to die before them. They don't prepare for siblings usually, and not at a young age typically. And my mom didn't prepare to have her oldest son die.
So for 21 of the past 22 months I've cried every day. Sometimes it's a song, or a memory, or a picture, or someone who looks like him. But mostly it's just because he's not here and he's never coming back.
I felt better for a whole month after talking to the doctor again. And then it started in again this month. My son's 2nd birthday is next week and again, like last year and next year and the year after that, he won't get to meet his uncle. And now I wonder how long will this go on? Am I going to feel like this every day for the rest of my life? Two years is a long time to feel like this every day of my life.
So I got online, one thing led to another. And I don't know you, and you don't know me. But we share something in common. I wish we didn't. And I know losing a sibling isn't the same as your child, but I felt a connection. I keep hoping that somewhere along the way I'll find the key to getting through this, past that one day, making it to tomorrow without breaking down once again. It helps to read other people's emotions, because none of my friends are in this place where I am right now. They can say they're sorry, or ask how I'm doing. I'm glad they're not going through what I am, but on the other hand there's no one who really gets what I'm feeling right now. So thank you for your blog, and for being open with your feelings. It's not a place I would have chosen for you or any other, but you helped me tonight.
Barb,
So inspiring. I actually was feeling guilty that I was very wrapped up in my world, hadn't had a sad thought about Laur in a while....but then I thought she wouldn't want me to be sad, but to just remember her. Like in my defense of NOT rooting for the Soxs, bc I am a DIE HARD Cubs fan. I am grateful for being wrapped up in myself again, I can feel only depressed about silly things that don't matter. Until I see that people in Fl won't have power till the middle of November. Now I am praying that Laur can help them, can carry them through this, because I don't need her to cary me as much as I did, but I still love knowing she will if I need it.
On a light note, size 14, you go girl! As someone who just gained 7 lbs and am hoping it's all water bc I'm bloated...I'm jealous and say major congrats!!
Hugs, Kisses, & prayers,
Kristin :)
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