Memorial Day 2005

I think Greg did a great job presenting a memorial to Laurie today. I have to spend some time thinking about my mom, too, today. You see today my mom would have been 76 years old. She always used to tell us that everyone put the American flag out for her birthday...and for a long time I believed it. But even if that wasn't true, I wave a flag of thanks in her honor today. She loved each of us, cared for Dad (who I also need to salute today as a veteran), knitted a gillion scarves and afghans and baby blankets and just was a fun, sweet mom. Not perfect, who is? She was a great memory maker. Mom passed away so unexpectedly last July; I still have not let that really sink in yet.
What I do know, is that I did not comfort her enough when my sister Lin died. Now knowing the pain of losing a daughter and how incomprehensible it is, I mourn that piece of all this, too. The other thing, too, is I am thankful I did not have to tell Mom and Dad about Laurie taking her own life. How could I ever have done that????

Mom at last year's birthday celebration... 

Laurie's Stuff

Well, yesterday was the day we finally got Laurie's stuff back. We had been told that it could take up to one and a half to two years to get everything back from the IL Crime Lab and unless we knew the governor personally there was no way around this frustration.

God proved that wrong. We had asked for prayer in this and God answered. The right people, the right phone calls and the right letter to Supt. Phil Cline of CPD removed the obstacles. So yesterday Pete, Katie and Drew went through the six hour ordeal of paper signing , three different locations all over Chicago until all that we wanted back was collected. Three big boxes and a large plastic bag...everything from the Jeep and from the spot by the lake...

So hard to go through everything, touch her books, purse, read her to do lists, see her planner where she actually had written things she was going to be doing that Thursday, Friday...Ah, gee, Laur, what the heck? Where did you snap? How about that sweet note written to Scott on March 1st? What were you thinking? Why weren't you thinking?

No clues here...just the really sad knowledge that we will not know. We will not "get it." But I am thankful to have all that we wanted to get back. It is another part of working through this exhausting grief process. I can not even imagine how hard it would have been waiting two years to open up what I hope will be healing scars by then. So I have gratitude for the prayers of many who continue to hold us up, to pray us through each day. As painful as last night was, I am so proud of this family...Kristin, Katie digging in, crying, digging in some more. Tommy crying with Maya as she described what she had written in her "notes" to Munch. Pete just being the wonderful husband, father he is. Oh man, this is hard...

Us on Siesta Beach in Sarasota FL 

What I learned in Florida

I just read Greg's blog about Costa Rica. What an amazing brain and heart that Greg has!

What I learned while down in Sarasota this past weekend with Jim and Lee Harshaw is that God provides the comfort one needs. Every part of our time there was blessed in some way or another. From seeing the beautiful Reuben paintings at the John Ringling Museum, to sprinkling some of Laurie's ashes into the Gulf of Mexico, to finding the mobile home park, El Rancho Village, here my grandma and grandpa used to spend their winters decades ago, to just hearing such wisdom and love from Jim and Lee, even as they grieve the death of their son, all these things renewed and refreshed Pete and me.

Do I feel any less grief now then I did over two months ago? No. Do I understand any more about why Laurie took her own life? No. Do I feel a sense of healing balm every once in a while? YES. Do I get that both grief and joy can be experienced and not feel guilty about that? YES.

It was a four cardinal day...

Today was a four cardinal day. If you are not familiar with what seeing a cardinal means to me, go to www.laurieboncimino.com and read the story.

As I left the house to go see niece Molly for a haircut, feeling sad, a male cardinal flew above my car followed by his mate. Hmmm...thanks God. You do see me. And then sitting out on Molly's little deck with Molly processing where we all are with Laurie's death, a big, fat cardinal lands in the tree near us. Molly has not seen cardinals there before. Well, thanks, God, again for that.

Driving the 45 minute drive back home, I am praying for Katie and how tough this is for her. For my granddaughters, Ashley and Brooke, and how they are dealing with this. For other family members who seem to have an extraordinary time figuring out how to process everything...and of course, one more cardinal soars through the sky. God, You are in control. You are the One to turn to, in the darkest of times and in the best of times. Thank you for all of it.

Tomorrow Pete and I go to Sarasota, FL as guests of my dear friends, Jim and Lee Harshaw. I know God has provided this little oasis of time to get refreshed and renewed in Him. We are blessed. And on a whim, I am taking some of Laurie's ashes to sprinkle in the Gulf of Mexico, that they would reach the shores of a country she loved when she served there.

Abandoned in Utero...

Doesn't that sound like one of the terms Katie has to learn for her nursing class?

Several days ago, a friend said to me that while talking to some people about Laurie's suicide and what could have driven her to that point, the friend said well certainly a factor was that Laurie was "abandoned in utero" by her dad. Ouch. Abandonment. What a harsh reality. And it happens all the time. Fathers leave families, friends abandon friends, adult children run out on their elderly parents...

And I think for me, I have had to go head long into the grief I probably did not process correctly when Laurie's dad left me, us. I did go through denial, bargaining ( major bargaining) and eventually acceptance that I was going to be getting divorced. And then my major tumble to medicate my pain with bad relationships, stupid decisions. It's a wonder I made it through. The kids are always so great about saying I did such a good job of bringing them through. If there is any credit, it all goes to God.

The impact of abandonment is huge. Last night at grief support I looked around and saw approximately 200 people all trying to wade through being abandoned by the death of someone they loved. Then I think about the thousands of kids trying to get through their parents divorces. I know why God says in the book of Malachi in the Bible, "I hate divorce." (Malachi 2:16). God has a plan, a better plan, a plan for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Today I am praying that the one person who might be reading this will have a big, bright light bulb go off in their head. I am praying that person will come to grips with the fact that leaving their wife/husband would be the worst decision of their life. I am praying that they will realise that divorce isn't just some phase and everyone will come out all right. No, there will be repercussions 20 years down the road.

Postscript: I have been listening alot to the CDs Pete made up for all of us which contain many of Laurie's favorite songs. (Let us know if you want a copy. It is Pete's ministry) One of the songs is by John Mayer called "Daughters". Every time I hear it I think of Scott and how it could be him feeling/singing the lyrics. Here are the opening verses:

"I know a girl; she puts the curl inside of my world.
She's just like a maze, where all of the walls all continually change.
And I've done all that I can, to stand on the steps with my heart in my hand.
Now I'm startin' to see, Maybe it's got nothin' to do with me...

Fathers be good to your daughters,
Daughters will love like you do...
Girls become lovers, and turn into mothers,
So mothers be good to your daughters, too."

God calling...

This morning I woke up with such a heavy heart. So many friends and family feeling sadness, fear, despair, anxiousness. I want to help and encourage but sometimes it is all I can do to make myself move forward. As I made my side of the bed, I thought, "God, where are you?" And just then I glimpsed on the hope chest (yes, I get the irony.) at the end of our bed, a book peeking out of the pile of stuff. The title is "God Calling" by AJ Russell. We have been given many books and I thank all of you who have sent them along.

I sit down to read today's devotional in "God Calling" and this is what it said:

"Turn out all thoughts of doubt and of trouble. Never tolerate them for one second. Bar the window and doors of your soul against them as you would bar your home against a thief who would steal in to take your treasures.
What greater treasures can you have than Peace and Rest and Joy? And these are all stolen from you by doubt and fear and despair. Face each day with Love and Laughter. Face the storm. Joy, Peace, Love, My great gifts. Follow Me to find all three. I want you to feel the thrill of protection and safety now. Any soul can feel this in a harbor, but real joy and victory come to those who sense these when they ride a storm.
Say "All is well." Say it not as a vain repetition. Use it as you use a healing balm for a cut or wound, until the poison is drawn out; then, until the sore is healed; then,until the thrill of fresh life floods your being. All is well."

I often heard Laurie say to others and me not to let things/people rob you of your joy. So today I will chose not to be robbed of joy. I can't quite say all is well, but I am getting a little closer.

Why Elvis?....

Last week Pete and I retied the knot while we were in Las Vegas for a conference I was attending. We chose to go to an Elvis chapel to establish our new anniversary date of 5-5-o5; March 4th just wasn't going to work any more.

Our family has several weird ties to Elvis. Pete does an Elvis on stilts character for weddings, etc; we once won a trip to the Bahamas when Pete's Elvis on stilts was declared best costume at a Halloween contest. Christa used the Elvis costume for Halloween at a party at IU. Laurie dressed as Elvis for Sandblast in 2001 and just last semester Laurie dressed up as Elvis for her guitar class at Harper. She sang and played "Can't Help Falling in Love" to the hysteria of her fellow students.

So an Elvis chapel was the perfect place for us to renew our wedding vows...Viva las Vegas!

Laurie "Elvis" and Kristin at Sandblast '01 

Barb, "Elvis" and Pete at our vow renewal last week. 

How to get through this Mother's Day

Here's how I spent this Mother's Day... Dinner with friends and Katie and her kids Saturday night. Sunday morning, Pete and I go to church and for once I don't cry; breakfast at our favorite Sunday morning restaurant, Embers. Get a hug from our favorite waiter, Tony and talk to Bob, the elderly man who also goes there Sunday mornings.
And then off to Wrigley Field. My sweet friend, Barb H gave us her tickets for the Cubs game today. Though certainly not the Number One Fan Laurie was, we had a great time. Sort of a perfect way to feel close to La today. I also thought of my sweet mom and the gillion or so Cubs games she sat next to my dad watching on TV for so many years.
Calls from the Texas Boncimino's, Drew Brown, Brian Steck, Mary C and Diane Z. And a great dinner at Cafe Ba Ba Reeba with all the rest of our kids and grandkids. Really a bittersweet day, but one where I have felt honored to be a mom, mom to some amazing kids...Thanks for each of them, God.

Perfect place to spend Mother's Day... 

Back Home...

Pete and I got home last night about 12:45 AM. I should be unpacking, buying a birthday present for my little grand nephew, Brock's party this afternoon, but I am still in my pajamas sitting at the computer.

These last five days were good. The conference was fine; my rep company even won an award. Our renewal of our wedding vows could not have been any more perfect. We had family and a few friends, and if you know us, you know that having Elvis do the "ceremony" was not disrespectful but ideal. There will need to be separate blog on that with pictures! What was really good was that I had probably two days where I did not cry once...

But last night on the plane ride home, I had time to think what I was going back to. All the thoughts of this being the first Mother's Day without Laurie and my mom, Mom and Dad's wedding anniversary on May 10th. I had the window seat (Thank you, Jackie, Russ and Pete) and in the darkened plane, tears just rolled and rolled. Finally back home, a pile of mail with more sympathy and encouragement cards, a beautiful "Welcome Home to the Newlyweds" banner and a thick envelope with 40 copies of the memorial edition of The Challenger, the Harper Honors newsletter entirely devoted to Laurie. I read every article in it, articles written by her friends, her professors, her family...just amazing! I am struck again with the impact Laurie made on people. How God designed this beauty called Laurie Boncimino is beyond my comprehension. I need to say it again: How fortunate am I to have had her as my daughter for 20 years!

Two months ago....

Two months ago today. Her room looks pretty much the same as it did that day, maybe a little tidier and less clothes since we have donated some of them to go to South Africa. Her Jeep now sits in the garage, no Hawaiian lei over the rearview mirror. She left the house that day, saying, "Mom, have a great day. See you tonight. I love you." Did she have her plan in mind then? It does not seem likely to me. What broke her spirit and her mind? Will I ever have all the pieces? Probably not...

Today in the Daily Herald her picture is there on page three with an article about The Overnight, suicide prevention 20 mile walk. I just want to weep again and again.

Last night we got another great gift. All the "Reflections of Laurie" cards mounted in a beautiful album, done by Jeannie and Jarrett Stevens. Still so amazing to read the impact she had on others. Today will be hard. Our distraction will be traveling to a conference I will be attending in Las Vegas. One good thing, Pete and I will be renewing our wedding vows while there. We have decided to unofficially change our anniversary date. Laurie was still missing on our 16th wedding anniversary, March 4th and the idea of always having to link those dates is too hard. So we have chosen May 5th, Cinco de Mayo, 05-05-05. We like that; it honors Laurie's love of Mexico, we have five kids and we are fans of margaritas.

Yes, today will be hard. I love you, Laurie Boncimino.