Abandoned in Utero...
Doesn't that sound like one of the terms Katie has to learn for her nursing class?
Several days ago, a friend said to me that while talking to some people about Laurie's suicide and what could have driven her to that point, the friend said well certainly a factor was that Laurie was "abandoned in utero" by her dad. Ouch. Abandonment. What a harsh reality. And it happens all the time. Fathers leave families, friends abandon friends, adult children run out on their elderly parents...
And I think for me, I have had to go head long into the grief I probably did not process correctly when Laurie's dad left me, us. I did go through denial, bargaining ( major bargaining) and eventually acceptance that I was going to be getting divorced. And then my major tumble to medicate my pain with bad relationships, stupid decisions. It's a wonder I made it through. The kids are always so great about saying I did such a good job of bringing them through. If there is any credit, it all goes to God.
The impact of abandonment is huge. Last night at grief support I looked around and saw approximately 200 people all trying to wade through being abandoned by the death of someone they loved. Then I think about the thousands of kids trying to get through their parents divorces. I know why God says in the book of Malachi in the Bible, "I hate divorce." (Malachi 2:16). God has a plan, a better plan, a plan for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Today I am praying that the one person who might be reading this will have a big, bright light bulb go off in their head. I am praying that person will come to grips with the fact that leaving their wife/husband would be the worst decision of their life. I am praying that they will realise that divorce isn't just some phase and everyone will come out all right. No, there will be repercussions 20 years down the road.
Postscript: I have been listening alot to the CDs Pete made up for all of us which contain many of Laurie's favorite songs. (Let us know if you want a copy. It is Pete's ministry) One of the songs is by John Mayer called "Daughters". Every time I hear it I think of Scott and how it could be him feeling/singing the lyrics. Here are the opening verses:
"I know a girl; she puts the curl inside of my world.
She's just like a maze, where all of the walls all continually change.
And I've done all that I can, to stand on the steps with my heart in my hand.
Now I'm startin' to see, Maybe it's got nothin' to do with me...
Fathers be good to your daughters,
Daughters will love like you do...
Girls become lovers, and turn into mothers,
So mothers be good to your daughters, too."
posted by Barb K @ 7:32 AM
9 Comments:
Barb,
You have a magical way of making complete strangers feel like a first-nickname basis is appropriate.
I can't brush off, for one more day, my compelling urge to "comment." I've felt propelled to zip off a response to you about a dozen times since I first happened upon your blog many weeks ago. Ten kids (5 of them teenagers--I know, my twitch is barely noticeable), pastor husband and and out-of-home-office editing job, seemed repeatedly to have short-circuited my heartfelt, determined intentions.
Barb, your unparalleled warmth, your loving affirmation of EVERYONE in your life, (your beautifuly, engaging children and grandchildren), your selfless, forgiving spirit, your incomparable ability to articulate encouragement to bruised, bleeding souls--all are astonishing! Life-imparting.
You're walking through unspeakable anguish and yet from the very beginning--yes I read your initial statement in a news release online the day you learned death had claimed precious Laurie--from the first terrible moments, you glorified our precious Father with unflagging integrity. "We'll depend on God to see us through this," is what I believe you stunningly said. And have you ever!
Yes. Unwavering, unshakable, gutsy faith. You remind me of Jesus, Barb. You do.
There are about four specific ways you've ministered to the depths of my heart, in ways even my most intimate friends were unable to, as you've made your life see-through. As you've chronicled your raw, honest journey through the maze of your unprecedented pain. As you've reached out and offered the dearest exhortations, all the while, drinking deeply of the cup of sorrow that was served you.
Astonishing. So much more to salute you for. Wouldn't really know where to begin. But an ocean of thanks to you. Know this: via supernatural transactions in the heavenlies, you have comforted this sister (and I am convinced, many, MANY more) "with the comfort with which you've been comforted."
This posting is shallow applause for one so deserving of commendation and thanks. I somehow feel that your intuitive heart will read between the lines.
Debbi, Jax, FL
I will pray too for those who are considering divorce that they will reconsider for themselves and for the sake of their children. I looked up the abandonment and it states: to leave someone or something behind for others to look after; to surrender control of something or someone; to renounce or reject something. I received a book about adoption and the feelings of abandonment that adoptees may feel. I have 2 adopted children and even though their moms gave them up to have a better life they have felt abandoned at one time or another. So children of divorce can feel the same abandonment because their parent decided to go another direction instead of staying in the home. Even though they appear loving the fact still remains they choose to leave the family. I love you Barb. Love, Diane
First and foremost, I loved my dad when he was alive, and I love him just as much today. He has many amazing qualities, and there is no doubt that he loved me and my brothers and sister tremendously. The person that he was, I admire, love, cherish, and always will, just as my sister did. That said, and let me be PERFECTLY CLEAR, my father, Dennis James Boncimino did absolutely nothing short of ABANDON us. He made the choice to leave us.
I am so thoroughly disgusted right now, by the first comment listed here. Whatever "family member" (and I use that term VERY loosely) that is that chose to write that absolute garbage up there without even having the self-respect to put their name on it, needs to do some serious reflecting, and get the heck out of denial-land!
What kind of person has the gall?
Aw heck, this topic deserves a whole blog from me...stay tuned, and pray for me as I write it, because I, too, have 20 years of abandonment rage about to blow...
Barb,
BRAVO!!!! Can't emphasize enough how devastating the effect of abandonment is in divorce. People can protest all they want, but when a husband or wife divorces a spouse, they truly destroy their family as it once was. Life is NEVER the same and trust goes out the window. My sweet husband's father made that choice when my husband was 13. The completeness of his family and the experiences they shared as an intact family ended forever. At age 55 the pain still remains. Children are perceptive enough to understand that a choice has been made to leave them, in addition to leaving the spouse. They understand that they simply aren't valuable enough to maintain a marriage for. The parent's personal happiness is more important than the rest of the family's happiness. Score a major body slam to the self- esteem and trust of that child! Late apologies are a nice gesture but an insufficient band-aid on a damaged heart. Thankfully, we all have a Heavenly Father who never chooses to leave us. He chooses over and over again to stick around and to love each of us fiercely.... no matter how tough the going gets. We are always worth it in His eyes.
Blessings to you and your beautiful family,
MTH
I have been following this blog for a while and find Barbara's words to be a daily dose of encouragement for myself - and that is ironic, considering her own pain.
As for the "abandonment" issue. Yes, it is real: If even one of the children feels abandonment from a parent leaving, then that is enough. The feelings are real.
My own daughter has recently contemplated suicide - she is 15 - and, although on surface her reason for wanting to end her life had to do with a boyfriend's rejection, the cause for her despair went so much deeper.
Her father left when she was eight and her brothers were eleven and six. All of the children have problems now, despite my best efforts. Their problems are mostly anxiety, deep-seated anger and a feeling of inferiority. After all, their misguided reasoning goes, if they weren't good enough for their father to stick around, then how will anyone else want to be with them long-term? And how can they ever really trust again?
Thankfully and mercifully, we do have a Heavenly Father to take the place of the earthly father who wasn't.
The bible does tell us to remember the "widows and the orphans." In modern day parlance, this also applies to single mothers and to children who are left behind by their fathers (or mothers).
Every day I send up a prayer for God to send his Holy Spirit to comfort all those who feel abandoned, rejected or otherwise forsaken.
I have been silently reading your blog for a long time. I think I might have left a note or two before, but for the most part, I have just read. Your words hit a spot in my heart that hasn't been touched in a long time. I have been searching & searching for God and I think I am finally realizing he has always been there, patiently waiting for me.
Reading about your faith & about your daughter's faith has really helped in my faith journey-thank you. Thank you for writing in such a moving and open way.
Talking about Scott -- I often think about Scott and how he must be feeling. No doubt, this kind of tragedy hurts family member very deeply and it is very difficult to go through. But on a different relationship level, to lose a fiance must be extra excruciating. To be with someone, to love someone, to have plans and visions of a lifetime together, and then to lose that person -- all those hopes and dreams dashed! This is just so sad, there are no words except profound sadness.
I have read comments before that Scott also keeps a blog. Does anyone know his URL? I would like to send him a note, giving him my condolences.
^Me too
http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=1639779&Mytoken=20050406205542
try this for scotts blog..
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