An email from Kristin

This is from an email Kristin sent to the family and gave me permission to put on my blog:

Family, This is why I love words...This is why I want to spend the rest of my life wrapped up in words...

"Do you wish your feet would one day keep walking and take you far away from Mango street, far away and maybe your feet would stop in front of a house, a nice one with flowers and big windows and steps for you to climb up two by two upstairs to where a room is waiting for you. And if you opened a little window latch and gave it a shove, the window would swing open, all the sky would come in. There'd be no nosy neighbors watching, no motorcycles and cars, no sheets and towels and laundry. Only trees and more trees and blue sky. And you could laugh, Sally (Laurie). You could go to sleep and wake up and you wouldn't have to think who likes and doesn't like you. You could close your eyes and you wouldn't have to worry about what people said because you never belonged here anyway and nobody could make you sad and nobody could think you're strange because you like to dream and dream. And no one could yell at you if they saw you out in the dark leaning against a car, leaning against somebody without someone thinking you're bad, without someone saying it's wrong, without the whole world waiting for you to make a mistake when all you wanted, all you wanted, Sally (Laurie), was to love and to love and to love and to love, and no one could call that crazy."

The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros

I'm in the process of reading it for Literature class. But there are too many images of Laurie in this short little book without sharing at least one with you. It's about the Latino section of Chicago, a pair of sisters, etc. and about a neighbor girl named Sally, whose been trapped inside.

I love you

Thanks for humoring me...

An aside note, Kristin, my sister JoAnne and I are going to New York City in June to the Book Expo, a place where hundreds of authors and their new releases are gathered and we get to chose any/all the books we want. We can hardly wait!

Psalms and a Prayer Request

Today, we were given a great gift from a friend of mine and Greg's. Our friend got us a copy of a New Community service from Oct. 31, 2001. I had forgotten all about it but our friend had not. On the DVD Laurie was one of that night's worship leaders, with Joe Horness, Camille, Tim Carson, Paul Langford. Seeing her up on stage singing as she did often with her eyes closed, worshipping. So sweet...And then the part where she read from her turquoise Bible about God's promise, the rainbow. But it was the next part that astonished Pete and me. Cammille read the following verse from Psalm 18:16-19:

"He reached down from heaven and rescued me:
He drew me out of deep waters.
He delivered me from my powerful enemies,
from those who hated me and were too strong for me.
They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest,
but the Lord upheld me.
He led me to a place of safety;
He rescued me because He delights in me."

The demons, the evil one, hated her and attacked her when she was weakest, they were defeated. She was rescued and brought to safety...now with Him.

And my prayer request. We have not been able to get any of Laurie's stuff back from the Chicago Police Department. Though the case is considered closed and ruled suicide, all her belongings, the contents of the Jeep, her books, her notebooks, her purse, her roller blades, her frisbee, her cell phone, her keys, her coat, her shoes, the "note", all are being held up in the IL Crime Lab for finger printing. We are told it could take one and a half to two years to get that done because of the backlog. We have and continue to contact everyone we can think of to get her possessions back. For me, I just want it back to touch, read, to experience some kind of closure on that piece of all this.

Today I received a return email from a really great female detective with CPD. She says go to the top, the Chicago Police Chief, Phil Cline, and talk to him. My prayer request is this: That I can reach him, that I can clearly explain to him the importance of getting Laurie's stuff back and that I can do it with a thankful heart.
Would you please pray for this for us? I try to discern God's timetable or His reason for this delay. I don't think that I am out of God's will in wanting the stuff back. Looking to Him...

All over the map...

That is how I feel tonight, all over the map. I am elated that a dear friend, Kris Sumey, who Pete and I met last year when we served with the Leadership Summit in PA, has sent out letters to an enormous number of people telling our story and asking them to donate to the Overnight Walk (www.TheOvernight.org , Laurie's Legacy). Pete and I went to a movie, tonight, Hotel Rwanda. Such a hard story and it's true one. Why do people hate one another? Why do we turn a blind eye to a horrible situation? I cried at the horror of it yet it happened just 11 years ago in Africa. Did I listen to the news? Did I do a thing? Can I make a difference now with my love for South Africa? I hope so.

And then there was an amazing reminder of Laurie's compassion. I was led to another blog (www.xanga.com/ellen_leann) This girl who I don't know but she must have known Laurie, was downtown Friday night. She writes that she met a homeless man, talked to him a while, then 15 minutes later he comes back and said, "Hey, Laurie, can I have some of that? She froze and then he said, "Oh, wait you're not Laurie, she's not here is she?" Their conversation went on. I won't cover it all here but this homeless man remembered Laurie and Ellen came away smiling and thinking this kind of ministry is like seeing a piece of Laurie's heart.

So much more this weekend. Breakfast with sweet Kim Zubb, 45 minute drive to Berwyn to see little Denver walk in the 5 minute parade for the Opening Day for Little League. What do we do do with Laurie's laptop? Drew joining the Overnight team. Thoughtful emails back and forth with Scott. I have heard about another young person I know dealing with thoughts of suicide. Singing "How great is our God..." at church crying. Finally not getting painful shin splints tonight when I walked. Am I going forward or backwards on this map? I can't tell.

And now, I look back at what Laurie wrote in her journal on this date while she was in Mexico. She starts: "God...You are my strength. I've decided to start a fast. I need to draw nearer to God and and I feel like this is how I can do it. Complete dependence on Him." She writes some more, and then ends with, "So God...give me strength. Tonight I pray for Steve Cook and Jammie Meyer. May they feel Your presence in this momoent. Give them bold dreams and desires...help them to seek You with reckless abandon. Show them Your love for them...may they get a glimpse of Your unbelievable grace. Remind them that Your one and only Son died on a cross...for them. Nobody else in mind...just them. You are so good and I love You! Laurie "

God, You are my strength. You are so good and I love you, Barb

Taken a few months ago in Laurie's Group Discussion class... 

Private Funeral Service

This past few days have been interesting...Pete had to be out of town (Omaha) for a gig, leaving last Thursday. After dropping him at the airport, went to the post office to buy 1000 stamps for the thank you cards. That is soo unbeleivable, yet. From there went to my counseling appointment. Verdict for that day: Doing well, processing appropriately. So appropriate that I stayed up until 3:00 AM watching old videos...
Friday, Hayden here, Katie and kids later in afternoon. She and I are both furious about a $50 parking ticket the Chicago Police Department issued at 8:53 AM on Thursday March 3, 2005 to Laurie's Jeep. Seems that somehow, between the ticket and towing her Jeep, Thursday morning someone should have realized this was the very same Jeep that every newscast and police department in the state was looking for. As it was it the Jeep was not found until Friday night. We are also upset by a letter from a relative...too personal to go into here.
Eve, sweet Eve, stayed over here Friday night and helped me with my dreaded twice yearly switching of the winter sweaters and summer clothes. We laughed and got it done in record time. Thanks, Eve. I am taking you up on the offer of always doing this together.
Saturday, some really good support from family and friends. More about that in a later blog. Stayed up again until 2:00 AM.
Sunday, church with the family and breakfast out after. Bill Hybels sermon about economic and racial injustice stirs me. I have been to South Africa two years ago with a Willow short term mission team and intend to go again. Start thinking about donating some of Laurie's clothes to the Gifts in Kind collection. I truly think she would think that is a cool idea. I can not shake the idea that I need to go to Lake Michigan by myself. With Katie and Kristin at the house, I tell them I need to do some errands and leave the house. It was not really a lie, I need to do an errand of the soul.

I travel downtown, find the location where the Jeep was towed from and then drive on to the planetarium and park, realizing she walked a long way...It seems much colder than the day we were here six weeks ago. I walk toward the spot and for the first time see an arrangement of large stones, almost like headstones called the The American Courtyard up above the spot. I chat with an African American couple, mostly about the huge expense of this display. Don't say anything, else. Go down by the water and the place where her things were found. Fow whatever reason I had brought the little tape recorder Pete had gotten me and I start talking...I realize now what I was doing. I held my very private funeral service for Laurie.

Sweet girls... 

Truckin' in West Virginia 

In-Laws

Today I have thought a lot about my "other" kids, the ones married to my kids. Cheryl married to Greg; Christa married to Chris and Tommy married to Katie. They are the unsung heroes in this grieving process. They have had to be a support system for their spouse, yet each had their unique place in Laurie's life and they grieve too. Cheryl, Christa and Tommy, each wired up so differently, yet such a perfect fit in this family. I love how they parent their kids, I love how they appreciate our weird family traditions like blowing up marshmallow peeps in the microwave, I love how each has contributed their own personalities to the "unit".
I love how each of them loves Jesus and it shows.

Several years ago we all (14 of us) rented two gigantic motor homes and drove through the night to get to West Virginia to go white water rafting. We were all a little scared when we pulled into the campground that looked like a scene from Deliverance. We smiled brightly and encouraged each other that it would be fun. And you know what? It was, it was hilarious. Games of Cranium, hiking, Chris crawling out from under one of the RVs trying to fix the disgusting sewer hose, me getting thrown from my horse into a stream, Laurie getting thrown out of the raft and popping up down stream, fabulous "eggs-in-a-hole" and bacon breakfasts.

And the one thing I still think about was initiating poor Tommy into the "Now you are married to a Boncimino" club around the campfire. Pete, Cheryl and Christa gave him all the lowdown on what it was like to be married to the zany control freaks. (Who, us?) I think by that time Tommy already knew. But through all the laughter, we knew we were all bonded to one another and that is an amazing thing. So wishing we could have added Scott to the "NYAMTB" club...

Aaaaarghh.....

This is what you type when you are so drained....isn't this what the Charlie Brown characters often sighed? I am so sad, I am so sad... I miss Laurie, I want her here... I want to talk to her. I don't want to listen to her messages we have saved on our answering machine. The Spanish Happy Birthday to Pete. the Happy Anniversary we saved from last year. I want to hold her! I want her here! I want to hear her obnoxious laugh. I want this to be not true!

Yes, it is past 1:00 AM, yes , I have responded to several blogs and emails;, yes, Pete and I have talked about some very serious stuff; yes, I have spoken with almost all of our family today, yes, I went to work today...Do I get it, yet? No. I do not.

I just miss Laurie...

Happy Birthday, Petie...

That's what Laurie would be yelling this morning if she were here. She loved to honor birthdays and anniversaries with songs and cards. We still have her birthday greeting to Pete from two years ago when she was in Mexico saved on our phone answering machine. In it she sings "Happy Birthday" in Spanish and then laughts uncontrollably. I listened to it the other day and this morning reminded Pete that it was there if he felt strong enough to listen to it.

Pete, you are an amazing husband, dad and stepdad, man of God. When I think about our wedding sixteen years ago and how you took on me AND four kids, I am blown away. I know Laurie was nutty about you and so many times in notes and emails, she appreciated you. How fun to have a stepdad who was a clown, loved music like she did and provided extra spending money at the mere mention of a need. Mr. Walking Wallet we liked to joke.

So dear husband, Happy Birthday. I love you.

PS Wasn't the Hawaiian shirt with the Chicago Cubs logo discreetly blended in the perfect gift?

Laurie and Pete dancing... 

Laurie, Laurie, now in glory...

Hey, Laur,

Guess what I did last night? I served in PADS again. Remember last month I was supposed to serve and then you were gone, missing and sweet Sue Larson covered for me.

This month I got there at 11:00 PM and was greeted by several of the volunteers, offering their condolences. Anita, the girl in wheelchair, brought me a gift and card. The gift was the "Footprints" plaque, very sweet and so thoughtful of her. She ended up saying til midnight just talking. And Suzanne, another volunteer, shared some amazing stories about her life... And Ken and Lee, two awesome men of God, who have been praying consistently for us, were unbelievable just being there.

Laur, you know what was different last night? As I did each load of clothes for a different homeless person, I specifically prayed for them. Every piece I folded and put back in their flimsy plastic bag, I raised them up to God. Why hadn't I done this before? I've been volunteering at PADS for at least four years now. I guess before I just thought of it as "serving". Last night I was acutely aware of you and your heart for the homeless; the way you used to bring over outdated Starbucks sandwiches and sweet rolls. The way you would gather up a bunch of friends, make peaunt butter and jelly sandwiches and go take the train downtown to go find homeless people and hang out with them. Get to know their heart, you would say. It is easy being at Willow, throwing clothes into a washing machine, not really worried about anything. Ken, my PADS partner, is about 6'4" and could easily handle someone who might "go off". You, pretty fearlessly, went into unknown territory and made friends with folks nothing like us. You were very courageous and you never thought anything of it. I love that about you.

So as I left there at 3:00AM I praised God, again, for Him loaning you to us for twenty years. What a good gift you are... Love, Mom

There is no easy way to do this...

I drove Laurie's Jeep all day today; my car is in the shop. It felt so strange being in her spot. I played the entire CD of the Memorial service, laughed at some spots, cried at others. Thought about yesterday: a really positive meeting with two police detectives who we brought flowers to thank them for their time and efforts and sensitivity. The lady detective got weepy and said no one in 23 years had ever brought her flowers. Laurie would have, Chris and I did.

I think I want to be a detective. I feel like one anyway, trying to put pieces together. What happened when, what next, what was she thinking, what, what, what, why, why, why? Urggghhh. There will be no final answers here, this side of heaven. I have to get to used to that and my mind won't let me. It takes all my will power to remember my favorite verse and use it.
Phil. 4:8 "Finally, brothers (and sisters) think about that which is true, right, noble, pure, lovely, admirable. If anything is excellent or praise worthy, think about these things." Laurie's life was excellent, she was lovely and admirable...Barb, think about these things!

And the big thing that creeps in with Satan's vengeance. The rumors, the "unpardonable" sin. Thank goodness for Mike Breaux and his talk at Student Impact about depression and suicide. Yes, taking your life is a sin. You took away God's timetable for your life, but it is not the unforgiveable sin. I was given a little book from Mike Breaux titled "That Nothing Be Wasted" written by a woman who's son had committed suicide. Tonight I drifted away from the Colossians study at New Community and pulled this little book out and started to read it. When I got to page 29 there was underlining and brackets, someone, Mike?, had put there. I read:

"God judges a life, not by its last millisecond but in its totality. If there is forgiveness of sins at all...there is surely forgiveness for suicide. " And from the missionary Amy Carmichael, "For God sees the whole man, and He has a tender way of looking at a soul at its highest, not its lowest. He does not do as we so often do, misjudge it because of what its diseased mind made its body do in a blind and broken hour." I need to sleep on that tonight.

It's been a month...

I know, I know, yesterday was the 2nd. It's been a month. It seems impossible. It still seems like she is going to pop in the front door, yelling, "Hey, mom, I'm home."

Friday night, the 1st, was sweet, sort of. Pete and I went out for dinner with Eve, Drew and Katie. (Thank you Sarah for watching Katie's kids.) We could share and laugh and be goofy. (Can you say "uterus"?) but then back at the house, Eve and I reading, talking, trying to make some sense of it all. Not possible. Later, after Eve left and Katie and Drew had come back to describe their time down at Lake Michigan, I thought I was going to bed. But I was drawn to go into her bedroom...to spend some time in there praying, crying, looking at pictures from when she was in Mexico. Man, this hurts! It's after midnight. And then the front door pops open...for a minute I am thinking, what is going on? Kristin's in Colorado. Not Laurie...but instead, it is beautiful Katie returning the portable crib I will need for Hayden in the morning. She sees, she knows, what I have been doing and we cry some more in each other's arms. It is the 2nd. It's been a month...

Note that both these new loved items were on sale as well! 

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Yesterday was consumed with getting Laurie's Jeep retrieved from the Chicago Police Pound on the far south side of Chicago. Weeks of calls to various police personnel, frustration, sadness...to finally see it there among hundreds of cars, some with bullet holes, some horrible wrecks...Laurie's prized Jeep. Now a "crime scene investigation" coated all through the inside with special chemical to lift fingerprints. Dead battery, where do you get a new one? Finally, sitting in it where she had sat four weeks ago, all the contents have been removed, I pushed the Eject CD button, and out pops a CD Scott had made for Laurie. Now I press the Eject Tape button, out pops a Seeds tape from an August service. Mike Breaux taught on "Diving Deep" into God. Had she been listening to them? We won't ever know. The irony was I had just listened to New Community message from Wednesday of this week and Mike Breaux talked about the death of the lady who had been at Willow in August. Her name was Marsha Williams born with many physical problems but who could sing like an angel. Mike said she just passed away 28 days earlier. Did Laurie arrive in heaven just about the same time as this lady who's story she had heard on the tape? Hmmm? And as my sweet nephew Phil drove his truck with the flatbed hauling Laurie's Jeep out of that dismal pound, he popped the CD from Scott into the player. First song, Close Your Eyes by David Barnes, the same song chosen for the photo montage at the funeral... weeping from the three of us as we drove.

Today, I need to go to Linens N' Things. As I walk in I am hit with how much fun Laurie and I had in there just a few months ago buying stuff for her new "grown-up" bedroom. I go to the clearance area hoping I will find what I need there. Instead, I see clearance Christmas stuff and I am struck to the heart thinking of next Christmas when we take out those 17 stockings to hang on the mantel..."Jesus, Pete, Barb, Greg, Cheryl, Ashley, Brooke, Chris, Christa, Hayden, Katie, Tommy, Denver, Maya, Isaiah, Laurie, Kristin". Ahhhhh. What about Laurie's stocking? I can't breath, I am crying in the middle of Linens N' Thing. I need to leave; I look up and on the shelf are boxes of tool kits for ladies, not just any tool kits, get this: Barbara K 30 piece Tool Kit. Barbara K, that's me. What is this? And next to it a gold Christmas stocking hanging thing for the mantel that read "JOY". Okay, God, again, I have to thank you for putting me right where I needed to be to see my name right next to JOY. Of course I bought both items.

Tomorrow. Who knows? God does and I am counting on that.