There is no easy way to do this...
I drove Laurie's Jeep all day today; my car is in the shop. It felt so strange being in her spot. I played the entire CD of the Memorial service, laughed at some spots, cried at others. Thought about yesterday: a really positive meeting with two police detectives who we brought flowers to thank them for their time and efforts and sensitivity. The lady detective got weepy and said no one in 23 years had ever brought her flowers. Laurie would have, Chris and I did.
I think I want to be a detective. I feel like one anyway, trying to put pieces together. What happened when, what next, what was she thinking, what, what, what, why, why, why? Urggghhh. There will be no final answers here, this side of heaven. I have to get to used to that and my mind won't let me. It takes all my will power to remember my favorite verse and use it.
Phil. 4:8 "Finally, brothers (and sisters) think about that which is true, right, noble, pure, lovely, admirable. If anything is excellent or praise worthy, think about these things." Laurie's life was excellent, she was lovely and admirable...Barb, think about these things!
And the big thing that creeps in with Satan's vengeance. The rumors, the "unpardonable" sin. Thank goodness for Mike Breaux and his talk at Student Impact about depression and suicide. Yes, taking your life is a sin. You took away God's timetable for your life, but it is not the unforgiveable sin. I was given a little book from Mike Breaux titled "That Nothing Be Wasted" written by a woman who's son had committed suicide. Tonight I drifted away from the Colossians study at New Community and pulled this little book out and started to read it. When I got to page 29 there was underlining and brackets, someone, Mike?, had put there. I read:
"God judges a life, not by its last millisecond but in its totality. If there is forgiveness of sins at all...there is surely forgiveness for suicide. " And from the missionary Amy Carmichael, "For God sees the whole man, and He has a tender way of looking at a soul at its highest, not its lowest. He does not do as we so often do, misjudge it because of what its diseased mind made its body do in a blind and broken hour." I need to sleep on that tonight.
posted by Barb K @ 12:56 PM
6 Comments:
Mom, that was so insightful. I love that thought, that our lives are more than just our final breath, what God is doing in my heart today is more important than that moment in which I pass. Thanks for being so cool to share today...I love you!
Katie
Barb- You are an amazing woman, more amazing than words can express! I like what you shared about suicide. I had been thinking about that, too, and I've come to several conclusions.
1). We have a merciful God, and I can't possibly imagine that he wouldn't be merciful to someone was hurting as much as Laurie was.
2). If you die of cancer, do you not go to Heaven? No way! That would be absurd to think. So if mental illness or depression takes someone's life, why should we think that their Salvation is endangered? It's disease, a sickness, too.
3). As Christians, we are taught to believe that Heaven is the best place, that there is no more pain and sorrow, that there is ultimate happiness. So, wanting to get there so badly or early and away from this world of sin doesn't seem too irrational. That doesn't make it easier for those left behind, but in a weird way it makes sense.
4). Salvation comes by faith in Jesus as Lord and Savior. Laurie had that. And we can't do anything to earn our salvation- I don't think there's anything we can do to lose it either. I don't think God says, "Well, you were saved and had a reservation here in Heaven, but now I'm rethinking that cuz of one thing you did."
5). Doesn't Paul talk about how neither heights nor depths nor angels nor demons can separate us from the love of God? So, I don't think suicide would fall outside of those realms.
I don't know if these things help or not, and I don't know how Biblically based these ideas are. I am totally rambling, but I just thought I'd share some of my thoughts.
Know I love and pray for you!
Lisa
Lisa,
Thanks for your insights here. All you have said is so well expressed and I appreciate it so much.
You are being Jesus for me.
Love, Barb
Dear Barb,
As parents, we spend the majority of our time just putting pieces togther. Often our "picture" for our children isn't what we hope for and envisioned.
I hope we recognize and accept Laurie's trying to put her pieces together. I feel sad that I didn't/couldn't have known her "hard fit" between where she came from and perhaps where she was going .I have only this to hold onto: Laurie has found peace.
Love, Joyce
is there ANY sin that is beyond the pardon - the forgiveness - of our heavenly Father? i didn't think such a thing existed.
Mary K.
Barb, I don't know if you'll read this, as you have another posting since this one, but here goes.
Check out 2 Timothy 2 where it says:
Here is a trustworthy saying:
If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
If we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.
Laurie's exit from this life involved a moment of being faithless, but she did not disown Jesus. And Jesus will remain faithful in Laurie's weakness and hold her up.
Post a Comment
<< Home