Precious gifts

Is she not the sweetest?

Okay, this is weird...

The clan...

What I did on my Christmas vacation...

I went to two Willow Creek Christmas services. One so painful with Tommy silently weeping down the row; Denver sitting quietly, for him; knowing that stupid "Silent Night" family hugging thing was going to suck. And it did. The second time on Friday wasn't quite as bad. Chris and Christa and JoAnne and Mike and Marie were more calming somehow and I was able to listen a little more to the service and identify with the "Hot Chocolate" video piece. Still, too hard. Breakfast with my new friend Shelly (who is going through so much hard stuff with the death of her mom months ago and other stuff) was very good. We exchanged meaningful gifts and knew we knew each other's pain. Love you, Shelly.

Christmas Eve Day Pete, wonderful Pete, agreed it would be good to hang out with Denver, Maya and Isaiah. I am consumed with sadness for their little selves. So badly I want to "fix" things and can not. We picked them up and opted for Kelsey's Road House for lunch because of their magical Christmas decorations and it really was sort of magical...And the best, when we got back to the house: Denver suggested we build a snowman and we did in a record breaking 5 minutes. Yippee for us! Of course, the magic can't last and we return the kids to Tommy's mom's house and prep for dinner with Pete's mom and dad for her Christmas eve Birthday dinner at a Chinese restaurant.

Now that was something. My mother-in-law who talks incessantly begins to choke and gag at the table having some awful reaction and we land in the ER at Northwest Community Hospital. Will this year never end? She is okay and released after several hours; we are whipped...tomorrow...Christmas. Bah, who cares?

Christmas Day, brunch at JoAnne and Mike's with all the family. How was that? Some sweet (Maya in her little cape), some numbing (first year with a Bloody Mary bar), some bittersweet (Katie there most of the time), some humorous (Chris and Phil appearing as Batman and Darth Vader in hopes of starting a new tradition?) and some just off the mark (Flip Flop pinata filled with Laurie type trinkets. Tommy smashed it to smithereens.) I pretty much had on my "I'm okay face" but was really one big sandpapered ache inside. Pete's family here for dinner in the afternoon exhausted me, a couple of thoughtless remarks almost sent me over the edge. But the one most meaningful gift to me (besides the beautiful calendar of "Pete and Barb through the years" Kristin made us) was the long talk I had with my new sister-in-law Andrea.

And now I know one of the reasons she is in this family, a new voice of reason. She openly shared her story of her ten year journey with bipolar disorder, of her getting to the place of thinking she was nothing, nothing that mattered to anyone but to cause them pain. And her breakthrough, with counseling, the right balance of medication and a relationship with a God that did not let her go. I see a flicker of hope...

Laurie's first Christmas in Heaven...

"Twas the night after Christmas"

" Twas the night after Christmas and all through my heart
the pain was immense; it tore me apart.
Her stocking was hung with the others with care
in hopes that by morning she would be there.
The children were nestled, snug in their beds
While visons of memories taunted my head.
As Pete lay there peaceful in the pleasures of sleep,
I curled up in a chair to silently weep.
I felt so afflicted, my heart was so battered...
I wanted to hold her again---nothing else mattered.
I welled up with anger; my teeth I felt gnash;
for where was the power to heal my heart's gash?
'Come quickly, dear Master! Help lighten this load,
for I think in a moment my heart will explode!
Oh Father, dear Father, You're my only hope.
Carry me, Jesus, as I learn to cope.'
Then gently and peacefully His love came down;
the warmth of His presence I felt all around.
To the world I still sat alone in my chair,
but I knew that my Savior was holding me there.
He had no visual figure, no white-robed ghost;
He was inside my heart where I needed Him most.
I saw the power of Glory---no facial details---
and His strong hands of comfort bore the scars of the nails.
For God, the Father, has too felt this pain---
His child also suffered; in death he was lain.
Then sent He an angel to the tomb where He lay
to accompany Jesus as He rose to the sky.
Then my soul heard the Spirit say, 'See, all is not lost;
your Laurie's with Jesus---there was life on the cross.'
I now had the strength to wipe tears from my face.
My Christmas gift was His love and His grace.
And as I lay my head down on my pillow tonight
I'll feel the true knowledge---she is all right.
'Oh, thank You, dear Father, for the gift of His birth,
and the gift of life once we leave this earth!' "

adapted from Bereaved Parents Share

Our carolers...

Who Am I ?

I just had an uplifting moment brought on by reading the blog of a new friend in FL, Kim, and listening to the words of "Who Am I?" Since I am not a techno wizard, I will just put her blog address here and hope for the best: http://bumpyroadsontheway.blogspot.com/ The words pierce right into my heart. Who am I but a woman who God wants as His daughter and He cares about every aspect of my life, the good, the bad, the tragic and the hopeful. He cares and I know it.

As I was typing this, another uplifting moment occurred. A group of Laurie's close friends from Student Impact, now all in college, showed up at our front door to sing us Christmas carols. Each of their faces reflected back, Christ's love; made me know that Laurie's life had meaning. That these college kids could have been doing anything but they came to let us know they remembered , they cared. We gathered into a tight circle and Josiah prayed for us, for all of us and specifically for Katie and Tommy and their kids. It was a sweet, sweet time.

And as I reflect on even the last 24 hours, I am encouraged. Katie and I met for dinner last night, a dinner that lasted 4 hours. It is not for me to divulge all, but the one thing I really came away knowing is that she is determined to get all the help she can to process her life and her choices and grow out of that. She is so not a monster or someone to judge. She is a young woman who has been dealt a lot of loss, has made some radical choices and has had to come to grips with who she is, really.

If I learned nothing from Laurie's death, I know this one thing. Our words mean so much and can do so much damage or can serve to encourage in meaningful ways. I will choose as much as I am able to encourage. And ultimately, I pray for God to get the glory through it all. He is our refuge and our strength.

How did this get...

to this?

Overcome...

Can one be overcome when their life is spiraling out of control? Overcome by their own choices, overcome by grief, overcome by the taxing burden of spinning so many plates? Yes, is the answer and it has happened to my beloved daughter, Katie. Katie is in the struggle of her life and in the wake of that struggle, she has opted out to find "me". Sound like 1984? It does to me. If what she says is true and she is finally getting counseling, it's more than about time. I can not comprehend how any mother can leave their children, especially one who so earnestly wanted each of them so much.

Honestly, I don't even know how to react except instinctually to help Tommy and the kids get through and move into the future without her. I can not comprehend what this will look like for any of us. I am heartbroken for three small kids and a good man who are now facing Christmas, Christmas, for crying out loud, without her. I am broken hearted that I could not reach her. How can this be happening? Too much, too sad, too frustrating, not fair! Oh, and did I say I am angry, I am seething, I am wanting to punch something so hard it would fly into next week. I want to scream the F word a thousand times over.

Tommy will need lots of help and prayer. I know our legion of amazing friends can be on their knees over this. And those with true servants hearts can volunteer to step up to the plate. Tommy's email is nappy1501@comcast.net. If you can babysit, know a nanny, want to encourage him or want to do laundry, email him.

And yippee for me. I have a counseling appointment Friday. Poor Glenn's ears will probably fall off. Am I defeated yet? No. I am STILL standing, standing for Him. God's eyes are not off this situation for a minute and that is from my heart.

Today

Today is the day alot of many people's futures will be cast. A discussion will be had and future plans will be laid out. It is a situation I have no control over. It is a time to rely on Him, and Him only.

Yesterday as I drove to work, I was deep in worry, deep in sadness. And as clearly as something can come into my mind, I heard, "Rely on Him." And a black Jeep drove past me and then another right behind the first...My eyes welled. Black Jeeps have been a reminder to me of Laurie for one thing, but of God's presence for another. I drove further, marveling at this calming experience and thought, of course, "Rely on Him" and another black Jeep went by.

To some this will seem weird, but the same thing happened three more times. I would be listening to Christmas carols, humming along with them, sometimes singing a loud and then that same thought would pop in, and a black Jeep would pass me. For me, God has to do stuff like this for me to get it.

So I head into this day; this hard day that will end at Willow Creek's Christmas service, tonight with my family, I rely on Him...

We still find joy...

A grandma, grandson moment...

Such sweetness...

Why this? Why now?

Okay, God. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I know when I am being tested to the max and it is now. You know the heartache swirling all around us right now and the anger, and the pain. I am going to stand on the promises You have made to me and believe with all my heart there is an answer in all this that is pleasing to you and will bring you glory. I believe Christmas is a time of miracles and Your power can bring one about right now. I'm watching for it...

Prayer Request

Without any specifics, could I ask for a mighty surge of prayer for our family? Prayer that Satan would be bound, that Christ in all His mercy, would prevail. Many thanks from my heart.

Super Trooper...

So I got a sweet certificate of thanks at the WCA Christmas Thank You Breakfast for key volunteers for Willow conferences. Bob, the presenter, pointed out that this was a tough year for our family and that I still had served when I could.

That day that started at 6:00 AM, did not end until 5:00 AM on Friday. Visiting the Novelli's after the breakfast and getting to hold the twins was a joyous time. I then stopped at one of my electronic distributors in the northwest burbs to drop off samples and Toys for Tots gifts for their Christmas party to be held that afternoon. I drove into my office in the city and worked like crazy to clear my desk for the weekend. And then the snow started!!!!!

What should have been a 40 minute drive ended up taking 2 1/2 hours of slow, slow inching home on crowded, snow packed roads. What actually made this time really wonderful is the Christmas CD Pete had just made for me the night before. Chris Rice playing piano of nothing but wonderful, sacred Christmas music. I had all that time in solitude to pray, think, appreciate the joy of this season. I had almost decided to bail on the Willow Creek neighborhood outreach of Carol singing at a local nursing home that started at 6:30 PM but I thought of Laurie and how she loved her patients at the Arlington where she had worked. Laurie had said how much they loved anyone from the outside coming to visit. So in I went and joined 15 others just about as musically uninclined as me and sang our little hearts out. The best part is the patients here are roughly 50% Christians and 50% Jewish and one particular Jewish lady, Eleanor, I came to find out, told the sweetest story. Years ago when her children were young, the seven next door neighbor Catholic kids decided to put on the nativity play and they used her young son, Eric, as the Christ child because he was Jewish. She went on to say Eric learned to sing "Jesus loves me." I could not help but think that this lady's heart had been touched by Christ. You never know what will have meaning to someone.

My last adventure of the night was to slip and slide my way over to Willow Creek to serve at my 11:00 PM to 3:00 AM PADS volunteer shift. While doing the meager laundry for homeless guests, sleeping there that night, I wrote out all my Christmas cards and was thankful to have that task off my To-Do list. When I arrived home, our sagging under the weight of so much snow, inflatable snowglobe on the front lawn needed clearing. So here I am at 4:00 AM with a broom dusting off snow, laughing out loud to myself.

Super trooper? No, just a 56 year old lady who is blessed to have the God given health and energy and pray support of many to carry on. Thanks, God.

I'm not here right now....

I heard your voice today. I called your cell phone...three times, in fact. Is it dumb that we decided to keep your number even though we don't have your phone anymore? $9.99 a month seems cheap to get to hear "Hello, (pause) Hahahahaha Gotcha. I'm not here right now. This is Laurie. Leave your name and number and I'll get back to you just as soon as I possibly can. Thanks so much and have a splendid day. Bye" I miss you Laurie.

Tonight I went out to my car to get a pack of cigarettes and it was so cold. And the stars were brilliant in the cold night. It's 27 degrees out. Someone told me that was the temperature that night nine months ago. Nine months ago when you parked the Jeep by the Art Institute and walked two miles over to the back side of the Adler Planetarium. Did you look up at the stars when you got there? I still can not imagine how you were then. Ending your life seems so opposite of everything you were, so full of life. You had only been 20 years old for nine months then.

And that's what's bothering me, isn't it? Nine months. I carried you inside me for nine months and gave birth to an amazing, beautiful baby girl! Laurie, you were so sweet. So fun. So loved. And then nine months into your twentieth year you chose death over life. And here I am nine months later still grieving, still so sad that you're not here right now. And here's one more thing. Tonight I hung your stocking on the mantle right in the middle of all 18 of them. Starting with Jesus, Pete, Barb, Greg, Cheryl, Ashley, Brooke, Laurie, Kristin, Chris, Christa, Hayden, now little Reece is added, Tommy, Katie, Denver, Maya, Isaiah. Yours has that gold hanger that boldly says "JOY" because that defined how I felt about you. A lot of the same stuff here in this room, but changes, too. A new couch and recliner, finally. The old couch was older than you. And a new Christmas tree, prelighted. That old tree was older than you, too. All the gillions of decorations are going up all over the house. I couldn't change that; I love Christmas and all it represents. But so many things of you...your notes in the Jesus stocking, the laminated placemat you made in second grade, the Christmas Dictionary you and Kristin made...And the hardest thing of all. The cherrywood box on the piano, next to the nativity set we got when we visited you in Mexico. The cherrywood box we did not have last year. The cherrywood box that has a little pink index card tucked in that lists all the places we have scattered some of your ashes. That cherrywood box is one thing I so wish we had no need of.