I'm not here right now....
I heard your voice today. I called your cell phone...three times, in fact. Is it dumb that we decided to keep your number even though we don't have your phone anymore? $9.99 a month seems cheap to get to hear "Hello, (pause) Hahahahaha Gotcha. I'm not here right now. This is Laurie. Leave your name and number and I'll get back to you just as soon as I possibly can. Thanks so much and have a splendid day. Bye" I miss you Laurie.
Tonight I went out to my car to get a pack of cigarettes and it was so cold. And the stars were brilliant in the cold night. It's 27 degrees out. Someone told me that was the temperature that night nine months ago. Nine months ago when you parked the Jeep by the Art Institute and walked two miles over to the back side of the Adler Planetarium. Did you look up at the stars when you got there? I still can not imagine how you were then. Ending your life seems so opposite of everything you were, so full of life. You had only been 20 years old for nine months then.
And that's what's bothering me, isn't it? Nine months. I carried you inside me for nine months and gave birth to an amazing, beautiful baby girl! Laurie, you were so sweet. So fun. So loved. And then nine months into your twentieth year you chose death over life. And here I am nine months later still grieving, still so sad that you're not here right now. And here's one more thing. Tonight I hung your stocking on the mantle right in the middle of all 18 of them. Starting with Jesus, Pete, Barb, Greg, Cheryl, Ashley, Brooke, Laurie, Kristin, Chris, Christa, Hayden, now little Reece is added, Tommy, Katie, Denver, Maya, Isaiah. Yours has that gold hanger that boldly says "JOY" because that defined how I felt about you. A lot of the same stuff here in this room, but changes, too. A new couch and recliner, finally. The old couch was older than you. And a new Christmas tree, prelighted. That old tree was older than you, too. All the gillions of decorations are going up all over the house. I couldn't change that; I love Christmas and all it represents. But so many things of you...your notes in the Jesus stocking, the laminated placemat you made in second grade, the Christmas Dictionary you and Kristin made...And the hardest thing of all. The cherrywood box on the piano, next to the nativity set we got when we visited you in Mexico. The cherrywood box we did not have last year. The cherrywood box that has a little pink index card tucked in that lists all the places we have scattered some of your ashes. That cherrywood box is one thing I so wish we had no need of.
posted by Barb K @ 12:38 AM
10 Comments:
Oh Barb... I'm so sad for your pain... what an incredibly touching post... you are in my prayers (and the rest of the family & friends). I'll pray for strength, support, healing and peace... a tangible sense of God's comfort and presence... and whatever else God in His infinite wisdom knows is needed. I am sorry these prayers are even necessary... Love you! Press on...
Barb....I wish I could just reach out and give you a big hug. I feel your pain through your words and questions. It really doesn't make any sense.....but then would it ever? I'm just pleading with the Lord to give you His peace and to embrace the holiday with joy....the kind of joy that Laurie exhibited to you and so many others. In this way, she is still with you and always will be. You are loved and prayed for daily.
In His Love,
Eileen G.
Barb,
How can it be nine monthes already. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday especially when the tears and sadness overtake us but then when I stop and think of all that has gone on in the past nine monthes it seems a long time ago. It still seems so unreal and unbelievable that such as beautiful, smart and joyful girl would take her life. 2005 has been a hard year for many and this season of joy is marked by loss but we do have the hope that someday we will see our loved ones who have gone before us again when we all get to heaven. I love you.
Love, Diane
Barb...when I think of all we have been through in the last 34 years it boggles my mind! But, Christmas without Laurie is the most mind boggling and wretched. I just want to say it again YOU are an amazing, inspiring, courageous woman. I pray for you and your family everyday for peace, healing and strength. Thanks for being my friend...I love ya!
Karen
I am just a lurker here, stumbled across your blog but I just wanted you to know that although we have never met, your family is an inspiration to me. I pray for you daily, asking God to pour out His love, grace, peace and favor on your whole family. Please know that the posts that you and your family write do inspire and encourage many of us who are also battling darkness and depression. We may never get to meet this side of heaven, but just know that you are making a difference and making an impact in the lives of others.
Oh- the stockings. I was thinking about those after Thanksgiving. Ricky and I prayed an extra prayer for that part of the decorating process. I love that Christmas is your "thing." I hate that it now includes this aching. I can't wait to see you at Christmas and give you a big hug. Not that that can soothe the pain, but that and a prayer is the best I can do. Doesn't seem like enough, though.
Barb, All I can do is cry and cry as I read this... I love you and cry for you.....Love, Gail
Hi Barb, Thanks, as always, for sharing these precious thoughts with us. My thoughts went immediately to the ornament Laurie made, probably in kindergarten - one of the years that we were babysitting her. I got it out today. It is her darling little face beaming from a silver heart. It has been on our tree every year since! I imagine you have one, too, but if you don't, I will send it to you. Our hearts and prayers are with you all. With love, Alice
My Dearest Barb,
I have been lurking here for the past 9 months and my heart breaks at the pain you are living with. I am blessed to know you and marvel at your enduring faith. I pray that God will continue to carry you and the family through this painful time.
Barb,
I wish I could give you a real hug right now. I am so sorry for all of the pain you & your family have gone through these past 9 months. I am praying for you guys!
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