What I did on my Christmas vacation...

I went to two Willow Creek Christmas services. One so painful with Tommy silently weeping down the row; Denver sitting quietly, for him; knowing that stupid "Silent Night" family hugging thing was going to suck. And it did. The second time on Friday wasn't quite as bad. Chris and Christa and JoAnne and Mike and Marie were more calming somehow and I was able to listen a little more to the service and identify with the "Hot Chocolate" video piece. Still, too hard. Breakfast with my new friend Shelly (who is going through so much hard stuff with the death of her mom months ago and other stuff) was very good. We exchanged meaningful gifts and knew we knew each other's pain. Love you, Shelly.

Christmas Eve Day Pete, wonderful Pete, agreed it would be good to hang out with Denver, Maya and Isaiah. I am consumed with sadness for their little selves. So badly I want to "fix" things and can not. We picked them up and opted for Kelsey's Road House for lunch because of their magical Christmas decorations and it really was sort of magical...And the best, when we got back to the house: Denver suggested we build a snowman and we did in a record breaking 5 minutes. Yippee for us! Of course, the magic can't last and we return the kids to Tommy's mom's house and prep for dinner with Pete's mom and dad for her Christmas eve Birthday dinner at a Chinese restaurant.

Now that was something. My mother-in-law who talks incessantly begins to choke and gag at the table having some awful reaction and we land in the ER at Northwest Community Hospital. Will this year never end? She is okay and released after several hours; we are whipped...tomorrow...Christmas. Bah, who cares?

Christmas Day, brunch at JoAnne and Mike's with all the family. How was that? Some sweet (Maya in her little cape), some numbing (first year with a Bloody Mary bar), some bittersweet (Katie there most of the time), some humorous (Chris and Phil appearing as Batman and Darth Vader in hopes of starting a new tradition?) and some just off the mark (Flip Flop pinata filled with Laurie type trinkets. Tommy smashed it to smithereens.) I pretty much had on my "I'm okay face" but was really one big sandpapered ache inside. Pete's family here for dinner in the afternoon exhausted me, a couple of thoughtless remarks almost sent me over the edge. But the one most meaningful gift to me (besides the beautiful calendar of "Pete and Barb through the years" Kristin made us) was the long talk I had with my new sister-in-law Andrea.

And now I know one of the reasons she is in this family, a new voice of reason. She openly shared her story of her ten year journey with bipolar disorder, of her getting to the place of thinking she was nothing, nothing that mattered to anyone but to cause them pain. And her breakthrough, with counseling, the right balance of medication and a relationship with a God that did not let her go. I see a flicker of hope...