We are held...

Symphony, harmony, testimony...

This morning on the way to work, I noted the temperature as I have for the last several days; I remembered the temperature THAT day, 27 degrees. I have noted the sunset; her note said she waited til the sun went down. All the haunting, memories I need to keep processing. And these few days before the second anniversary, somehow God brings harmony out of that. I switched the radio channel to hear " I wish you were here" and see a black Jeep. The song ( I need to figure out the title and artist) is from the perspective of a believer already gone, now walking streets of gold and someday the listener would join in the wonder. With a lump in my throat and stinging in my eyes, I next hear "You are my strong tower" and another black Jeep. And then, MercyMe singing "Homesick" and another black Jeep . I don't understand Your ways but I believe.

Today God created a little symphony for me. I know the next few days will be hard. Pete and I are going to spend March 2nd, celebrating with our friends in Kalamazoo MI (See blogs from September 17 and 22, 2006). Their daughter Nikki died just five months ago tragically with her fiancee. Nikki is going to have the art show she always dreamed of and we are going to be part of that. Ironic, coincident, God, that the date is March 2nd. Four parents acknowledging together how lucky we were to have had our girls...

I am trusting that we will be "Held" though this anniversary. (Thank you, Jammie, for the beautiful picture!) Katie, here with the twins and the Michel kids, will be supported by good friends, here at the house. And this might be a good place to say that I am proud of the measures Katie continues to make to build her life. One year ago, she was in a bad place, almost the worst I could imagine, but she is working hard to rebuild her life. Our communication is solid, the twins, a joy to have here and the Michel kids are a bright light to all of us. God knows the story; I pray for those who have been so hurt in this chapter that God heals their hearts without crushing hers.

Where would we all be if Laurie were alive today? I don't know. For me, I could hug and encourage her in her dreams. Laurie would have met nephews, Reece and Rylan, and niece, Kylie Laura. We would laugh and weep together. Her testimony, her words "The greatest thing I have is the promise that Jesus was born and that He died for my sins so that I can one day join Him in heaven." is enough to carry me.

What fun...Benanna's Wedding

Today I am going to be composing the "In Memorium" piece we want to have published in the local newspaper next Friday. Tonight most of the family is going to be at a wedding of one of Laurie's friends. Last night I went with Katie and the twins to the wake of one of Katie's friend's dad. This morning is the lottery for Cubs tickets. Just strikes me as the strange yet normal day-to-day I experience.

Greg's blog today, written half a world away, shows he is experiencing a lot of the same feelings I am. Emails friends are sending tell me they are thinking of us right now. The other day I browsed through emails we received when Laurie was missing and then when we knew what had actually happened. There were over 1400 emails and I just marveled at the outpouring from people from every phase of our lives. At a Willow Volunteer dinner the other night I sat next to an older man who told me he had never, ever stood in a line for over 2 hours to pay condolences as he had at Laurie's wake. I am reminded we have been so cared for in these last two years, reflections of community. What would we do without it?

Nitty-Gritty...

Aah, calm...I love it. There are currently five little people under seven years old all asleep right this minute. Pete is sound asleep, too. He has been busy keeping our driveway as well as several others clear of snow the last few days and he deserves the rest. Katie is in the kitchen sewing some really cute Cubs baby seat covers for the twins and I am lost blogland.

For Valentine's Day we left going out to eat to the amateurs and feasted on SuperDawg hotdogs. Bliss. (And heartburn!) Last night we did go out for great Mexican food with Katie and the twins and the newly engaged Sarah. It was so cute her telling the story of the proposal and the parts that several in our family played in it. I love that she and Jake go to Willow and we get to see them there...I remember Sarah joining our family at Willow that Sunday, the day after Laurie's body had been recovered. The church, the whole church, surrounded us that day by joining hands and praying for us. It was so emotional, so personal and for what I think was Sarah's first time at Willow, quite unbelievable. How amazing that God could even use that time in each of our journeys.

And today's title: We have a dear friend in Oregon whose blog title is The Nitty Gritty. I read Emily's blog and love it. But in the crazy ways of blogland, I came across another Nitty Gritty blog. There is someone who I have never met but she reads my blog and has a link to it listed on her blog. Right below my name I found the other Nitty Gritty and decided to give it a read. Imagine my intrigue when I opened Jodi's blog to see the same skin (background) I use and then reading her profile, discovering she has lost a daughter. That first night I must have read recent and then archived blogs for two hours. I couldn't stop. Jodi has the most uplifting, fun spirit.

She is 20 years younger than I am, has five children, one in heaven as she describes. She is a scrapbooker, an ardent baker, and has an unshakable faith. Four years ago, her near perfect life was shattered when a car driven by a woman who was wanting to kill herself drove her car into the restaurant where Jodi and her family were enjoying lunch after attending church. Their four year old daughter Teagen was killed, she and her husband were severely injured, their young son suffered post traumatic stress disorder for a long time after. An amazing piece to this story is that in the legal aftermath, in her victim impact statement, Jodi forgave the woman who had taken her daughter's life and even more, she totally gave the message of salvation through Jesus. Wow! At some point later she appeared on an Oprah show about forgiveness. Her story inspires me. She is real in saying life has had many rough spots, but by God's grace she still chooses joy. And like any blogger, she occasionally has some anonymous commenter that rattles off some unthinking or callous statement and a whole avalanche of defense comments start up. Isn't blogland amazing? Here is Jodi's link http://jodyferlaak.blogspot.com/

Thank you for the many of you recognizing we are coming up on the second anniversary. God will carry us.

Me and my valentine...

S.A.D. Seasonal Affective Disorder

I had never even heard of this disorder until after Laurie's death. It is real. People are truly affected by the winter "doldrums", the prolonged cold winters, lack of sunny days. And right now, I know lots of people suffering from S.A.D.

Like Drew, like Katie, like Pete, we are lurching forward to the 2nd anniversary of Laurie's death. Did she suffer from S.A.D.? Maybe. Do I? I don't think so but I do feel this dark sinking feeling when I let myself think I will never see Laurie again this side of heaven. I will never hug that sweet girl again. Oh, I miss that!

But I get these glimpses, these little reminders of the wonder of her. Her smell when I spray on her perfume. Her image from the many pictures we have of her. The impression of her the other day when I came home from work and there is Maya sitting at the kitchen table wearing a pair of big round glasses. The way the flip flop rhinestone encrusted air freshener that hangs in my car reminds me of her.

Hug someone today. Tell someone they are important to you. Give them a reason not to be sad. Be Laurie today and burp the alphabet.

GM Gets Educated and Gets Smart...

Last night as Pete and I were driving over to Willow for our PADS night, I was rolling over in my brain if I wanted to take the GM ad deal a step further by contacting media. We acquired many media contacts when Laurie was missing and I started thinking maybe this was a piece that needed elevating. Suicide prevention and the necessary education about prevention has high importance to our family.

Well, good news...GM and AFSP have come to an agreement and are pulling the ad as it has been shown.

Here is the letter I just received via email:


Earlier this week the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention asked General Motors to pull an advertisement and cease any further promotion and marketing of an ad, which featured a GM factory robot who gets laid off, becomes depressed and then makes a suicide attempt.

This morning our Foundation had several constructive conversations with GM Executives, and I am pleased to announce that GM has decided to pull the ad, including plans to air it on upcoming television programs and on the company’s website.

GM has indicated that they will be revising the ad, removing the scene with the suicide attempt and any implication of suicide before re-releasing the ad in the future.

AFSP and GM have issued a joint statement about the company’s decision and our support of it.

AFSP applauds General Motors for taking these actions. It is difficult to find organizations that listen. GM did by responding to the concerns of those touched by mental illness and suicide.

Thank you to everyone who joined with us in expressing concerns about the ad.

Our collective actions have raised awareness, and will help make our country more sensitive to the issues of mental illness and suicide.

Bob Gebbia
Executive Director
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention


Good. I feel better.

"That" Ad...

I am sure "that" Superbowl ad did not offend or sadden everyone, but it did me. I know I sucked in my breath as I realized what was being portrayed. Yeah, it was "only" a robot throwing itself into the water below to end it's "life" but it cut deep. Stuff like that happens everyday. Comments like "I could just kill myself" or the gesture of putting a finger pointed to one's own head like a gun. This morning on the Today Show the offensive nature of the Snickers ad, now pulled, was discussed. So was the GM ad. I guess it only hurts if it pertains to you. Below is the statement AFSP, the Foundation for Suicide Prevention, has made to GM. I have already emailed GM. If this impacts you as well, please do the same.


AFSP Issues Statement to General Motors Regarding Super Bowl Ad

The Foundation, in response to a commercial for General Motors Corp., in which a GM factory robot "obsessed about quality" imagines itself jumping off a bridge after being fired for making a mistake, has contacted the automaker, CBS and the NFL regarding the insensitive nature of this ad.

The ad, prominently displayed on the GM website, is offensive to the tens of millions of survivors of suicide loss nationwide. The ad, in its carelessness, portrays suicide as a viable option when someone fails or loses their job. This is the wrong message to send to adolescents in general, or to young people and adults alike who may be depressed and thinking that suicide is their only option, rather than seeking help.

AFSP has requested that GM pull this ad and cease any further promotion and marketing of it, including taking it off the company's website. The Foundation has also encouraged GM to issue a statement of apology to those offended by the ad.

Suicide is a major public health problem that has claimed the lives of over 300,000 people in the United States over the past 10 years -- with approximately one million suicide attempts each year -- taking an enormous toll on families, friends, classmates, co-workers and communities. More than 90 percent of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable, treatable mental disorder and are suffering. Suicide is currently the fourth leading cause of death among adults aged 18-65 and the third leading cause of death among youth aged 15-24.

Research has also shown that graphic, sensationalized or romanticized descriptions of suicide deaths in any medium can contribute to suicide contagion, popularly referred to as "copycat" suicides.

AFSP urges those offended by this ad to contact GM to express their concern. You can do so by going to the Contact Us page on the GM website. In the "Contact GM Corporation" section, choose "GM Advertisements" as a topic from the drop-down menu and click "Go," which will take you to a form where you can add your comments.


Added at7:30: Wow. Look at this heartfelt response from GM:

Dear Ms. Kovacevich,

Good Afternoon. Thank you for contacting us regarding the General Motors television ad, “Robot,” which first aired during the telecast of Super Bowl XLI. We appreciate your point of view and letting us know of your concerns.

This ad tells the story of GM’s commitment to quality because GM employees, together with our unions, are building the best cars, trucks, SUVs and crossovers in our history. We are confident that our vehicles can compete head-to-head with anyone and everyone, and we’re willing to back that up with the industry’s best warranty.

Again, thank you for taking the time to let us know how you feel and for your interest in GM.

The General Motors Consumer Support Team

So yeah, I am really interested in GM. Especially for this sensitve response to my email. As Isaiah would say, "Geesch!"

It's okay...

Would have loved to see the Bears win. That first 15 seconds looked soooo good. But to me the bigger story can be found here:

Beyond The Ultimate


Tony Dungy's story tears at my heart for obvious reasons. We have both lost children to suicide. Watch the video and watch how he explains how he would have responded if God had given him a choice in the matter. Tony's message resonates deep within me. Glory to God.

Go Bears!

February 2nd...

Though today the groundhog, reportedly did not see his shadow and therefore, we will have an early spring, the day did not feel like it. It is so cold, roughly 10 degrees most of the day. Layers, scarves, gloves are not to-be-forgotten items dealing with the frozen tundra. Really ugly are the salt covered cars and we went out on a frozen limb and had Pete's Jeep, Katie's van and my car washed. I have visions of us tomorrow morning with a hairdryer trying to open car doors.

Today would also have been my Grandpa Pope's birthday. What a cool man he was, really someone I have such great memories of. And today is my nephen-in-law's birthday. Happy Birthday, Jim. And it is the second of the month, now 23 months since Laurie's death. Following the pattern of a few months ago, I am spending each month thinking of Laurie at each progressive age. This month I am remembering her at 4 years old, hence, the wedding pictures. Laurie and Kristin were both four when Pete and I got married.

Laurie was all smiles on our wedding day almost 18 years ago until it was time to walk down the aisle. That's when she froze and my best friend Diane, my matron of honor, took her hand and walked her down. Just today, Diane and her daughter, Dee, Laurie's best friend, and I had lunch together. In a few short days, my buddy Diane is moving to Colorado. I am really going to miss our lunches but I know she will be back often and we still have our email!

The topper to today was tonight experiencing melancholy and then mayhem. Katie and I were talking about the need for slow and deliberate and nonpressured processing of all that is going on with her. Then in about a three minute period, things went nutso. First I found mouse droppings (YUCK!)in a kitchen drawer. (The poor mice are probably seeking warmth from the bitter cold but NOT in my house.)Katie showed the kids how a mouse trap works by having a pen act as the mouse. Plastic flew everywhere. Isaiah retrieved cheese from the fridge but did not close the drawer which then got caught on the door shelf which broke and sent stuff flying all over. Denver had the swell idea to lure a mouse to the egg slicer covered with cheese where he would then squish the mouse in the slicer. (Yuck, again.) At about this point, Katie set the trap and of course it snaps on her finger as she sets it down. Meantime, the twins who both had three shots each today at the doctors' are wailing off and on. I am busy vacuuming mouse leavings, doing a load of dish towels when the basket of assorted candies hidden from a 7, 5 and 3 year old hits the floor sending M & M's bouncing everywhere with same 7, 5 and 3 year old trying to wolf down as many as possible. Geesch. Is it time for bed yet?