How cute is this?  

I saw him this morning..

Every morning I have a little mental argument with myself, "Do I want to walk today?". Oooh, it's too cold. Ooh, I really should. Oooh, I don't feel like it. Today, yes, "I will" won. And I am so glad it did.

I was not two houses down, after admiring our newest Halloween lawn inflatable of a huge pumpkin containing a merry go round with various cartoony figures circling inside it, when I heard then saw him. Him, of course, was a cardinal, my sign that God is there for me. I have not seen a cardinal for a fairly long time, but there he was this morning, making himself very visible to me, even though his red almost matched the fall colors of the tree he was in.

So here we are, the start of a new week. Last week was hard for many reasons, part of the weekend was fun, helping the Michel kids build leaf houses, volunteering at Sonlight with my African kids. We could not go out to celebrate Pete's mom and dad's 50th anniversary because she is still too frail, so that was hard. But off we go...a new week, a new morning. I am ready to see Him.

Pete and Phyliis, looking good at Christmas. 

A salute to 50 years

This Saturday, Oct. 28th my mother and father-in-law will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Extraordinary! Fabulous! Awesome! What a great testimony.

I had this idea while driving today and wondered if I could have some help here. Since Pete's mom just got out of the hospital, we are keeping things sort of low key. We are all going out to dinner Sunday night. Pete's mom and dad are very devoted to each other and it is sweet to see. Wouldn't it be neat if they got a variety of anniversary cards, especially from people they don't know? I think they would be tickled to hear that people think that staying together 50 years is noteworthy.

Here is their address:

Pete and Phyllis Kovacevich
919 N. Chicago Ave.
Arlington Heights, IL 60004

Even a note would be so appreciated. Wow, 50 years!

Happy birthday, Tommy. 

Can I just take a pass for a while? This is the last night Katie will be staying here, she moves to her new apartment tomorrow with the guy who is the father of the twins. There, it's out and I feel better, I think.

This weekend was part fun, going to see "Wicked" with Christa, Mandy and Heidi and ending with dinner with Chris and Hayden and Reece. Talking to Greg on SKYPE Friday night was good. Hard parts for me this weekend were coming to grips with the future...a future without Laurie, a future where some of my grandkids have to deal with a new reality in their lives, an uncertain future with the myriad of health issues for Katie and the twins. Pete's mom home from the hospital but not in great shape. I have at least three big issues at work that need my attention. I feel like a limp squeezed out dishrag right now. Throw me into the corner of the sink and let me rest there.

But before I go to my stainless steel refuge, let me wish Tommy, a most amazing son-in-law, ( and actually right now, my only son-in-law) a happy birthday. Tommy, I believe with all my heart God is going to bless you. I know your pain and I see your heart, you so not wanting to be bitter. There are good things in store for you and for the kids. Press on Mr. 34.

Time to swim... 

Maya models the shower cap and splash football at the same time. 

Denver and Isaiah reading, yes, the Gideon Bible. 

Making applesauce... 

Loves and aches...

Because this blog is really my journal, I am getting antsy to write. I know I often have pictures of Denver, Maya and Isaiah posted, probably because we spend a lot of time with them. I sometimes wanted to pour out all the details of Katie and Tommy and what the reality of the divorce is, but I just can't yet. Katie needs to do that. But the reality is twins are coming into this world hopefully close to Thanksgiving or later. Several of my friends have new grandchildren on the way and I rejoice with them. I am envious of them. I wish I had a magic wand to alter the trajectory of this crazy course our family has been on.

But for right now, here's a few thing I love: Our new floor in the kitchen and family room. Kristin having a wonderful new boyfriend, Tyler, that we love. My sister JoAnne giving me a cardinal bookmark. Our "Table" experience with Buffalo Grove Willow Creekers last night. Going to the the Holidome with the Michel clan this weekend and not freaking out about being in a bathing suit. Looking forward to going to "Wicked" this weekend with Mandy, Heidi and Christa. Serving the homeless at PADS last Thursday until 3:00 AM with the cutest co-server, Pete.

And some things I ache for: Sharon and Ray missing their beloved Nikki. Pete's mom in the hospital, maybe facing surgery tomorrow morning. Greg and family being so far away. Old neighbor Jeanne going through major surgery and me not being in FL to be with her. Too many great friends in CO and FL and me being here. The new couple at Grief Support tonight who just lost their son two weeks ago. Divorce.

Enough. Good night.

Remembering Denny. 

Sweet lips... 

I love you, too. 

Remembering...

Last night late I started the search for some pictures of Greg, Chris and Katie with their dad. Today is the eighth anniversary of Denny's death and each year I let the kids know I am thinking of them and praying for them as they process that loss. I put together a few pictures, scanned them and sent them off via email.

Today Pete and I are clearing the family room and kitchen as we prepare to get new flooring installed. Yes, the last person in the world to have kitchen carpeting (me) is giving it up. In the sorting melee, I got bogged down in looking through another big case filled with more old pictures. We literally have thousands of pictures. I am so thankful for our nice digital camera where everything is conveniently stored on the computer. Just looking through a gillion pictures is tiring but I really loved it. I found one of Laurie at about six or seven standing next to a pair of twin dolls, a boy doll and girl doll, just what Katie is carrying. Sort of sweet I think.

But even better than losing myself in pictures, I found another little treasure. For Christmas 1997, I gave Laurie a book called Growing Little Women: Capturing Teachable Moments with Your Daughter. Okay, the title is dated but the neat thing is that she and I completed this mom-daughter bible study back all those years when Laurie was 13. It took an hour for me to go through the whole book, smiling at some of our answers, getting teary at others. What was such a great little surprise gift was her lip imprint on one page and an " I heart Mommy" on the next.

I think Laurie sent me a kiss today.

Amazing, isn't it? 

Did you see the moon tonight?

I walked with my dumb aching right leg tonight, impressed by the brightness and beauty of the almost full moon. The same moon that shone in Malaysia, in Michigan, in West Virginia, in Florida, in Colorado, in Pennsylvania shone tonight on me. I like that. The world is still turning, the sun comes up each morning, each of us trying to figure out how to do life.

I could do a little recount of the last few days...the highs and the lows, but I won't. I just know deep down, I can keep this up. This is the life I want, I love. I love all the interconnections, some so deeply close, some of them people I don't know...like Alex, but each of them part of me. I love that. And a comment this week from someone who in her professional life, experienced a suicide loss and we are a point of reference for her. Sad, so sad but part of the interconnecting.

Monday night our area experienced a terrific storm, Pete, Katie, Mike all said it was the worst they had ever driven in. Yet, Tuesday morning I went for a walk and saw an amazingly intricate spider web that had to have been created in a few short hours since the storm. It represented to me, that even after the scariest storm, beauty can still be created...and I can still see it.

To all those who need to see this today, "Hello, beautiful." May your day show you beauty.

Not one of us the same as we were then...

Ch, ch, ch, ch, changes...

Famous David Bowie song, we have it. It is what I am feeling a lot of lately. Today driving I loved seeing the change of the trees, something I love about the midwest. I just finished switching out my decorative flag out front to the "Leaves" flag and swapped out the fake flowers to fake autumn blooms.

After reading Ashley's blog yesterday (linked here) , I can feel her gut wrenching as she absorbs the changes in her, in her family, in her new locale, in her friends. I wish I could hug her and tell her it will all be okay. And Cheryl's blog (linked to Greg's), getting ready to apply for college again for her music degree, more changes.

Us living a life without Laurie, huge sad change. Hayden and Reece, wonderful additions to our family, awesome change. Tommy in the process of changing jobs. And then changes again, in our family dynamic. Tomorrow Katie and Tommy will untie the knot. I am posting a picture of that day January 5th, 2001 when that crazy fun wedding took place. Just going down the line, I review the changes from that time. What if we knew, what would we change? Probably not a thing that would have made a difference. We loved each other then, we love each other now. I guess I am just sad for what was. Still knowing that the God that I loved then is the one thing that has not changed. He remains the same.