From my heart: September 2006

The Rat, Rafael and kids celebrate friend Stevie's birthday.

Pre crash land for me and Denver.

Maya, the beautiful...

Isaiah's going somewhere...

Headline: Grandma Gets Decked at Chuck E. Cheese

There's a new song, Praise You in this Storm. It resounds with me. It starts:

"I was sure by now, God You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls ..."

Last Friday I drove home from work in the most unbelievable weather, tornado sightings all over the northwest suburbs. And then minutes before I was home the sun broke through, hugely, strangely bright. I actually saw the reflection of the gigantic rainbow in the window of the truck in front of me. When I turned and saw the real thing, I pointed out my window to other drivers. It was crazy.

From that point I was reminded that rainbows do, indeed appear. It has been a tough week, trying to support our Kalamazoo friends in their grief, knowing that in the next few weeks the Michel marriage will be dissolving, that my sister Gail is grieving too, losing their dog the day after her birthday. And Eve, and Shelly, and Debbie, and Mary and all my small group...world news, local news, shootings. God, I thought by now you would have wiped our tears away.

And physical stuff for me. I wrecked my leg last Sunday playing soccer with Denver. Two days of incredible pain, barely being able to go up and down stairs. Gradual healing but not full strength, yet. And then tonight, too absurd, at Chuck E. Cheese I step in front of Denver to stop him from running and we both go down to the floor. Poor Denver cracked his ear on a ride and I scramble to my feet. What 57 year old Grandma gets decked at Chuck E. Cheese? And it made me laugh...a rainbow, I guess. Our tears are wiped away, maybe for just a short while.

"You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm "

Joey, Mom, me and the birthday girl, Gail, three years ago

My sister...Gail

September 27th, 1957. (Sorry, Gail. Yes, this tells your age.) I was eight, my sister Lin was seven. Mom and Dad brought home from the hospital this cute little baby girl, my sister, Gail. Happy birthday, dear one. I appreciate so much the unique perspective you have brought to our family! We are richer for it.

Were it not for you, I probably would not be married to Pete. Thank you for introducing the most wonderful guy in the world to our family and to me. At this stage of our lives we get that not all is a fairy tale with great endings. There is hard stuff, fun stuff, ridiculous stuff...God stuff. At 8 I had no idea what life would hold but I knew I had these sweet sisters (and one more to come) and that was good enough.

I have a gillion pictures but I like this one, though Lin is missing. Mom and us...Happy birthday, Gail. May this day bring you joy.

No words...just whispered prayers.

Blessed are they that mourn...

For they shall be comforted... Matthew 5:4

Our dear sweet friends, Ray and Sharon, their family and many others , have entered that House of Mourning. Pete and I walked in there with them. The wake, the funeral for their beautiful 24 year old daughter, so hard; meeting the fiancee's parents, who just went through their son's funeral the day before...Lord, please comfort them. We know the days ahead for them.

There are too many intimate details of the last 36 hours spent with them to recount but suffice to say, I know God placed us together over a decade ago, one couple from Buffalo Grove IL and another from Kalamazoo MI, to walk a journey most couples, thankfully, don't have to walk...bearing the death of a child. For Pete and me, it was almost as if the scab got ripped off again and that tender spot is exposed. But I acknowledge that tender spot and it makes me tender to them. Tender, too, to all those in my first small group at Grief Support.

Tonight I am tired. Talked to Greg on SKYPE; spoke with Katie. I just want to hug each of our kids and their wonderful spouses and the grandkids, and tell them how much I love them. Right now, though there are so many unanswered questions, I will rest in Him...comforted.

Oh, if it were not true...

Our Saturday morning changed in a minute when we got a phone call. Our dear friends from Kalamazoo MI, Pete's friends for at least 20 years, mine for 18 years, had received the police visit at 3 AM early Saturday morning. Their 24 year old daughter, just engaged on her birthday weeks earlier, had been struck and killed by a motorcyclist Friday night. Her fiancee was also killed.

As Sharon and I sobbed over the phone, we both knew that God had created our friendship, our really wonderful, crazy friendship those many years ago for this...two woman who have lost dearly beloved daughters to walk this hard journey together. Our husbands will have each other to lean on, trying to figure out what to do next to help their wife. How do you get over losing a stepdaughter, so much more like a daughter? Pete and I are only 18 months ahead of these two. For our friends entering the House of Mourning has just begun. It is the house you just want to burn down...but can't. Peace tonight, dear ones. We will be back in Kalamazoo on Wednesday to hold you up, to stand with you.

And tomorrow night I start for the first time as a small group leader at Grief Support for a Child Loss group. Nine parents, some probably numb from the newness of their loss, will be struggling to find meaning, to find some hope, some comfort. Use me, God. My hope comes only from you.

Isaiah, what are you thinking here?

Hey, dad...

So they say we get our picture of God from how we see our own fathers. Is that so? My dad represented many things to me in my lifetime...funny man, business man, bike racer, provider. In later years, pained man, tall story teller, a little off center. In the last weeks, sweet man grieving the loss of his wife, constant praiser, affectionate, loving, then in so much pain...

Dad, let this stand as my love letter to you. You, as my earthly father, did every thing you could to parent me as well as you could from what life dealt you. You were fun, came from a place I did not understand. I will always, always be so thankful for the opportunity to pray with you the prayer that brought you to heaven. I have often said it was better that you and mom entered heaven before Laurie. I don't think I could have ever explained what had happened to Laurie to you here on earth. So Dad, know how much I loved you. Know that these last two years since you've been gone from us has let me know what I am made of. You gave me enormous courage to face the future. Know that I know that raising four girls was huge...you were a great Dad.

Little Isaiah, now 3 yrs old, did the most interesting thing the other day. He just stopped in front of the picture of you and Mom. He stayed there for several minutes, almost talking to you. I had enough time to take a picture. He is so sweet; all the grandchildren are so sweet. I remember how you bragged about all of us. Did you say hi to Isaiah? He could use your goofy outlook right now. Watch over him, would you?

I love you Dad. Thanks for everything. Barb

Salesman Denver Michel presents his wares...

Wanna help a little kid?

Yes, it is that time again. Kids are back to school. Denver has started second grade and Maya is a cute pixie kindergartner. Maya was her class' first recipient of the "Character Counts" award. How cool is that?

All my grandkids are amazing and unique. Ashley's off running international track meets, Brooke is a soccer star in Malaysia (well, as soon as the season starts, she will be.) Little Hayden is almost all potty trained, Reece is walking. Isaiah, the recent birthday boy, got two shots today at his three year old checkup and never cried. And Nora, I pray she is well.

Mr. Entrepreneur Denver has cajoled me into asking everyone I know to buy something from his school's fundraiser. He has his heart set on a guitar; to earn this he must sell 100 items. So you wanna help a little kid? The webpage is www.heartlandholidays.com . Basically you can look over all the stuff, pick out something, make a little shopping list and then you email the list(per the website) to Denver at nursekatie1@hotmail.com. Denver (using his new math skills of adding numbers) and Katie will then let you know how much you owe. Whaddaya think?

Sept. 11th

It's been building...the tension of remembering what it all meant, what does it continue to mean. Pete and I went Thursday night to see World Trade Center. Weirdly, we were the only people in the entire AMC theater. To see it all unfold on the giant screen, sitting right smack in the middle of the theater, hearing those sounds and then being inspired by the heroism shown there, overwhelming. And like I tend to do, I went online and verified parts of the movie I wondered about, reread the Newsweek magazine from Aug 11th, sat last night and watched hours of coverage from those days. The thousands of families directly affected by the tragic events, the millions affected indirectly.

How differently we think about things now. Having Greg and Cheryl and the girls in Malaysia, are they safe? Listening to son Chris' experience as he was given the opportunity to pray in a mosque with two muslim coworkers. My regret at not really understanding politics like I should. The innocence we all had that morning before the first plane struck; the fears, the sadness that overtook; the patriotic fervor that replaced the fear. And now, where are we? Where am I?

I guess I will take words from our friend Marty's Great Day Addendum:

"Now more than ever, men and women should be re-evaluating their lives and their priorities. Now more than ever, perhaps more than ever before, people in our nation and in our world should be searching for answers…searching to fill the hole in their hearts… and the void in their lives. Now more than ever, people should be searching… searching for hope…searching for peace… searching for God. Now more than ever, we are in need of men and women of faith to step out of the darkness and into the light, willing to share their faith… their hearts… their lives. Now more than ever, we need believers to get off the bench and get out of the pew and do something…

One man… One woman… with faith… can make a difference. With Jesus, we can do anything."

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 40:31NIV

Hooray. Isaiah's three!

Oops. Well, this is not good...

Happy Birthday, Isaiah!

Happy Birthday, Diane!

Happy Birthday, Eric.

Sort of odd, don't you think?

Yesterday was one of those days out of the ordinary. Pete and I attended the funeral of a woman we had never met but who was the grandma of one of our Kristin's best friends, Jessica. As stange as it sounds, it was one of those inspiring funerals representing a life well lived...a warm legacy.

And then the stranger part: I spent time yesterday with three different people who each had their birthday yesterday, September 8th. First was lunch with my dear, wonderful friend Diane. We have been friends well over twenty years. She is probably my closest confidante. We are best friends; our two sons, Chris and Steve, are best friends; Laurie and Diane's daughter Dee were best friends. Pretty awesome.

Later I celebrated Isaiah's third birthday with the Michel's. Probably the funniest moment was when I first got to the house, bringing in balloons, his cake and presents. As Katie and I assembled his scooter in the living room, Isaiah decided to examine his cake. Oops! It landed upside down on the kitchen floor. His comment was something like, "Well, this is not good." Dinner at a local Mexican restaurant with special sombrero and sparklers, capped his day.

And last I stopped at EagleWood Resort where I knew my co worker Elaine was staying with her family celebrating her son Eric's 36th birthday. The pic of me with Eric is dark but that's us. So how strange is that? Makes me wonder what goes on nine months earlier that I know three people with the same birthday. Hmmm?

Kate the skate.

Sweet.

Katie's Birthday

September 7th...Katie's 28th birthday. I am at a loss. No words. So hard. Can't say. Please pray.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, who have been called according to his purpose."

Happy birthday, Katie. I love you, Mom

18 months...

I cannot let this day go by without acknowledging, at least for myself, that it has been 18 months today that Laurie ended her life. Why is it still so incomprehensible? Why did I miss any signs? Why did I not see a thing in her eyes that morning to let me know it would be the last time I would see her alive? Ugggg. These stinking "Whys". "Whys" with no real answers.

So much has happened since then...some good, some so horribly bad. Turning over these past 18 months again and again. I am on the slinky trail again. No linear healing; a lot of going round and round.

A piece of comfort for me is a song that a friend of Laurie's wrote and sang at camp. The lyrics are beautiful and so thought provoking. I plan on posting the song eventually. One part is the lines:

"Did you know He dove into the water after you?
Did you know He dove into the water and caught you?"

The imagery of Jesus swooping His arms around her and her leaning into Him brings a measure of peace. I'll leave it there.