Movement, progress...

I need to let Kristin know how much I value her. She is without doubt one of the most grounded, real, young woman I have ever known. And I know many young woman of amazing caliber, all my small group gals for instance. All amazing. But Kristin, ah, Kristin.

You were amazing in sharing your heart with Jeanne M. who is preparing to speak to Student Impact parents on depression and suicide. You have poured into us and into others. You care for Denver, Maya and Isaiah on Thursday nights when you could be chilling anywhere else. You maintain friendships. You show compassion. You love old people. I could go on and on.

But what spoke volumes to me was the other day when you said, "Let's go through THE boxes and get that over with." THE boxes are the ones returned from the Chicago Police Department: Evidence and Recovered Property...stuff from Laurie's Jeep. Those three boxes have sat up in La's room and have hung over me like a dark, gloomy cloud. We went through each one and found new homes for some stuff, got rid of some more, and decided to hang on to some but the big point here is we had movement, progress. We continue to process and ask for God to keep healing us. Kristin, I love you. Thanks.

This is the life...

Habitrail Hijinks

I'm such a girl...

Isaiah, poolside...

Denver and Grarndma heading out...

Grandchildren, God's Reward...

Today marks the 16th birthday of my beautiful granddaughter, Ashley Boncimino. Her parents threw her an amazing Sweet 16 party that is chronicled on Greg's blog. I talked to her last night on the phone and had to smile at her excitement and maturity. She really doesn't care about getting her driver's license yet; insurance is too pricey. How cute. Brooke, now 14, is hilarious when she tells her mom for her 16th, skip the party, buy me a car. Brookie always reminds me of me.

Hayden and Reece, the dynamic duo of Barrington, are the sweetest two little guys. I am in awe when I see both their smiling little faces and realize God was so gracious to us in bringing these two into our family through the brave choices of their birth moms.

Denver, Maya and Isaiah...Katie and Tommy's three, have been having a tough time understanding why Mommy is not around, as we all are. The ache for them does not let up. We care for them Saturday into Sunday and try to plan fun stuff. This weekend we built a snow igloo and then spent the night at a Holidome to swim, play, just have fun. They were so sweet when we got up Sunday morning and took the news that we were leaving the hotel to go to Promiseland, even though they would have loved to have stayed and played some more. I can not even bear to share some of the things they say. Too sad. Too much of a reminder of 22 years ago when Denny moved out.

And then, my distant granddaughter, Nora, the baby Katie lovingly and bravely brought into the world nine years ago. Katie could have easily chosen abortion without us ever knowing but she did not. She carried her nine months, missed a chunk of high school and chose the family through the Cradle to receive her sacrifice. The Cradle, an amazing adoption agency, guides the birth parents to make the best parenting decision possible for their child. I still believe Katie did that then. And the irony here, Katie and I will be visiting that family in a few weeks and meeting Nora after not seeing her for many, many years. Does God have something in the works here? I believe so.

Raising children has its' rewards and its' heartbreak but I never would have or could have changed a thing. Being a grandparent, the sweet reward.

Meet Lizzy Kahata

I know, I see you...

God shows up in the strangest ways. I saw Him today in blog comments, I heard Him tonight at church. I felt Him when my friend Karen reached over and squeezed my hand when they showed the video from the 30th anniversary with me in it. There I was 25 feet tall carrying my sign that said "Never thought I'd survive the loss of a child" and flipped it over to the other side that read" "God carried me". And He still carries me. Getting in the car to go home I have a Christian radio program on and tonight they specifically talk about God showing up in marriages that seem doomed. They read Jeremiah 32: 17-20 whch starts, "O Sovereign Lord! You have made the heavens and earth by your great power. Nothing is too hard for You!" I know that.

And some good news. Tommy has found a young woman to care for the kids Mondays and Fridays, the two days not yet covered. She is an answer to our specific prayers. Tommy sounds confidant and I am glad for him.

And last, Pete and I get a look at our new World Vision sponsored child. We've always had boys; Eduard Guelby from Haiti was our last one. We now have Lizzy Kahara from Zambia. We have her picture and a little bio on her. How amazing when we see her birthday: March 2. God has given us a small treasure named Lizzy that we can celebrate that day, that day we know will be so hard...

I know, God. You see me.

If only I knew what to do...

Should I pray more? Should I use more logic? Should I scream? Should I just give up? I am burnt out...I cry every day and have for the last month. And it's not about Laurie, at least most of the time. It is over Katie. I feel like I am losing another daughter but this time in slow motion. Oh God, I am so mad at You. How can this be? How can we not reach her? How can You not reach her? What is this?

I am an investigator; I read and read and collect data. I make notes; I underline. I can see patterns. I can see why this has happened to her. I see history. I see heredity patterns. My latest books: "When Someone You Love is Depressed : How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself" and "Understanding Depression" and "New Hope for People with Bipolar Disorder" and "A Brilliant Madness : Living with Manic-Depressive Illness". I listen to others stories. And I pray and pray and ask for prayer. I pray for her, I pray for Tommy, I pray for those innocent, sweet kids, I pray for her psychiatrist, I pray for her counselor, I pray for us not to go over the edge. I pray for every stinking demon to be bound. I pray for God's amazing redemptive power to reclaim her. Are you there, God? Do you hear? It's me, Barb...

In Remembrance...

January 14th last year I was in Houston celebrating my birthday and cheering Greg and Cheryl on in their first Houston Marathon. When I returned home Laurie and Scott gave me a basket filled with the stuff to make a fabulous Italian dinner, dipping sauces, pasta, wine, sauce ingredients. The basket has been tucked in a corner of the family room since then. Tonight with Denver, Maya, Isaiah and Pete we will cook and eat and remember.

I think it is appropriate that we are "carbing up", both to unify with the Texas Boncimino's as they run their marathon tomorrow and to carry on with our emotional marathon back here in IL.

A good friend of Laurie's, Mish, made me a sweet website in honor of Laurie called "In Remembrance". With his permission I am going to link it here. http://imissyoulaur.blogspot.com

Friends...

I am just thinking about the importance of friends in my life, the ones that stand by no matter what. Friends that accept whatever insane thing is going on next. I am lucky to have a few of those.

Friends of friends, friends of Laurie's, friends of ours, friends of Katie and Tommy, compassionate friends, friends you know would do anything they possibly could to help. Friends that love without conditions. Friends that love from afar and you still know they are praying, as you are for them.

What a blessing they are. I had better go get ready for work and count my blessings.

Denver, you rock!

Isaiah, baby boo bear....

I am... I don't know. What am I right now? Katie and I spent the day, from 10 to 4 working together, laughing together and crying together. She was here to help me take down all the Christmas decorations which, if you have ever been here at Christmas, you know is a formidable task. It was a good mopey day to do it; she helped tremendously. Kristin came by and we all actually laughed a few times checking out Kristin's New Years Eve party pics and ours.

We laughed about Denver's obsessive hope to earn more stars to achieve his mini motorcycle. And the hilarious picture of him with his little batman briefcase, his little tie and vest and the glasses with no corrective lens that he wanted so badly. And Maya and Isaiah on the giant stuffed horsey. Got serious talking about depression and bipolar disorder. Got sad talking about the not-too-successful dinner she and Tommy and the kids had last night.
And then at the end, the weirdest thing. We are sitting down at the kitchen table and Katie's phone, in her back pocket, is suddenly, softly speaking. She pulls it out and it is Laurie's voicemail message playing back to us. How did her phone dial "Munch"? No idea. Katie has at least a hundred phone numbers in her phone. How did Laurie's come up and get called? Hearing Laurie's voice, we both start to cry. Ten months and her voice makes us cry again. Finally we dry our tears and Katie comments that Laurie just wanted to let us know that she wished she could help with the Christmas tear down...Now that would be something. I think she only helped with that task maybe twice in 20 years.

And tomorrow, tomorrow little Isaiah is having some out patient surgery that has been planned for months. Not to be indelicate but to ward off curiousity, one testicle is undescended and will be "descended". Katie will be with Denver and Maya for the day and Tommy will be with Isaiah. Denver wants to play Twister at Katie's apartment. They will see where she lives and try to process a little more. I am praying that God will be so present for all of them. I have hope.

That's how I am...hopeful.

Happy Hopeful New Year

More than any other year I am looking forward to a new year, one filled with hope. I still wear that little silver ring someone gave me at Laurie's wake that reads "HOPE" all the way around it. I see it every day, it is on my right hand. I have hope.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

and "I know the plans I have for you, plans for welfare and not for calamity; to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11

and "We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." Romans 5:2-5

Each of these verses I have known and read for years and each popped up in the last two days in the current books I am reading. My assurance? Could it be black Jeep after black Jeep I saw today while driving into work, to the point that I almost did not want to peek at the car coming up next to me? A black Jeep, of course. No, these are only reminders to me of a God that does not let me go. My assurance: too simple. It is faith.