Yahoooo! 

Rafting with the sibs. 

Flying high. 

Climbing in Colorado 

Jet ski girl 

Footloose...

At Grief Support two weeks ago the speaker talked about how people would like to see you work through grief on a nice straight path. She had two people hold up a stretched out tape measure and pointed out that that some expect you to be at Week One feeling this way, Week Seven, getting better, Week Whatever, all better, back to "normal" life. Linear recovery.

The truth about grief, the path is much more like traveling on a giant Slinky. The Slinky, that famous toy of olden days with it's ongoing stretch of coils...up and down and around and around we go. That is how it is for me. And last night, I was on the upswing of that Slinky. Pete and I went out for dinner and saw the musical "Footloose" at the Marriott Theater. We loved it. We felt a little more "normal". In the words of Martha Stewart, that's a good thing.

And right now I want to post a few random pictures of Laurie. I think I'll do that.

Encouragement in Grief...

Just now do I feel ready to write about this past weekend. Just before leaving to go to Jacksonville FL I had my last official counseling appointment. Glenn thinks I am ready to go to an "As Needed" schedule. He said so many wonderful things about how Pete and I are processing and reaching out to others in our grief. I hope that is true. Felt like I should have hummed "Pomp and Circumstance" as I walked out.

Katie and I were driven to O Hare by my wonderful friend of so many years, Diane. She had met Debbie when Debbie was up here ministering to us. Diane said she would be praying and I know she did. Though we had a rented car, Debbie and a little band of her family and friends were at the Jax airport to greet us. Imagine that. In the middle of the toughest time of her life, she is there for us. Debbie had declared "Girlfriend Night" to the rest of her kids and so off 10 of her girlfriends (including her two oldest daughters) gathered at Olive Garden at 9:30 PM for one of the sweetest dinners I have ever been part of. After we each shared how we met/knew Debbie, conversation bounced everywhere and we laughed; we laughed like crazy. In fact when the waitress said what a fun group we were and what were we celebrating, we all looked at each other and not knowing whether to laugh some more or cry, Debbie said " They are here to get me through the funeral of my husband tomorrow." I am sure that waitress is still scratching her head.

Despite a flat tire on our rented car the next day, we got to Church at Argyle in plenty of time. The service honoring Don Dunlap, Debbie's husband of 30 years, father of 10 and counselor to hundreds and hundreds, was beautiful. The kids sang original songs to honor their dad, freinds spoke wonderful eulogies. Then four of Debbie's kids sang "Let My Words Be Few" and Katie and I lost it. And then it was my turn to speak...about a man I have never met but know through the amazing way God linked the Kovacevich-Boncimino-Michel clan (the Laurie people is what they call us) to the Dunlaps. I saw on the programming notes, my part was called "Encouragement in Grief". I hope I did that when I spoke from my heart on our grief journeys.

What I left with and what I am still thinking about is the importance of our friends. The new friends we made there, my long time friends, so many, Diane, Karen, Wendy, Kris, Margie Jackie, Eve, Jeanne, Cindy, Janet, Sandy, Linda, Dee, Elaine, just some of them. My young woman friends from my Student Impact small group and Laurie's small group, Laurie's friends, my two awesome sisters, my nieces...all friends. Heard the songs, "Friends Are Friends Forever" and "I Am a Friend of God" today and that says it for me.

And speaking of friends, please consider supporting my dear sister in Christ, Kris Sumey this weekend as she and her family do a 5 mile fundraising walk for AFSP, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention in Philadelphia. Her team is "Laurie's Legacy" and she is walking in honor of Laur. Thanks, Kris. You are amazing. The Website address is http://www.outofthedarkness.kintera.org/ I love my friends.

Hurricanes, walking canes, candy canes...

All in a jumble and with no rhyme or reason, I think of this weird title. Uppermost in me right now is concern about Greg, Chery and the girls and what they might be in for with Hurricane Rita bearing down. Greg's blog gives quite a picture. It makes me sad to think about all the good Houston has done in helping the evacuees of Katrina and now they may be in for a dose of fury, too. Does not seem fair!

Walking canes, hmmm...don't need one yet, but that could be round the corner. Walking this morning though, I did have a God moment. I was praying about lots of stuff and then drifting thought, "I have not seen a cardinal around here for a while." Just had seen one in Kalamazoo MI, this past weekend, but that didn't count for IL. And AS I thought this, of course, a cardinal flies right in front of me. I shouldn't say, of course. God does not HAVE to show Himself to me, but He does. Every day in so many ways.

Candy canes? No association here, except I don't think I am going to be as wild about Christmas this year as some years past. But I still will celebrate His birth. And last, my thoughts before I leave this keyboard, I am asking for prayers for each of us, Mandy, especially right now and Debbie Dunlap and her family. Friday Katie and I will fly to Jacksonville FL to support this sister in Christ as she and her 10 kids grieve and celebrate the life of Debbie's husband Don at his memorial service. Debbie asked me to share during the service about the grief journey. Pray that my words are words of encouragement and hope. And faith...

Hayden wearing his spiffy new cast... 

On Wednesday, the anniversary of Dad's death, I woke up with the memory of a wonderful dream I had just had. Here is what I wrote to my two sisters that morning in an email:

And this morning, Pete let me sleep in a bit and I ended up having this great dream. Usually I do not remember my dreams and can not really remember one dream with Laurie in it since she died. Well, this dream was back in the Nottingham house which neither of you would remember. Mom and Dad were both in it and Laurie at about 7 or 8 years old. Mom and Dad wanted to give us the '55 maroon and white Chevy. ( The one I always say I wish we still had. It was a classic.) Laurie and I went to the old weird garage and eventually started the car. I could not get the garage door open but opened the little door and windows and had La go have Mom and Dad open the door with their remote. (Of course, they did not have that back in the day.) She runs back and off we drive together. Too sweet.

I continued that day doing something I wanted to do for a long time. I took some of Laurie's ashes and went to many spots meaningful to her and scattered her ashes at each spot. Her dad's old house in Palatine; Starbucks where I meet up with Cheryl, her manager; Willow Creek Church near the pond; Harper College by the little lake; Ron Beece Park where she loved to play Ultimate Frisbee; Deer Grove,where she went to study; the little white church on Algonquin Road where she sometimes went to journal and one time startled a prayer meeting in the basement and asked them to pray for her. All in all, it was a very meaningful time for me.

Later, I talked to my sister JoAnne. Joey talks to me about the dream and asked if I had thought of the deeper meaning in it, which I truly had not. She tells me that there is significance in the fact that Laurie and I were both in a closed garage ( a very typical place for women to commit suicide) but in the dream I open the door and windows and have Laurie leave that place.
To JoAnne, that shows that if I could have, I would have "saved" Laurie. As Jo spoke I just started to cry. Yes, if there had been any way, I would have given anything/ done anything to save her.

So with that interesting subconscious, subliminal message to think about, I open today's emails. My heart is ripped up again. Dear, wonderful Debbie Dunlap, our new Godly counselor friend from Jacksonville, Florida, the very one who flew up here on one day notice to help all of us through a very rocky time just last month, has had tragedy knock at her door. Don, her wonderful, precious counselor husband of 30 years, father of their 10, yes 10, children, died Thursday of a pulmonary embolism. No warning, no time to prepare. Life again has changed on a dime. The trajectory of life is altered forever for someone I love. We are in shock again, we are so sad, again. I can not wait to get down there to hug her. Katie and I will go, Cheryl may join us , too. Our hearts are heavy; Katie said it, it's so hard not to be mad at God right now. I just want to ask Him, "What is the deal with this?" I pounded out two miles around Lake Arlington, wrestling with God. I concluded again the same God I loved seven months ago is the same God now. He has not changed. He is still there. He sees every tear. We are still held in His love.

Honoring my dad at the Cubs game. 

Show 'em some muscle... 

Yippee! It's all tied up! 

Whoa, where'd everybody go? It's only the 11th inning. 

The "kids" at the end of the game, still smiling, though the Cubs lost. 

This must have been taken at least 20 years ago. What's with the hat, Dad? 

The whole family gathered for mom's memorial breakfast. Dad loved this picture. 

One year ago...

A year ago right now we were deeply involved with my dad's decline following emergency surgery 9 days earlier. Nine days in ICU. Dad had no desire to rally and get well. He just wanted to be with Mom, his wife of 56 years, who had passed away just seven weeks before.
We had a really sweet time in those short days he lived with us. Dad and I watched almost all of the Olympics and just about every Cubs game on TV.

One year ago tonight, Laurie went to the hospital after midnight and just sat with her Grandpa. She told me she sang to him, prayed for him and eventually fell asleep holding his hand, her head resting on the safety rail. It was probably two hours later a nurse woke her and she finally left. She had said her good byes to him. I still wish I had that chance with her...

Tomorrow Sept. 14th, we are going to the Cubs game. Pete, Kristin, Drew and I. Ironically, Pete won these four tickets for this date when he bought some raffle tickets at the PADS Gold Outing he DJ'd a few months ago. I think this is very fitting to cheer on the Cubbies in Dad's honor. Go Cubbies! And thanks, God, for giving me the nutty, coffee drinking, bicycle racing, story telling dad you gave me.

Deanna's friend... 

Smiley girls... 

LGYC 

Buddies... 

Too cute... 

Friends...

Never more than now have I realized the utter importance of friends. I am blessed to have many, so was Laurie blessed. One of the sweet things of our lives was that one of my best friends is Diane Heick, known her for over 27 years and one of Laurie's best friends was Deanna Heick, Diane's daughter. ( My son Chris and Diane's son Steve are also in the Best Friends Club. Pete and Fred want to be in this club too.)

Through the years the Heicks have showed my family so much love. The unforgettable trip ( 8 Heicks and 5 Bonciminos) to the Dells as a little pick-us-up; loan of the Vail condo; trail rides; wisdom; laughs; many sorrows; financial help when I needed it. A million things.

Ever since Dee showed me her tattoo a few weeks ago and then said, "Don't tell my parents." I have wanted to write a blog about La's and Dee's friendship. Now that Dee has come out to her folks about the tattoo, I can write this. Laurie and Dee were both born in 1984 a few months apart. They have always been buddies. These pictures clearly show this. As toddlers together in the nursery at Coffee Hour, every year bunking together at Lake Geneva Youth Camp, together through the ups and downs of boys, Student Impact at Willow, theirs was a unique, unconditional love for each other. And now, Dee, in her hilarious love for the unconventional, has chosen to honor Laurie in her own special way. Laurie will always be there with her, literally riding her neck. Pretty sweet, don't you think?

God's glory... 

Answers, solutions, control. I think not.

Answers, solutions, control. That is who I was. That is not who I am now. Tonight I can feel my head throbbing, my eyes are burning, my soul just hurts. And what is so weird that in my small immediate world I had a great yesterday and today. I am so proud of the work Greg and Cheryl and the girls are doing in Houston. Watched the grandkids last night so Katie and Tommy could go out to dinner and take in the Cubs game. Kristin was invaluable in helping me with dinner, a walk with the kids to the "little store" for ice cream and getting them to bed. It was after that, watching Part 2 of Oprah's coverage of the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. ( If you did not see either program, I can only describe them as some of the most moving stuff I have seen.)

And then I thought about the discussions I had yesterday with a business colleague from New Jersey just in Chicago for two days. He was going to be returning to New Jersey early to attend the funeral of his son's friend's mother...who had taken her own life. Dan had not meant for me to know but it is too fresh not to catch the drift in conversation. I just knew it was a suicide. That makes seven suicides I know about since Laurie's death. I am concerned about several of Laurie's close friends who are still struggling with Laurie's death. And then tonight after celebrating Isaiah's second birthday at Chuck E. Cheese, I go to catch up on my emails and blogs.

Urrggg. Greg's blog takes my breath away as I read. I know that pain. I had made myself go though the whole timeline of March 2nd a few days earlier. The good by she and I had. My day, my phone call to Laurie's cell phone at about 5:30 PM to wish her well on her test. Was she alive then? Could she have seen the call was from me and chose not to answer? Was she crying? Was she cold? Was she praying?

And the rest of that night...I had gone to New Community and met Pete for dinner afterwards. The sick feeling when Kristin called at 9:15 to say Laurie had not been at the exam. The frantic phone calls everywhere, the driving around looking for the Jeep, going to the police station, never sleeping that whole night but for fifteen minutes at around 4:45 AM. And then the certainty that things were really wrong when she did not show up for her 5:00 AM shift at Starbucks. Going back to that pain; it's still part of my grieving. Going through it again because I have to. I can't put it away and say I am never going to think about that again. It is a part of us now. For the same reasons I can't really do too much to her room yet. I am not ready to.
My life is filled with many good and wonderful things but it also has some of these gaping wounds that just are what they are....wounds.

I know one thing that pushes in on me is the agony that some of the hurricane survivors are experiencing not knowing where their kids are. I knew that kind of pain for three days and agony is the only word. How can they find each other? What great good fortune will reunite them? I pray the most for those families. God, show your glory...

Katie and her clan... 

Happy Birthday, Katie!

It is a great day, September 7th! It is the birthday of Katie Heather, ate a feather, Boncimino-Michel. Wonderful daughter, mother, wife, cousin, niece, friend, soon-to-be-nurse, sister, sister-in-law, etc. etc. Katie, I am forever elated to be your mom. Your strength, your humor, your intelligence, your faith are awesome. The way you tested me as a mom built character into me. The way you persevere in the toughest of situations inspires. Happy birthday, sweet Katie.

Love, Mom

Double Dose of Sad...

Woke up this morning clearly remembering that it was six months ago today that Laurie and I last said "I love you" to each other. Just that thought hung on my heart and in my mind until I remembered again the agony in the gulf area. A double dose of sad today.

Laurie's death is still bewildering. I had a bad drive home Wednesday night after a great hookie day spent with a bunch of fun women at Arlington Race Track and then out to dinner with them. I thought at dinner we seemed like the ladies in Steel Magnolia, so many different personalities and then it caught me: I was Sally Fields, the character whose beloved daughter dies. For the first time in a while, I did not just cry, I sobbed, I screamed, literally screamed. I slammed my hand on the dashboard. Then I took a deep breath, dried my eyes and spent the rest of the drive home listening to many healing songs, and recognizing, again, how much I adored that girl.

And today, to honor her, Pete and I sent off a pretty hefty contribution to the Salvation Army for the Hurricane Katrina victims. I had remembered how sad Laurie had been about the tsunami last December, worried about the loss of so many innocent lives. I am drawn to the news programs covering the horrific aftermath of this hurricane. There must be more we can do than just send money. I have an idea and I check with Pete and he gives the okay. We are going to list on www.craigslist.com and see if we can get maybe a single mom and child who need a place to stay and get started again. I had never even heard of www.craigslist.com until last Friday and now I have a way to be of practical help using this amazing website. When I checked out the site, thousands of others have offered their homes all over the US. I am praying that there is a way for some agency to coordinate these offers with the people who need somewhere to go.

We get a daily spiritual email from a friend called "Great Day Addendum" and today's reading was about being a neighbor using Luke 10: 36-37. We are instructed do be a neighbor. Not sit back and do nothing, be a neighbor. I have hope for those in so much need. The sadness is ebbing.