On Wednesday, the anniversary of Dad's death, I woke up with the memory of a wonderful dream I had just had. Here is what I wrote to my two sisters that morning in an email:

And this morning, Pete let me sleep in a bit and I ended up having this great dream. Usually I do not remember my dreams and can not really remember one dream with Laurie in it since she died. Well, this dream was back in the Nottingham house which neither of you would remember. Mom and Dad were both in it and Laurie at about 7 or 8 years old. Mom and Dad wanted to give us the '55 maroon and white Chevy. ( The one I always say I wish we still had. It was a classic.) Laurie and I went to the old weird garage and eventually started the car. I could not get the garage door open but opened the little door and windows and had La go have Mom and Dad open the door with their remote. (Of course, they did not have that back in the day.) She runs back and off we drive together. Too sweet.

I continued that day doing something I wanted to do for a long time. I took some of Laurie's ashes and went to many spots meaningful to her and scattered her ashes at each spot. Her dad's old house in Palatine; Starbucks where I meet up with Cheryl, her manager; Willow Creek Church near the pond; Harper College by the little lake; Ron Beece Park where she loved to play Ultimate Frisbee; Deer Grove,where she went to study; the little white church on Algonquin Road where she sometimes went to journal and one time startled a prayer meeting in the basement and asked them to pray for her. All in all, it was a very meaningful time for me.

Later, I talked to my sister JoAnne. Joey talks to me about the dream and asked if I had thought of the deeper meaning in it, which I truly had not. She tells me that there is significance in the fact that Laurie and I were both in a closed garage ( a very typical place for women to commit suicide) but in the dream I open the door and windows and have Laurie leave that place.
To JoAnne, that shows that if I could have, I would have "saved" Laurie. As Jo spoke I just started to cry. Yes, if there had been any way, I would have given anything/ done anything to save her.

So with that interesting subconscious, subliminal message to think about, I open today's emails. My heart is ripped up again. Dear, wonderful Debbie Dunlap, our new Godly counselor friend from Jacksonville, Florida, the very one who flew up here on one day notice to help all of us through a very rocky time just last month, has had tragedy knock at her door. Don, her wonderful, precious counselor husband of 30 years, father of their 10, yes 10, children, died Thursday of a pulmonary embolism. No warning, no time to prepare. Life again has changed on a dime. The trajectory of life is altered forever for someone I love. We are in shock again, we are so sad, again. I can not wait to get down there to hug her. Katie and I will go, Cheryl may join us , too. Our hearts are heavy; Katie said it, it's so hard not to be mad at God right now. I just want to ask Him, "What is the deal with this?" I pounded out two miles around Lake Arlington, wrestling with God. I concluded again the same God I loved seven months ago is the same God now. He has not changed. He is still there. He sees every tear. We are still held in His love.