Answers, solutions, control. I think not.

Answers, solutions, control. That is who I was. That is not who I am now. Tonight I can feel my head throbbing, my eyes are burning, my soul just hurts. And what is so weird that in my small immediate world I had a great yesterday and today. I am so proud of the work Greg and Cheryl and the girls are doing in Houston. Watched the grandkids last night so Katie and Tommy could go out to dinner and take in the Cubs game. Kristin was invaluable in helping me with dinner, a walk with the kids to the "little store" for ice cream and getting them to bed. It was after that, watching Part 2 of Oprah's coverage of the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. ( If you did not see either program, I can only describe them as some of the most moving stuff I have seen.)

And then I thought about the discussions I had yesterday with a business colleague from New Jersey just in Chicago for two days. He was going to be returning to New Jersey early to attend the funeral of his son's friend's mother...who had taken her own life. Dan had not meant for me to know but it is too fresh not to catch the drift in conversation. I just knew it was a suicide. That makes seven suicides I know about since Laurie's death. I am concerned about several of Laurie's close friends who are still struggling with Laurie's death. And then tonight after celebrating Isaiah's second birthday at Chuck E. Cheese, I go to catch up on my emails and blogs.

Urrggg. Greg's blog takes my breath away as I read. I know that pain. I had made myself go though the whole timeline of March 2nd a few days earlier. The good by she and I had. My day, my phone call to Laurie's cell phone at about 5:30 PM to wish her well on her test. Was she alive then? Could she have seen the call was from me and chose not to answer? Was she crying? Was she cold? Was she praying?

And the rest of that night...I had gone to New Community and met Pete for dinner afterwards. The sick feeling when Kristin called at 9:15 to say Laurie had not been at the exam. The frantic phone calls everywhere, the driving around looking for the Jeep, going to the police station, never sleeping that whole night but for fifteen minutes at around 4:45 AM. And then the certainty that things were really wrong when she did not show up for her 5:00 AM shift at Starbucks. Going back to that pain; it's still part of my grieving. Going through it again because I have to. I can't put it away and say I am never going to think about that again. It is a part of us now. For the same reasons I can't really do too much to her room yet. I am not ready to.
My life is filled with many good and wonderful things but it also has some of these gaping wounds that just are what they are....wounds.

I know one thing that pushes in on me is the agony that some of the hurricane survivors are experiencing not knowing where their kids are. I knew that kind of pain for three days and agony is the only word. How can they find each other? What great good fortune will reunite them? I pray the most for those families. God, show your glory...