Reece thinking, "I've got that Grandma Barb wrapped around my little finger!" 

Dancing with the Angels...

I love, I need, I covet days like this once in a while!

Today I spent the morning and early afternoon baby sitting for not quite 2 month old grandson, Reece. He and I went for a two mile walk. He smiled, I took pictures. We spent a lot of time in the back yard; I weeded, he slept. He ate, he slept some more; I gave myself a pedicure. I read; he slept some more. What a great baby!

The book I am reading is wonderful. It's by Elizabeth Berg, an author my mom loved. It's called The Year of Pleasures and it is the journey a middle aged woman is on following the death of her husband and it is so sweet. Not a downer, just sweet. (Thank you, Joey, for the book.)

Katie and not-feeling good Denver came over for a short visit. It was good to catch up with Katie and make plans for the upcoming week. Got a voicemail from Eve to confirm our dinner tomorrow. Yippee for that. And then some errands and home in time to see the most glorious sunset!

Since Pete and I went to church last night and Pete worked all day today, I had plenty of time to reflect, rest, enjoy one of the last days of summer. The most pleasant and timely capper to the day just came, in the form of an email from one of Laurie's small group girls, Jammie, who is now back in college in Florida. Jammie forwarded me a song called Dancing with the Angels by Monk and Neagle. She had just heard it the night before at a concert she attended and said she had been playing it all day. It is so moving, so the story of us, of Laurie and where she is, dancing with angels. I am thankful for a day of pleasures.

Just because...

A beautiful email sent to me from Laurie's friend Amanda today. Dinner with my old Belmar Lane neighbors tonight. Filling out financial aid forms for Kristin. Encouragement. Sympathy. Nostalgia. Frustration.

I just want to look at pictures of Laurie tonight and I do. We have so many but not enough. Not enough. I want more. I want to see again every second of her life. I want thousands of DVDs, videos, old 8 mm movies. I want to capture all of it and not forget a single moment.

And the pictures posted here. All random. All pretty recent. All beautiful. All smiling. How can it be that she is not here?

Jan. 2005 Bridesmaid Laurie... 

I love this one. Laurie and her friend, Josiah. 

Both so cute... 

Storytime on Thanksgiving 2004 

La at the cafe in Queraterro Mexico 

College girl last year. 

Jake, Kristin, Randi and La at rehearsal dinner in CA. Jan. 2005 

Harper's Wedding Showeer November 2004 

Four generations taking a play day. 

Yummmm..... 

Whose feet are these, anyway? 

Two princesses, Kristin and Maya 

Wheeee.... 

Maya meets a new "friend" 

New Insights...

While most of the time I feel like I am moving forward in this healing process, it doesn't take much to send me reeling again.

Started up Thursday night, getting a 10:30 PM call from Katie that the kids had really pulled one by splaying toothpast every where upstairs ( see Katie's blog linked here.) And the only reason I am writing this is because Katie has put it out there. She and I talked and I felt she was more under control. We had a friend and his daughter staying overnight so my making the 40 minute drive to her house late at night seemed unwise. My anxiety attack began the next morning when I could not reach Katie or Tommy on their cell phones for several hours. And worse, Katie had changed her voicemail message to an old one she used to have that Laurie had copied. The same message on Laurie's cell now. I realized I was freaking about her/their safety. I had an appointment scheduled with my counselor at noon and by 10:30 AM I realized I could not make it to their house and back in time. All this time I kept telling myself it was all fine. Then I would switch back to a "what if Katie lost it last night, unable to cope with the stresses?" I know the levels in her life are enormous and she teeters. Katie's stress and mental state are apparent. Laurie's were hidden. In almost panic attack mode ( or Satan attack mode?) I called Kristin who now lives only about 10 mintues away what she was doing and could she go over to Katie and Tommy's house and check up on them. I even gave her the code for their front door. Poor Kristin. She and her roommate Liz headed over there and eventually I got the call that everyone was okay. Tommy called me back and apologized for the non return of my many calls. ( I am sadly becoming the overbearing mother-in-law) All this because I am now so over the top with concern and fear for the remainder of my family. Not fun. Not healthy. Not Godly. Just what I really feel. FEAR. Never, ever do I want to lose another child of mine, I don't want to lose anyone, in fact. I am sick of loss.

So perfect, however, is God's timing for my counseling appointment, I could walk in there in the midst of the recession of panic and just breath again. And I literally did that, several cleansing breaths in front of Glenn, my counselor and then poured out the progress (?) I had made this month. Oy.

And today, a great day....Katie and all the kids, Kristin, Pete's mom and dad, and Pete and I spent hours roaming around King Richard's Faire. We had a blast with four generations eating all kinds of Medieval food, the kids riding on old fashioned rides, henna tattoos for Katie and Kristin, just a good day. Now I am going out to push the kids on the swings. That is good.

Here is our amazing team of volunteers at Journey Community Church. Wow! 

Outdoor registration, how California... 

Steve, worship leader, and his son. 

Kirk, head ushe,r helping a guest.

Pete's Resource center. 

Rod Kaya, one of Journey's pastors. Funny guy, huh? 

Alex and Sheri getting ready for our 330 pastors at Journey church... 

A wedding today...

Back home from San Diego, arriving in at 1:30AM and off to Brian Princer and Carissa's wedding this afternoon. A tropical theme, a chance to wear my oversized hibiscus earrings, a sweet bride and groom. I got there late, just in time to hear Steve Gillen declare them husband and wife. Steel drums, flowers everywhere...

And now the long ride home due to an accident far ahead. I am crying and crying because there won't be a Laurie and Scott or Laurie and anybody wedding. She would have been so radiant, so beautiful. Taking each word of the wedding vows to heart and searing them there.

I had a little vacation from grief and it was good. Now back to this churning, ever present grief. I am reading A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis, so powerful. Just finished another, A Grace Disguised by Gerald Stitser. Last week read another, No One Saw Their Pain. I force myself to keep seeing God's grace and love and it is right there.

Alive in San Diego...

Friday night and Pete and I get a chance to take a breath from the exhilaration of the Willow Leadership Summit. We have been in La Mesa, CA at Journey Community Church, Greg and Cheryl's old church. We have loved it here. The volunteers are wonderful, the guests are loving every minute of the conference and we are, again, in process. Some here know our story, many do not. Each time we have exposed a little of ourselves, I am amazed at the stories that come from that.

The conference speakers have included Bill Hybels, of course, Rick Warren (Purpose Driven Life), John Maxwell, Henry Cloud, Mona Saso (who I met in South Africa), Colleen Barrett (Pres. of Southwest Airlines) and more. Aaron Niequist did some of the music for the conference and that reminded me of his "Let My Words Be Few" at Laurie's funeral service. Could you ask for any more excellent teaching? Probably not. But what has moved me the most in the last three days? A little book we just bought today. "Nice Girls Don't Change the World" by Lynne Hybels.

I asked Pete to get us two copies, one for Katie and another for Kristin. Between packing for our return home, writing thank you notes, wrapping some gifts, I started reading...oh,man, Lynne is on to something. Listen to this, "I've been working so hard to keep everybody else happy, but I'm so miserable I want to die." Ouch, I thought of Laurie, the amazing people pleaser; I thought of Katie, trying to discover who she is; I thought of Kristin being the nice girl; I thought of me, wanting everyone to be alright.

Here's the amazing thing: the opposite of being the "nice girl" the people pleaser, has nothing to do with being mean or bad, instead, it is being a "good woman". Here is what Lynne writes:
"A good woman: The opposite of a nice girl, I learned is a "good woman." Being a good woman means trading the safe, passive, people-pleasing behavior of niceness for the dynamic power of true goodness. It means moving from the weakness and immaturity of girlhood toward the strength and maturity of womanhood." I am not able to do justice to the wisdom in this slim volume except to know I needed to read it and many other women need to read it. I want to be a good woman, with only one goal: to discern and live out the will of God.

Cell phone mysteries....

Last night I went to sleep at a reasonable time since we are leaving for San Diego for the Willow Leadership Summit today. At midnight nicely fitting into my dream, I hear the soft tones of a cell phone, my cell phone. Huh? I never have my purse upstairs in our room...except I did last night because of packing. Turning on the light, scrambling through my purse, I find it. A call from son Chris' cell.

"Hi, what's up?" "Were you asleep?" "Well, yes, but that's okay. What's up?" Chris goes on to explain, (well actually, vent, he said.) that he will be doing the "Remembering Laurie" seminar on his own. The wonderful friend and professional who was going to be there, too, had to bail due to a family emergency. Now Chris wants to gather some thoughts from my fuzzy brain. What I really love is that he is totally ready to tackle this and has plenty of his own great ideas. I mostly agree with everything he says, tell him he is right on and that I will be praying for him. "Good night, honey" "Good night, Mom, I love you."

And this morning while walking, I am praying for Teen Camp and Chris (10 minutes, 10 days) and I hear it, the bird song I now recognize different from other bird songs. There he is, a beautiful cardinal. My little sign that God hears my prayers. I smile...

LGYC Teen Camp 2005

Opening day at Teen Camp today was filled with all the normal anticpation for anxious campers and staff. A record camp of 230 campers; Jeanne and Jarrett Stevens are the speakers. Hundreds of hours have already been put into the planning. Son Christopher sent out an email asking that all of us not actually at camp this week commit to 10 minutes of prayer each day for God to be at work at Teen Camp. I signed up.

I went up there today to drop off stuff for the "Laurie" seminar for those who would like help processing her death. Just gathering the momentos, a shirt, a pair of flip-flops. a Hawaiian lei, sunglasses and a picture board and the artwork Heidi created was painful. Also included were handmade journals, Kristin designed, I printed, Brooke sewed and Cheryl and Ashley assembled. The brainchild of my sister JoAnne, these journals are meant for pairs of campers, staff to share their thoughts and have that one person who can read into their words and hopefully, if needed, hear a cry for help. After I dropped off the box in the program directors room, I roamed around camp, saying hi to various friends, remembering so many years there.

From the days with Denny when Greg and Chris were campers in Boys Camp and Denny counseled and I was handcraft lady to the days I went up to camp when Laurie was an infant so I could have a "vacation" with the kids to the years Pete and I were up there when the girls were little to 1999 to 2002when I went up as cook for Teen Camp. Laurie was everywhere, camper, team captain, Force member, seminar speaker... Dee Heick made it all real when she and I hugged and she said, "It's all wrong that Laurie's not here."

I have always thought some of Laurie's ashes should be scattered at LGYC and now they are. By myself, little handfuls here and there, she is now a part of LGYC, a place she described in her journals as " a really safe and comfortable place where I learned a ton about God and I was surrounded by solid and growing Christians..."

I love that place. I am glad I went. I am praying that once again God would shower LGYC with blessings.

LGYC Lake Geneva Youth Camp....so many memories. 

These journals were created for the "Laurie" Seminar at camp this week. 

Today Chris and I had a brief moment before the start of Teen Camp 2005