Some of the old, some new...

Dream, Laugh...

The Jesus action figure stands guard...

Gerber daisys and the note...

What's in a room...

One of the things that comes up sometimes in Grief Support is what to do with "their" stuff. Do you keep everything? Can you bear to go into their bedroom? Am I hanging on to too much? Am I creating a "shrine"?

Laurie's bedroom was upstairs, next to Pete's and my room. Because the Michel grandkids, Denver, Maya and Isaiah, are here on the weekends, we have begun to change her room into their room. I have cleared some dresser drawers for their clothes, mostly compacting Laurie's copious notes saved since seventh grade and her stationary stuff used to write notes of encouragement. I still have several of her tee shirts, thinking someday I will make a quilt from them. I love those old dressers that actually belonged to my mom and dad when they first married. That would make those dressers 58 years old. That's vintage though updated with the cool square pulls Laurie and I picked out to replace the old ones.

The pictures show new bunk beds, a kids table filled with toys. If you look close you can see a book Katie found at a library book sale titled "June 7". That was Laurie's birthday, coming too soon. Unchanged are her books on the shelves behind and her stack of journals. I just can't pack them away. And the LOVE, LAUGH, and DREAM signs are new. Bought for a mere $.50 each. I hope those who enter there will remember to do those things. Then there is her dresser filled with framed photos... I sometimes come in there late at night, looking into each one, seeing nothing but joy and laughter in her eyes.

And the mirror over her dresser...I remember she wanted that exact mirror so much. And still stuck to it is a note Kristin wrote her, probably not too long before Laurie went missing. It reads:

"Good morning, my beautiful sister.
I love you.
Have a great day...
I'll see you tonight.
(Heart) Kristin"

The note stays.

SOS Part 3 Sort of Shingly

Aah, Memorial Day weekend. Some of it has been great and relaxing. Barbecues with family and friends, a trip to Six Flags Great America on drizzly Saturday with the Michel kids. A great service at Willow Creek on Sunday where every person there got a kazoo and was encouraged to have fun. And yes, there still was a spiritual message, just lighter than usual.

Less fun parts included visits to Northwest Community Hospital where Pete's mom has been since Thursday. She is much improved but now is officially diabetic and will require insulin injections and on top of that, she has shingles! I feel guilty even though I know they are not contagious. Hers are on her abdomen and, fortunately, she has no pain from them. I wish I could say the same for mine. Tomorrow will be one month since this started for me and I am truly sick of the pain in my head and figuring out how to manage it. Friday night was probably the stupidest and most pathetic when I was prescribed a topical salve to deal with the pain on my forehead. The stuff burned like BenGay times 10. I scrambled around wiping it off and putting an icebag on the afflicted area, all while talking to my friend on the phone. Yuck!

And then two different discussions about bipolar disorder this weekend; Katie present at both. One was authentic and thoughtful and compassionate. The other was riddled with thoughtless comments, probably the worst being a reference to sending them all to an island. I am hoping it was meant to be funny, but it only showed the lack of knowledge regarding such a serious subject. Mental illness in any form is no less serious than any other disease. Can you read my frustration? I think what really bothers me is that it feels like a slam at me although I know I am doing exactly what I am being called to do in supporting Katie and all her kids the best I can, while hopefully still being fully available for the rest of this family.

And one more thing. In a phone conversation with a friend I don't talk to much, she asked how Tommy is doing, that I don't write about him anymore. Tommy, bless his heart, is doing pretty well. He has ups and downs in dealing with his new reality of being a divorced single dad. Today he got a day off and took the time to take Denver, Maya and Isaiah to Arlington Race Track. Good times.

Downtime at the pool. Viva Las Vegas!

Two weeks ago...the shingly eye. Yuck!

My new hairdo and improved eye...

A classic beauty...Maya

Maya's all smiley cuz she's six now!

Maya's beautiful braid

Home again, home again...

When my sister Gail was little "home again, home again" was the phrase she used when we were going home from a visit to Grandma's. It stuck as a family saying and it applies right now. In a few hours Pete and I will be flying home from Las Vegas after five days here.

Our time here has been really good for me. The meetings were tolerable, I got to meet some old friends here, the shopping was a blast and just relaxing with Pete has been great. Yesterday was a totally free day and we visited Mandalay Bay for lunch, had dinner at Paris (the hotel, of course) with coworkers and saw The Producers last night. Whee. The trip started a little bumpy, flight wise, and a little damp when our bottle of water opened in my carry on bag and soaked some of my papers, magazines and me!

Not to worry though. Monday night after settling in our room, ( No penthouse room this time.) we went down to the casino. My gambling rule is to lose no more than $20 per day and that is exactly what I have done for years. But not Monday night! Saying good by to my $20 dollar bill as it slid into the Triple Diamond $.25 slot machine, I casually started hitting the buttons, sometimes $.25, sometimes $.50 and very occasionally $.75, Pete standing by rolling his eyes. ( He rarely gambles here) On a $.75 bet the third line shows all Triple Diamonds! We have no idea what this means but the tally kept rolling and rolling and ended with $600! Well yippee! The rest of this week yielded no more exciting wins, so I am going home with an extra $500. I have a good idea how I am going to use it but it is a secret for now.

The only down side has been my miserable shingles. The pains that shoot through my head when the vicadin wears off or I am trying to go longer between doses are horrific. My eye is much better but ouch, ouch to the head pain. Last night I had a dream that a plank whacked me in the head and I woke up with my head throbbing. Time for a pill...Thanks for praying for me. I know this is just a season. The internet has assured me this is so.

So home again, home again. I can't wait.

What a cool mom I was blessed with!

A good day...

Though Mother's Day has memory landmines, it was a good day today. Saturday two beautiful flower arranagements arrived, one of the Malaysian Bonciminos and one from sweet friends, Shelly and Jackie. Awesome.

Magically, this morning all the kids slept in til 7:30 giving Pete plenty of time to cook a fabulous breakfast for Katie and me. Katie and the kids got me a brand new bike for Mother's Day. I have been bikeless since mine was stolen during the time Katie was living in Chicago and had been using mine. So now I have a bright shiny new blue bike. Yippee!

Once we arrived at church, I ran into a new member of my small group at Grief Support. This dear mom just lost her son three weeks ago. We just hugged for a long time and I whispered 'Happy Mother's Day" into her ear; it was that knowing her pain today and being able to connect that I recognized a special God appointment at just the right time.

And at the main service we had a neat surprise. Weeks ago I received an email that Willow was looking for "Mom/Grandma" pics. I forwarded maybe six different photos and then forgot about it. In a church of 20000 attenders, I doubted any of mine would be used. Not so...not just one but four of them showed up on the giant screen during a photo montage accompanying a song. I think the twins were really the hook. The neatest of all and shown right at the end was the one of my mom on a mini motorcycle taken just weeks before she died. I think all of our family got teary seeing that.

The rest of the day included a family barbecue with Pete's side of the family and nieces and nephew, Phil. Lots of laughs, good food and more family. A phone call from Greg who is currently in the Middle East, all totaled made for a sweet day. And now, we are packing for tomorrow's trip to Las Vegas, my annual business conference. Shingles, not withstanding, we intend to have a relaxing getaway. Perfect timing...

Hey, mom, quite a group, huh?

Handsome Reece joins the clan in 2005.

Newest additions, Kylie and Rylan.

Happy Mother's Day

I really love this day because I have always loved being a mom...and now a grandma. I kid about the stress and the aggravation and I am sad about losing a beautiful daughter but there is something so inordinately profound about being a mother. It is a part of my life that is so intrinsically a part of me. I am thankful for every day I get to be involved in the lives of all these awesome Boncimino, Michel, Free kids. What a privilege!

And with that I am thankful for my mom. She was so unique and so funny. Though these last several years have had more than a normal amount of tragedy and chaos, I feel my mom's presence urging me to hold on, keep at it. Thanks, mom.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms. And consider yourself hugged if being a mom is your heart's desire and it has not happened yet. I cannot imagine that heartache. And those who like me, are missing their own moms, capture one wonderful memory right now and smile. She would like that.

SOS Part 2 Shingles Override Soo much

This is one ridiculous illness. Monday through Friday is still a blur of pain. Yesterday back at the eye doc's I was prescribed a steroid that seems to be helping a lot more than anything else so far. This morning I could actually look out of my left eye without wincing. The rash itself is on my scalp, down the left side of my forehead (nicely covered by bangs) over my left ear. The incapacitating pain in my eye has lessened, now I just get these migraine-like flashes that last about 10 seconds and fade away.

I must be getting better because I went out today to shop. I was sure Kohl's was going to send a Get Well card since I had not been there for so long! This morning I had Maya take a picture of me sans makeup. Right now I don't have the nerve to post it. Think I'll leave that to when I can post a before and after pic. (And that will be awhile since almost all of my eye lashes have fallen out on my left eyelids.) Thanks for all your prayers and emails and I apologize if you called and I did not answer. I have been in Shingles Hades looking for the way out.

PS This was a bad way for Pete and I to celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary and Cinco de Maya. Tonight he is off DJing a wedding and I will be long asleep by the time he gets home. Tomorrow is a brand new day; we're gonna call for a do-over day.

PPS One more thing. Now I can never have that Major league baseball career I dreamed of since I am a steroid user. Bummer.

SOS - Sick of shingles!

This is really a blog prayer request. Sunday night I went to the emergency room, experiencing pretty awful eye pain. The none-too-interested doctor said I had conjunctivitis (pink eye) and gave a prescription and orders to see an opthamologist in 2 to 4 days in order to start wearing my contacts again. I've had pink eye before; this felt NOTHING like that. Monday I tried toughing it out. By Tuesday I begged the opthamologist for an appointment asap.

New doc, a cool guy, says "Wow, you have SLK. Superior Limbus Keratoconjunctivitis." My most favorite part was the numbing drops he put in my eye. Relief for the first time in 24 hours. New scrip to get filled and I am walking on air at Osco. Until...the numbing meds wear off and I am hurting again! A lot! Imagine the most grit you ever ever had in your eye and you cannot get it out. But I am hopeful that the new drops are going to do the trick. Katie and I look up all kinds of stuff on the internet and I am now concerned because thyroid is often part of the mix in SLK and both my mom and Katie have had problems with their thyroid.

Not a good night last night. Pete has been a dear through all this wishing he could do something to help. At the office this morning I am unable to concentrate for even a few minutes without trying a cold compress, a warm compress, prayers, saline drops. Another call to the eye doc that I am still having a lot of pain. And something new. I now have an eruption of little bumps on my forehead near the hairline that are tender, in fact a lot of my head is sore. What is going on? Back at good ole Dr. Wood's and the blessed numbing drops bring relief. I want to steal the bottle!

He looks deep into my eye and says he sees no improvement, looks worse. Then I tell him about the bumps on my head. Eureka! I have shingles...of the eye and head. The doctor asks if I have much stress in my life. HA! Shingles sometimes emerges with stress. Well, whoop de stinkin doo. So now I am on some oral meds, still have drops, still have pain but I am firm in the knowledge that this will not last forever. At least I hope not. Isn't there a part in the Bible where the apostle Paul talks about his thorn, some undisclosed ailment and how he can bear all things in Him? Praying for that...

Also coveting your prayers (and any shingles stories) that this passes soon; I have too much stuff going on. And as a sidebar, shingles (herpes zoster, yes, I have herpes, just not THAT kind of herpes.) makes me contagious to others who have not had chickenpox. Since the twins are only five months old and not yet innoculated for chickenpox, I am not supposed to come into contact with them for a week. This should be interesting!