Argillaceous...

So much introspection to muddle through lately...again. A friend wrote in an email to me not long ago, "Our hearts would do so much better if roller coasters were confined to amusement parks!" I whole heartedly agree. But on it goes, chug, chug, chug, uphill and then, wheeee! A little respite, a little diversion. I think the new trampoline Chris and Christa got for the boys created just the right diversion last Sunday following Reece's baby dedication. The family gathered to honor Reece, enjoy a yummy brunch and bounce around like crazy. I even tried my semi-famous seat drop to the amusement of all the grandkids. (Glad I don't have any photos of that!)

Monday, Memorial Day, was so mellow. Spent the day with Katie and the kids in Berwyn while Tommy worked. We did little house projects, had a barbecue. I thought about how I missed the big deal we used to make about the Indy 500 as a family, $.50 a car and the traveling trophy awarded after a big barbecue feast of chicken. And mostly thinking about mom who's birthday would have been yesterday. Thought about the different soldiers I have known, the old ones, the middle aged ones, the young guys I have known from Impact who have or are serving right now. Aw, jeepers. And then recounted to Katie the whole theme of "Pay It Forward" that I watched in it's entirety the night before until 2:00 AM. I got choked up when I spoke of the death of the little boy at the end and the outpouring of love shown by all his friends who showed up for the mom. Too close somehow to how I was feeling, remembering.

Katie is struggling with depression right now and that, in turn, makes me want to do something, anything, sort of like Shirley MacLaine in "Terms Of Endearment" when she screams at the floor nurse, "My daughter is in pain! Give her her medicine, now!" But I don't know who to scream at... And a good thing, I think. Katie has started up a new blog a little while back. The entries she has posted except for one, are from her original blog. She is trying to see where she can find evidences of bipolar in her writings after Laurie's death. The title of her blog is "Argillaceous" which means made of clay...pretty good title. Made of clay, able to be molded by Him. And lastly the amazing 43 comments of encouragement left on my blog from last week to Katie. They have brought tears to our eyes, still amazed. Thanks, again, for that...

Normal hair, curly hair, spiked hair, no hair...the Michel clan is ready to party... 

Grandma and Maya got to play beauty shop to get ready for Aunt Julie and Uncle David's post wedding party, 

Little Reece Boncimino was dedicated to the Lord this past Sunday at Willow Creek. What an awesome sight to see his smiley little face up on the giant side screens... 

Beautiful Shelly, praying for you today... 

It's a good thing I love to drive...I rack up an amazing number of miles every week. Saturday was a great example. I had a chance to have breakfast with my sweet friend Shelly who was home from Colorado for her sister's graduation. From our meeting at Cracker Barrel in Kenosha, WI I returned to Buffalo Grove and then on to Berwyn to pick up Denver, Maya and Isaiah and Katie, then off to Elgin, twice, to pick up Katie's belongings, stored there. Back to Buffalo Grove, then to Rosemont to drop Katie at the train station, then back to Buffalo Grove. Probably a 200 mile day.

Would I have changed any of it? No, each piece was an important trip. Sharing with Shelly the hard week she faces. Today is the 1st anniversary of her mom's death. Traveling with Katie as she begins small steps to take back her life. Listening to the kids in the back seat watching "Chronicles of Narnia" (or Barnacles of Narnia as Isaiah calls it.) on the little portable DVD player. Acknowledging my own irritation at having to go to Elgin twice, all part of the journey...

And yesterday, driving some more. This time driving Katie to her counseling appointment with Denver and Isaiah in tow. Chicago to Berwyn to Schaumburg. The boys and I enjoying a cool McDonald's Playland while we waited. Then Schaumburg back to Berwyn when what to our wondering eyes should appear but a rainbow in the eastern sky! Katie and I look at each other remembering last week when we pulled into the counselor's parking lot we saw another rainbow! I am choosing to believe God is reminding us that He is with us. We are on the journey and He is with us. And proof that we are not doing this alone, Katie holds a copy of all the comments left for her on this blog. This is big, He is bigger!

Heartfelt thanks...

What a response! Katie is reading every one. You are showing God's grace in huge ways. Thank you.

Flawed? Aren't we all?

I went walking around Lake Arlington Friday morning, a 2 mile walking path. With my visor pulled low and sunglasses on, I wanted to hide out and think and pray, especially about the counseling meeting Katie and I had on Wednesday. About 1/2 mile in, I see a couple I recognize as they get closer, Leah and her Japanese husband. Leah is the facilitator from the one bipolar support group Katie and I went to. They don't recognize me and that's cool because I really don't want to engage in small talk. What I hear her say as they pass me is "I don't know why I act that way..." I want to turn and say, well, you have bipolar disorder. What are the odds that I would see them today?

At the 1 1/2 mile mark two little kids on two wheel bikes pass me, squealing that they want to get far ahead of their moms. Then the moms speed walk past me, one saying, "I have this morbid fear of drowning..." Ah, gee, moms, run after them, hug them. You never know what's ahead.

And that gets me back to Katie. On Mother's Day and again at the counselor's, Katie says if she had known what lay ahead in the period from December to now, she never would have left. She is seeing the magnitude of her choices, she is wanting to rebuild but where to start? The fears of being labeled that mom who left her kids almost paralyzes. Can a marriage be reborn? She says she feels so flawed. Emily, the counselor, wisely says, we are all flawed, that's where grace comes in. I know it to be true. And there is the truth I had asked to be able to discern. That God's healing can be applied over all is truth. I know that many voices call out, silent and sometimes not silent judgements are cast about. In Katie's case there are three things that happened to her that she had no control over: She has bipolar disorder, her dad moved out when she was five years old, her sister died by suicide. Until someone can say they have had those exact same conditions in their life, I cannot compare her to anyone else . Her choices are another matter and there are consequences, grave ones, but can He step in there, too, to heal? I know that answer: Of course. I love the solid lives my sons and their wives have, I love Kristin's enormous strength of character. Do I love Katie less than them because so much has been screwed up? Do I love Laurie less because she made an irrevocable decision to end her life? I do not. I love them all. I am blessed by each of them.

What I thought about later is this blog. For whatever reason between 200 and 300 hits to this website occur every day and have for quite a while. So not counting my sister Gail checking 5 times a day, that is a lot of readership. Would it not be a great thing to have even 20 of those readers leave a message of encouragement to Katie here in a comment? That would be a blessing to use words to affirm, to build up, to agree that life is tough but together somehow we can press on.

One more note that I cannot get out of my mind. As Katie and I pulled into the counselor's parking lot Wednesday night after the storms, a rainbow appeared directly in front of us. Isn't the rainbow a sign of God's promises to us?

What a beauty... 

Happy Birthday, Maya...

To the sweetest little 5 year old in the world. Happy birthday, Maya. I love you gwadzillions...

Greek food, Thai food, Food for thought...

Last Friday night the restaurant Pete and I thought we were going to turned out to be closed. Across the road was a Greek restaurant and we decided to give it a try. We loved it! Sagnaki (flaming cheese! I love cheese.) new foods, new flavors. Good evening.

Tonight, 0ne of our few that neither Pete or I had a commitment, we went to a Thai restaurant. ( How 'bout that, Kristin? Your dad eating Thai food.) Again, delicious food, good conversation, sweet evening with a beautiful view of an amazing sunset.

And food for thought: I am often surprised by the blog world. I have received many emails and sometimes, comments on the blogs, from people I have never met. I have made some terrific friends through the blog, really come to love and cherish these dear ones. I have been encouraged beyond measure and others tell me they have received encouragement and hope from me. That is so how God works, supporting each other as an expression of Him. And again, I have a need for prayer from those who read here. Tomorrow night at 7:00 PM Katie and I have an appointment with her counselor, one I have never met but have wanted to for a long time. I need discernment, wisdom and words that express truth and truth only. I do not want to be afraid; I do not want to be influenced by anything but what God wants. Pray us up, would you? I am grateful...

Faith... 

Hope... 

Love... 

Faith, Hope, Love, but the greatest of these is love...

I know I have been getting more and more depressed and depression is not something I am prone to. I can feel the darkness start to envelope me. Self talk doesn't do it. What is going on? I am trying to "fix" stuff that I have no control over. I am in God's waiting room and I want to hear my name called...

Mother's Day is approaching and I miss my mom. I miss my sister, Lin. I miss my Laurie. I hear from both my sisters, Gail and JoAnne, and we are all having a harder time this year missing Mom than last year. The saga surrounding the Michel family, especially Katie, has whipped me. My heart is just not where it should be. God, call my name...

And He does, again. I get that Mother's Day ecard reminding me of 1Corinthians 13:13 . "There are three things that will endure--faith, hope and love--and the greatest of these is love." Today I have a renewed sense of faith. I know He sees this and He has the answers, not me. And hope. Putting together Hope boxes with Denver and Maya yesterday to be sent to kids in Africa, Denver says, "Grandma, can we go to Africa so I can give this to a boy in Africa who doesn't have a mom or dad?" I see in Denver that he, even in his own pain, wants to give hope to someone else.

And love...while our house is filling with family to celebrate Mother's Day, I have to go into the laundry room for something. I glance up to the shelf and there sits Laurie's gift to me from years ago...a yellow wooden tulip where she has lettered on the bottom "#1 Mom I love you. La"
Yes, the greatest of these IS love. God called me into the exam room. I am loved. The darkness is lifting.

The Hands of Christ....taping a wall, 

Servants... 

A mighty warrior... 

Deck completed 

Before... 

Oh, wow... 

God, Pour down on us...

I have cried again and again tonight...tears of joy and tears of great sadness.

The joy: Chris and Aunt JoAnne assembled a team of 15 faithful warriors who spent hours and dollars and invested in Tommy's house all day last Saturday. They repaired, they painted, they tore out, they raked, they deep cleaned, they organized, they sweated, they sawed, they put in new electrical lines, they saw a huge need and they fulfilled it. I saw it tonight... it was amazing. They gave Tommy hope. They showed three little kids that there are people who love them and want to show them Christ's love in real ways... something I experienced over 20 years ago when our small group and many others showed up at 921 Belmar and poured out to us.

The sadness: Denver wrote a note on the new little doodle pad we brought him from Las Vegas.
" My thoughts are ruined and my heart is ruined and everything else..." in 6 year old spelling. Does a six year old need to feel pain like this? God, can You step in here and show him your power? Show each of them, that no matter what, You are there for them . God, You know the story; You know the pain, pour down on us.

I am just one broken woman, missing her daughters, Lord. Thank you for the blessings you pour down on us. And I thank you for the power of the Holy Spirit in me, in them, in each of us. May it always be so...

Happy Birthday, Greg!!!

I love you, Mom

Yippee for all night Wal Mart. 

Not only beautiful but intelligent, too! 

What's with this robe? 

Mr. MBA and fan club 

Oh, yum... 

Hey, we all match! 

See you, grandma in Kuala Lumpur.. 

Home Sweet Home

My action packed week is over and I am happily back home. Greg's graduation ceremony and hanging out with the Texan (soon to be Malayasian) Boncimino's was an incredible blast. From the minute they picked me up at the Dallas Fort Worth Airport, I knew we were in for fun and frenzy. We got lost going to the hotel, Cheryl forgot her dress so we made an emergency stop at the late night Wal Mart (Cheryl looked so cute in her quick pick outfit!) and still got to University of Texas ceremonies at 8:00 AM Saturday with time to spare.

Ashley and Brooke are so beautiful and mature and fun. They tolerated wearing the matching Hawaian shirts I brought for all of us. We hooted and hollered when Greg's name was called as he received his MBA diploma with a 4.0 grade point average. We enjoyed an unbelievably yummy Asian lunch. Went shopping at the coolest accessory place ever. Thank you, Vonda. Visited the Dyers and made it back to the hotel and crashed. When we said good by at the airport Sunday morning, we did not dwell on the fact that they will be moving 9000 miles away in a few short weeks. Instead, we committed to how fun it will be when we gather in Kuala Lumpur, perhaps six months from now. Now that will be awesome!

After being gone for six days, I looked forward to home. Pete's welcome home sign in the kitchen made me smile. So good to be back again. Good to see Drew. Good to have the life I have. So much good...even in the midst of sadness. The next blog: The weekend miracle.

Wow, this is the sweet suite... 

This is the life... 

The hot tub... 

The mini-gym...