Flawed? Aren't we all?
I went walking around Lake Arlington Friday morning, a 2 mile walking path. With my visor pulled low and sunglasses on, I wanted to hide out and think and pray, especially about the counseling meeting Katie and I had on Wednesday. About 1/2 mile in, I see a couple I recognize as they get closer, Leah and her Japanese husband. Leah is the facilitator from the one bipolar support group Katie and I went to. They don't recognize me and that's cool because I really don't want to engage in small talk. What I hear her say as they pass me is "I don't know why I act that way..." I want to turn and say, well, you have bipolar disorder. What are the odds that I would see them today?
At the 1 1/2 mile mark two little kids on two wheel bikes pass me, squealing that they want to get far ahead of their moms. Then the moms speed walk past me, one saying, "I have this morbid fear of drowning..." Ah, gee, moms, run after them, hug them. You never know what's ahead.
And that gets me back to Katie. On Mother's Day and again at the counselor's, Katie says if she had known what lay ahead in the period from December to now, she never would have left. She is seeing the magnitude of her choices, she is wanting to rebuild but where to start? The fears of being labeled that mom who left her kids almost paralyzes. Can a marriage be reborn? She says she feels so flawed. Emily, the counselor, wisely says, we are all flawed, that's where grace comes in. I know it to be true. And there is the truth I had asked to be able to discern. That God's healing can be applied over all is truth. I know that many voices call out, silent and sometimes not silent judgements are cast about. In Katie's case there are three things that happened to her that she had no control over: She has bipolar disorder, her dad moved out when she was five years old, her sister died by suicide. Until someone can say they have had those exact same conditions in their life, I cannot compare her to anyone else . Her choices are another matter and there are consequences, grave ones, but can He step in there, too, to heal? I know that answer: Of course. I love the solid lives my sons and their wives have, I love Kristin's enormous strength of character. Do I love Katie less than them because so much has been screwed up? Do I love Laurie less because she made an irrevocable decision to end her life? I do not. I love them all. I am blessed by each of them.
What I thought about later is this blog. For whatever reason between 200 and 300 hits to this website occur every day and have for quite a while. So not counting my sister Gail checking 5 times a day, that is a lot of readership. Would it not be a great thing to have even 20 of those readers leave a message of encouragement to Katie here in a comment? That would be a blessing to use words to affirm, to build up, to agree that life is tough but together somehow we can press on.
One more note that I cannot get out of my mind. As Katie and I pulled into the counselor's parking lot Wednesday night after the storms, a rainbow appeared directly in front of us. Isn't the rainbow a sign of God's promises to us?
posted by Barb K @ 9:31 PM
40 Comments:
Katie, and Barb...
Encouragement--here it is! Katie, please know that I have spent the last year plus reading in on the love your mother pours out to everyone who blesses her life, and you are one of her biggest blessings! She loves you not because she gave you life, but because she sees in you the love you have for your precious children. You have an enormous amount of love within you and you are just at the breaking point of that realization! Your family is behind you and supports everything you are doing to get yourself back to who you left, there is no greater challenge--but no greater loss, either. Hold your head up, know that your children love and need you, and that your husband will be by your side at your call. Life is what we make of it...and you have created children who cannot comprehend what you are going through. But, they can be your source of strength, they can be your support and your forward motion. And your mom is there for you, too, I think you know that. Don't ever discount the love that is in this life for you, and know, that from one stranger, I am pulling for you to see the path that He sees for you, too. May you always know that you are, and have been, loved beyond words--sometimes beyond what we can comrpehend--which doesn't make us wrong, just unknowing. And His love helps the healing and the learning every step of the way!
God speed to your acknowledgement of the life you want back. It's the life He wants for you. But if it takes doing it on your terms, then that's what it takes!
Bless you and your beautiful family!
-Camille
Katie,
I am flawed. Seriously flawed. Differently flawed than you, but flawed none the less. I have made choices long ago that still haunt me now, but those choices also added to everything else to make me who I am today. God knew then I was going to screw up big time - He also knew I would ask forgiveness and that I would eventually have peace. I know He has forgiven me, but sometimes I have to "re"forgive myself. You are a precious creation of His - and His love won't diminish. Let Him hold you in His hands and help take away your pain and hurt. Let Him rebuild you. It may not be quick or easy, but what valuable thing is quick and easy? It is hard to ask for help, but you are doing it. It is hard to ask for forgiveness, but you are doing that too. You are doing the hard stuff - keep at it and know that there are so many of us whom you will probably never know or meet, but we are praying for you and your family on a daily basis.
Katie,
No one faults you for the things that have occurred in your life from other's decisions or circumstances beyond your control. And yes it's true that some of us have been dealt an unfair lot in life. Those we love give in to despair, and give up. Children are abused. Poverty and lack can crush our dreams. Homes fall apart. That is what a broken world looks like.
Those things serve to refine what is in us. The good news is that with the support of loved ones and that strong will you've been graced with, you can choose to change. Marriages spring back to life. Hope can be found in the lives of those who choose a different path than their upbringing and statistics predict and prevail. Trust me, I know this first hand.
It won't be easy; it won't be fun, but it will be very good. There is not a doubt in my mind that you can do it. And we'll be right here cheering you on.
Love
Cheryl
Kate the Skate,
You know that I, as your BEST brother, love and cherish you without any condition. I have a sense of optimism that always believes that no circumstance is impossible to overcome.
I know that you and I come from a family that gives second, third, fourth, and three-hundredth chances. We also have a family that dispenses love as if it were going out of style.
So, should you feel flawed? Well, of course, but we ALL are flawed. I am one big walking flaw in so many ways. The key is to NOT let that thought make you feel unqualified to recover.
That was one of dad's biggest issues. Because he internalized his own flaws so much, he never let himself recover, and ended up living the last 10-15 years of his life at less than full potential.
You don't need to do that. With ALL your issues, both medical and otherwise, I would love to see you simply choose to see yourself the way God does (as a whole and innately valuable created being), pick yourself up, and boldly, bravely walk forward.
Can you do it? Of course. Will people still "think things" about you? Probably, but who cares. That is simply trivial. Will your family be here for you? Absolutely. I am first in line.
I love you without condition -- always have and always will.
Love always,
Your Greg
Katie:
Well lady! I think that we all are messed up and we all NEED 2nd chance after second chance and do-over after do-over... The possibilities for your future are endless and many GREAT things are inside you waiting to be birthed or rediscovered. I do believe in the possibilities! HOPE is huge! Girl you have so much to offer yourself and this world. The totally crappy things that have happened in your life can not overcome that, if you let Grace sweep in and... you allow yourself not to just be loved but, allow Katie to love Katie and truly like you as others do ... as God does. Katie, I know it is easy for me to sit back from my position and say there is hope and a bright future for you but, I pray you believe it more and more...and that little by little light rays shine through the cracks...
Love, Eve
Such a gift to be invited to engage directly with you dear, dear Katie. I've thought of you, wept for you, laughed at memory-snapshots of your exquisite wit, recalled how utterly taken I was with your unforgettable personna from the moment I first met you--and prayed that God would rescue you from the abyss of despair and self-loathing that so many of us have spiralled into at various points along our faith-journey. I know Katie...
Odd that God's timing would be now for me to attempt to write words of encouragement. These last two days have been the hardest since Don died. Yesterday I became aware of a gut-wrenching situation involving one of my adult children. The consequences of some choices made will doubtless have far-reaching, long-lasting ripple effects. We've not even BEGUN to recover from reeling at the initial impact of the heartbreaking news.
I have ached, cried until I could hardly breathe, talked until no more words would come, felt completely overwhelmed and irretrievably undone.
But not hopeless. Never hopeless. We DO NOT grieve as those who have no hope. We apprehend the breadth, depth and width of God's grace in proportion to the degree that we grasp our own sinfulness.
The one person I've confided in gently reminded me that God, in His inimitable way, always transforms the worst mess we make of our life into a message of redemption, faithfully restoring the years the locusts have eaten away. Beauty for ashes--defies logic.
I have lived in these verses this weekend: "Where sin abounds, grace does much more abound." And, "God loves a broken and contrite spirit."
Nothing wasted in God's economy. Nothing. Either Romans 8:28 is true for EVERY circumstance of a believer's life, or it is altogether null and void. I cling to that saving truth for us.
I cling to it for you my precious, beautiful Katie.
One day you WILL comfort others with the very comfort with which you're being comforted in Christ. You will.
I love you.
D.D.
Katie--
You may be flawed; I know I am. You may have made some bad choices; I certainly have. But your past is not the issue. What matters now is how you respond to your current circumstances. I only know you through your and your family's blogs, but it's clear to me that you have the capacity to respond in an amazing way. I've seen great gifts for love and expression and self-awareness and courage in your writing--gifts that shine through even when you're broken and suffering--and with those gifts, the love of your family, and the strength of your faith, I know you'll find what you need to rebuild your life.
Years ago, I ran across a passage in the diary of Hugo Ball that helped me when I needed courage to move past a difficult time in my life: "...it is necessary to have grace toward one's own heart too, toward one's own dear soul that is often so out of tune that only grace can cheer it up. One must not be like a policeman in dealing with oneself....Vivacity and grace are almost identical. Life wants to be formed and thoroughly loved and illuminated not just at certain times but at every moment." You have so much "vivacity"--which I think here means not so much cheerfulness as the ability to experience life fully. Ultimately, that's far more important than perfection.
Christine
Indeed, we are all flawed. Maybe that is why someone like me reads the blogs everyday. I think you are good people and very human.
We don't know what the future holds but we have right now. Just rejoice in the now. Look around. Smile. Maybe even laugh. Remember the first days of your kids lives. Remember Laurie. Smile at your mom. Live now ...don't worry about tomorrow just yet.
Katie,
Here are a couple of verses that remind I have no right to pass judgement on you or anyone else. We all are flawed and if I look closely at your speck than I must look just as hard at my own plank.
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
I just love these verses because it shows to us that God loves each one of us that are lost and have followed the wrong path and is so happy if we turn back to Him.
The Parable of the Lost Sheep
10"See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven. 12What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? 13And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. 14In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost."
Katie I have known you since you were born and the path you have taken sometimes has been hard but I know God has a plan for you and wants you to prosper and find happiness. My prayer for you is to love yourself as others do and that your search to find happiness will be led by God.
Take care. Love, Mrs. H.
Katie,
If I can love you without knowing you, which I do, imagine the love your children have for you, the love your husband has for you, the love your family has for you and most importantly, the love God has for you. Just imagine it. Don't rationalize it, don't negate it, just relish it and know it is true. Have faith. You are beautiful in everyone's eyes. You are worthy. Most of all, you are LOVED.
Katie – The thoughts I share with you are those learned through living life. Life can be very ironic. I have found that many times I have not been able to understand the profoundness of things until it was too late to express my thoughts and feelings in the way I would chosen to do so. To me these experiences have served to be a reminder to live each day as if it were my last. My mother once commented that no one will ever love you like your family. I loved my mother deeply – yet now that she is with God – I realize the depth of her words. There are many things that I believe we cannot understand the true depth and breadth of except in retrospect. In my mind, it becomes critical to recognize the gifts we are given today. Several times in the past few years I have encountered experiences when I saw expressions of the outpouring of love to individuals. I fear too many times in this life we are oblivious to the love and caring around us and how it so awesomely outweighs the few that would focus on our flaws. If people can love like this – how can we begin to comprehend the love of our God? God loves you. You are one of His chosen. He sees your struggles and is walking next to you in your times of troubles. Reach out your hand – He is there to guide you. Concurrently – do not allow your focus to tarry on the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s. As humans we are all flawed. Rather draw a line in the sand and move forward – embrace the gifts you have been given – permit yourself the grace to live the life the Lord has given you to its fullest. You are not alone – you have His support and the caring support of those that know and love you AND those you don’t know that uplift you in prayer and are in your corner rooting for you! Bless you, Katie. You go girl!
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
Katie,
EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Those reasons may not be revealed right away and some are not revealed in our lifetime. But once we understand that EVERY SINGLE THING happens for a reason, we can look at all things from a different perspective.
Peace.
Dear Katie,
We are defined in God's eyes not by our flaws but by His love for us. His love will carry you through this difficult walk.
A Friend
Hi Katie,
This may sound cliche, but my mother has always said this to me - even in the hardest of times - somehow, it will all work out!
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Katers...
I'm trying to think of something clever and inspiring to say and nothing is coming.
I love your kids. I love the life you created. I've hated to see them and Tommy hurt.
Kate, I've hated to see you hurt. I miss you. I miss talking and whining and lauging, I miss the joy that was coming from a new friendship growing.
Some may have expected that growth to be stunted, for the fertile flower we'd started to have died. Any time toxicity enters a place of life, many times the toxic nature kills out the life and it needs to start again. Some would leave that ground and move on.
I guess I just saw it as hybernation... and I've been ready for Spring for a long time.
I love you Katie.
Banana
Dear Katie...
My prayer for you has and always will be that you would love yourself as Christ loves you. That you would see how truly beautiful you are. You are flawed as we all are but we are also forgiven. He sees our sins no more and so we don't focus on them. You are so loved and needed.
May God continue to bless you as you continue on this journey of life remembering always, "He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4. Don't be afaid or doubt Katie, just trust Him and those that love you.
In HIs Love,
Eileen G.
Katie, I've been reading your Mom's blog (and yours when it was up for a long time). Know that you are loved, know that you are prayed for... by people that have never met you. I could share stories of how many mistakes I have made in my life. To my kids, to my husband, to my family...but by God's grace they have always been there for me. God forgives and heals - He will be there for you forever and so will everyone in your life who loves you.
Keep positive sweetie. You have an awesome family. Your Mom is a hero to me.
With Love,
C.R.
Katie,
From what I know about you through the blogs and through your mom one thing is evident to me: you are a fighter. So keep on keeping on even when you don't know where the next step is or what it looks like. I know you haven't given up, you are brave in this darkness and sometimes the bravest thing of all is to hope. So keep hoping. And know that you are surrounded by love. I am praying for you.
Shelly
In the eyes of children another word for Mom is God. Of course there is no replacement for God but to your children you are the single most important human being. That also means that you get many chances, in fact every day you get another chance. ALL parents screw up. ALL people do things, say things that they regret. ALL people feel worthless at one time or another.
You are loved and your kids love you more than anything, remember that always.
Dear Katie,
You are loved. You are loved, you are loved, you are loved. By God, by your family, by me, and by so many others. I'm not sure if that gives you any comfort, but there it is. :)
-Alison
Katie & Barb,
Encouragement. It is a mircaulous thing. One of my favorite quotes is by Camus, "When there is no hope, one must invent hope." And the other quote I live by is by Erma Bombeck, "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and I could say, "I used everything that you gave me." "
Life is such a rollercoaster, but in the end I know that I want to look back and smile at as much as possible.
You can do it Katie. It's rough, but once you believe in yourself, you can do anything!
God Bless you and your family !!
Katie we are all here for you for anything.
Dear Katie,
I echo the words that have come before mine...know that you are treasured by people who have never even met you.
You are exemplifying what courage is. Making mistakes is easy; we all do this, especially when there are obstacles not of our own making thrown at us. Owning up to those mistakes and trying to better yourself with what you've learned from them, that is the hard part. Know that there are others beaming with pride at the fact you are walking the path of learning. Know that by doing that, you are also teaching others, such as myself, that though life can be difficult, it is a worthy journey that one should stay the course of.
I wish you all the best. You are an amazing person!
Kate and Barb,
We are all, indeed flawed. I have been reading your blog for a while now and feel connected to you guys, even though we have never met. I am always praying for you.
Having had to deal with depression and bipolar issues in my life, I can relate.
I have no doubt how much love there is in your family. The way you pull together in times of heartache is just amazing to me.
I am not great with words, but I ditto all of the encouraging notes above mine. Hang in there...you have a huge amount of people praying and thinking about you!
Dear Sweet Katie,
From the first time we had green juice and cheese puffs at the kitchen table, through the Jr High days at Rand, through your first baby's adoption, your wedding, the birth of your three wonderful, amazing children, just know that I have been there for you. Not physically, but definitely praying everyday for you for peace, strength and discernment. Sure, you're flawed. Who isn't? There was only one perfect one who walked the earth, and we pray to Him now to help us through our trials. Katie, you are an amazing person and abundantly loved...
Aunt Karen
Katie and Barb,
Your family is just so amazing which makes me care about all of you and check in to see how you are doing. I would love to see only the best for all of you. That is My Will.
But we live by God's Will, whether we are believers or not. It is all up to Him and we must deal with what we have been given. But what really matters in the end is how our relationship is with Him. Not anyone else but with Him.
Our Lord is all forgiving. Humans, because of sin, are not, which explains why our God is so awesome! The hardest part is to let go and let God be in control. It's so much easier said than done. I have been to earthly hell and back. I used to worry about what other would think. Now I only think about what God thinks. (Well, most of the time!) It has really turned my life around, I have made good choices, and when people talk about what I have done, they can only see the good I'm doing now because of the experiences I have had and my relationship now with God. He makes me shine and I pray the same thing will happen for you too!
Keep up the wonderful blogs. Your family is an inspiration to all of us!
A friend in Christ
All I know is what I've lived, and I know that life CAN be rebuilt. Summer comes after a long, hard, brutal winter. Breathing gets easier, moving through the day gets easier. There are cold days, hard days, but overall, things get better.
How wonderful to have such a strong support system.
All I know is that God doesn't make any 'junk'. No matter your past - He wants us to only focus ahead. Jesus didn't live his life here to the people that look like they have it all together. Read John 5 I believe it is - the Beautitudes. "Blessed are the poor in spirit"
God doesn't make any junk - He knew what you would do - He still loves you - more than you could ever imagine.
I mean Jesus didn't live his life here *WITH* the people that supposedly have it all together --- He spent it with the broken.
Katie....
God takes our mess and He makes it our message! So far that is what my life mistakes and hardship have consisted of. And I thank God everyday for every persons life I can touch through something I have gone through. God will use you too!!!
Your in my prayers!!!
Amonymous "almost everyday" Reader
Just me, one of your anonymous readers out in cyberspace. I'm drawn to your site, even though, as i've stated before,I don't know any of you. I guess I'm looking for something. Inspiration? Guidance? A kindred 'flawed' human spirit? Whatever the reason, I am thinking of you, and sending heartfelt thoughts of peace to you all. I sustained a grave loss when I was 15, my 19 year old brother died in an accident involving a gun. I was told "Don't talk about it, it will upset your parents."
Now, 25 years later, I feel like I am finally fully and openly grieving. Maybe that's why I'm drawn to your words.
Katie: You are blessed because you are loved. Grab onto love like a liferaft. Because it is. Peace.
We have all fallen short - that's for sure! It feels like life is not fair, not only does it feel like that; it's not fair! Why is it that you, Katie, have bi-polar, a sister who chose suicide, and a father who left? I do not know.
But, God can and will give us the strength to rebuild! He is the God of reconciliation and hope. Yes, he can rebuild your family and your marriage. It is going to be HARD - pretty much it will suck. But the aftermath will be beautiful!
Yes, Katie, Grace is sufficent for you! Know that, even when God's people do not show it.
Katie,
Remember that with God, nothing is impossible! Entrust everything to Jesus-- everything. He loves you immensely!
Count me in as one of your faithful readers.
Katie, you have had a whole lot of heartache for someone so young. I have followed your story here - and on your blog when it was alive - and felt overwhelmed with awe and admiration at times.
I wonder, if you wouldn't mind, if you could start your blog up again when you feel you are ready. I would love to learn more about this biological disorder. There are, apparently, many people who are silently suffering from bipolar.
There are also many families who have a bipolar child, parent or other relative and who simply don't know what to make of that loved one's unpredictable behavior.
Thank you, Barb and Katie, for allowing us to participate in your journey.
Holy Smokes, if you weren't so flawed you wouldn't be nearly as beautiful.
You all don't know me either but I have been following your lifes here and what an inspiration to me you are. Here are some quotes I use in my own life to get through sometimes.
"Life is full of choices" - you get to make the choices and if you don't like the outcome you can choose to change it. I have faith in you Katie, you will choose what is best for you and that will change as life goes on but that is okay.
The second one is "You are in your life where you are because of what you BELIEVE is possible for yourself" If you BELIEVE it, it will happen. I believe so much is possible for you in your life, now you just have to believe it too.
((((((Katie & family))))))
sending gentle hugs
Katie,
I am praying for you. I just ask God to pour his love and blessings on you so you are filled to overflowing. My you be surrounded by love and encouragement. None of us is perfect, we are all flawed in some way. But the best thing we can do is love and encourage each other, flaws and all, so I pray that you will truly feel how loved you are.
Dios te bendiga,
Meg
Barb & Katie,
A cardinal appears before me EVERY morning as I walk down the stairs from our front door to my car on my way to work. Usually just one, but sometimes two cardinals are sitting in the tree. I let it serve as my reminder to pray for you and Katie & Laurie & EVERYONE, each day, and I take a moment of silence for you all. I suppose cardinals are common here in Gerogia, but being that I grew up in Buffalo Grove, they remain an unexpected surprise for my eyes and I never took more of a notice of them until I began reading this blog.
The ONLY currency in God's world is LOVE. Sweethearts, you have it all around you.
Katie,
You are a brave soul to have come this far, to be aware of what you need to do to recover and move forward. I truly pray for you and your family.
If you feel weak or are having one of those "I cannot do it days", think of all the experiences you have endured and come out the other side of, and remember they are all there to help you pass this next challenge.
It sounds like you are on a pretty steep climb at the moment, and I am sure the view from the top of this mountain is going to be glorious.
And next time you look at yourself in the mirror, see yourself through God's eyes, a God who loves you, cares for you and who believes in you.
God bless you, and I hope to see a new blog from you in the future. Yours was always my favourite but don't tell your family that!
Natalie
(Just another reader who has been blessed enough to have become part of your lives through these blogs. Your and your family's willingness to share with others after losing Laurie is probably why I am still here today.)
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