About last night...

Last evening we had a gathering of the clan for some of Ashley's world famous chili. We also had the foresight to have all the grandkids wear something in the blue color range. The result: this and many other fun photos. That is Hayden on the left, Brooke holding brand new baby Reece, Maya just above Denver, then Ashley keeping Isaiah from falling off the teeter totter airplane.

This week has been especially great because Cheryl, Ashley and Brooke have been here from Houston. We have been able to hang out, visit relatives, share some meals and some serious discussions. What we clearly know is life has changed. Sometimes we are ambushed with a flood of emotions. It happened last night too, in the midst of joy, a surge of new pain.

I am off to the airport to pick up our friend Debbie. I know her being here is a God thing. Can't wait.

Treasures.... 

I just changed my computer wallpaper to this photo.  

Smile... 

Faith is a journey, not a guilt trip...

Ironically, these are the words that were on a bus stop bench near Katie and Tommy's house that Laurie had commented on. And there is great truth in these words. Faith is a journey with so many ups and downs, stops and starts. God speaks, then He doesn't. Today my faith is solid as a rock; oops, where did God go? Wow, that New Comunity spoke right to my heart...Gee, that message wasn't relative to me at all. See what I mean? Faith is about baby steps, baby steps in the hardest, most gut wrenching times.

Thinking about my faith journey, starting so long ago. Someone inviting me to a Pioneer Girls Awana type thing. I loved the crafts, the songs but I certainly did not make any decision to accept Christ then. I just wanted to have fun. Fifteen years later a couple, Brian and Sheran, come into my life and I clearly saw their faith in how they just lived their lives. A baby step. Then accepting Him. More baby steps. It has been a journey, with stops and starts along the way.

Laurie's journey should not have been a guilt trip. And most of it was not but somewhere she hit a wall and let guilt or whatever cloud over her. I just flipped through one of her journals and here is a little of what she wrote, "It was so cool to be with my family, who I know will always be there for me. They are each so important to me and I long to know their hearts to the fullest potential. Some of them need to hear about God's unending love so desperately. I hope to be able to let them hear about Him more through my words and actions. My Grandma Broscovak and I were able to talk for about 25 minutes about nothing but my baptism. She wanted to hear more about its' significance in my life. She was so attentive and asked me a lot of questions which I was able to answer... " That little interchange was part of the process for my mom to accept Christ . Tomorrow's is the 1st anniversary of Mom's death. My faith tells me exactly where she is and where Laurie is. Faith is a journey, NOT a guilt trip. Yahoo for that!

We did it!!!!!!

Emotional does not adequately describe the experience of the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk. Overwhelming, maybe.

Friday I taped an interview for CLTV describing the Overnight and why our team was walking. The station aired the piece every hour Friday and a shortened piece on Saturday. Saturday morning there were lots of last minute phone calls and by 6:00 PM our team had already battled getting downtown among 60000 rabid soccer fans, a few thousand more coming to hear the band Journey. The opening ceremony, though really hot, was filled with encouragement and stories and song focused on why we were doing this, to bring suicide awareness out of the dark, to prevent suicide where we can, to survive the loss of someone we loved. At approximately 7:20 PM over two thousand walkers began the journey. In the first five minutes of the walk we rounded the first turn that brought the Planetarium into full view. Katie and I had a good cry in each others arms and then onward we walked north along Lake Shore Drive.

Our little band stayed together as well as we could pretty much until the first rest stop. What I loved was getting to meet the different team members we had only known via emails and phone calls: Giselle, Chris Neil, Randy Estes, Amy Groebel, Jessica, Jennifer, the other Kristin. And we met many others as we walked whose lives were dramatically changed by someone they loved taking their own life. Chris and Christa and grandsons Hayden and Reece were at about the 8 mile mark to cheer us on ( and give us a good reason to take a little rest.) We reached the half way mark (10 miles, which I have never walked at one time) at almost midnight. Ouch, everything hurt. Did you ever realize that using a Porta Potty in complete darkness is high risk?
Katie managed to drop her glow stick light source right in, well, you know where. Oops. Dinner was provided at this rest stop which was somewhere near Foster and Lake Shore Drive. Chris Neil on our team had some Starbucks friends meet us and they came bearing much needed little cans of "Double Shot Expresso". For me, the caffeine jolt was just what I needed. The turn around back towards Soldier Field was daunting to face and our newly vaselined, mole skinned feet trudged on.

Did I say how hot and sweaty we all were? Yuck. My creative sister had made these clever little neck scarf things filled with some kind of gel that provided some cooling. For that I am forever thankful. At mile 15, Katie was cramping, Pete was pretty done in after working all day at Itasca Fest and then doing this, facing working again at Itasca fest all day Sunday, Tommy was not feeling too good either. So being the mindful woman I am, I suggested maybe we call it a walk and get on the sweeper bus to be brought back to the holding area. We boarded the air conditioned bus, sank into the seats and after a about a minute and a hald, Katie said "I am going to finish this." Katie and I climbed off the bus and completed the hardest five miles, ever. Lighting luminarias that stretched almost endlessly, was high emotion, again. All of us straggling in any where from 4:30 to 5:30 AM. But we did it!

The closing ceremonies were once again, emotionally draining but fulfilling. My gigantic blisters will go away; the memories and the way we could honor Laurie in a most dramatic way will stay with me forever. To all of you were prayed (Debbie, our all night prayer warrior, thank you!) , contributed, came to cheer us on, and especially, to you, our team Laurie's Legacy I am so thankful. Words, this time, can not express. I love you.

Don't we look fresh waiting for the train to take us downtown? 

That's "Stretch" Drew over on the left during registration. 

We had plenty of time to rest (and bake) before the Opening ceremony. 

Just the beginning... 

Katie and I had just finished a good cry in the first five minutes of the Walk as we passed near the Planetarium... 

This was amazing. The little white line is the 1000s of walkers rounding the Field Museum. 

At mile 8 about half of the team stopped to pose for a picture. I think the rest were already at the midnight dinner stop. 

Some of the damage... 

Kristin literally crawling to bed after the Walk. 

Tonight we walk...

The anticipation of this event has been going on for months. Tonight we begin this journey and I embrace it. We start near Soldier Field less than a quarter mile from where Laurie ended her life. That will be hard but part of the ongoing process to keep walking through the grief, the hard parts...

With over 2000 walkers, our little band of 25 (who have received donations of more than $42800!) will walk north towards Lincoln Park. Opening ceremony is at 6:30 PM and the closing ceremony is at 5:30 AM back at Soldier field. Anyone can come to either ceremony. Those 11 hours will be filled with stories, laughter, silence, tears and hope. I embrace it all.

Read Eve's blog today. (Transformation Eve, linked here) I echo her thoughts.

Held

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise that when everything fell...
We'd be held.

These are the words from a beautiful Natalie Grant song titled "Held". My friend Sandy told me about it but until I heard it myself, I could not have realized the impact it would have on me. It is haunting; it is a heart song, it is my song. I am held; my family is being held...

Reading yet another book on grief, "How to Survive the Loss of a Child", I realize I have learned a new language...a language from my gut that is the almost animal cry of loss, loss of my child. I did not even know this language existed until it became mine. My spiritual mom, Lee and I talked about it when we visited Florida in May. Her son Paul died last November. There is this hollow, hallowed spot within that just roils, churns and comes out as an unintelligible sound that speaks of the unspeakable...my child is gone...my child is dead. And in my case, my child is gone by her own hand. How will that ever make sense? This new language does not provide any answers to that.

And in the only way I know, I look for God. As I walked Monday, I thought how weird as some neighbors who know me, avoid my wave to them. Do they think suicide is contagious? It makes me sad but I press on. Then the title of that book crosses my mind and just as it does, a cardinal flies by. God reminding me that He knows. And I am held.

Laurie's picture will be on our shirts, her memory in our hearts... 

Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk

A week from tonight 26 of us from the Laurie's Legacy team will be walking 20 miles, starting and ending at Soldier Field. This little band of family, old friends, new friends and some people I have never met are my heroes. They have been taking training walks, getting donors, following up on latest updates, going way outside of their comfort zones, all for a cause that four months ago, none of us probably would have even considered...suicide prevention.

In this huge life change process I find myself in, I am constantly reminded that there are so many surrounding us with their love and concern and prayers. This fact is one of the reasons I believe that we have not crumbled, that I can get up each morning and tie on a pair of walking shoes and go do a couple of miles before work. Do I think it is a great coincidence that Chicago along Lake Michigan is the site of this years Overnight Walk? No, not a coincidence but another awesome example of God knowing I would need a goal, a healthy outlet to survive Laurie's death. The Overnight has provided that. I have lost twenty pounds and feel strong. I sleep well at night and have the energy to chase after Denver, Maya and Isaish this weekend as Katie and Tommy go to a wedding in St. Louis.

There are still a few in our team who have not reached the $1000 minimum to walk in the Overnight. All except Nicole, who will not be available to walk, need those final extra dollars. All of us would appreciate any extra $$$ to these last four members. Donating online is the only way now to add to the total, which right now is nearing $40000! AFSP does great work in suicide prevention. Their website is linked on the resource page of www.laurieboncimino.com. To contribute to our team, go to www.theovernight.org and click the "more" symbol under teams. Laurie's Legacy is our team. Thanks, God, for providing.

Reece, a little miracle wrapped in a blanket. 

July 2nd....

Did you know July 2nd is the half way mark of the year? My flip over scripture calendar at work switches around on July 2nd. That date is so significant in so many ways to our family. Pete's grandma's (Gram) birthday was July 2nd. What a sweetie she was. July 2nd this year is Chris and Christa's 10th wedding anniversary. We had a blast at that wedding. Two years later July 2nd, 1997. my sister Lin, died in a terrible accident. A good friend, Bernie, has her birthday today. And of course, this is month four, since Laurie's death.

July 2nd, just a date on a calendar, but so much significance. Just last year, I was on the road with the Barrington Boncimino's to meet up with the Houston Boncimino's at Outer Banks, North Carolina. Seems like a million years ago. And this year, the amazing addition of Reece Edward Boncimino to our family, today! Little three day old Reece is spending his first night at home with Mom Christa, Dad Chris and brother Hayden. I am in awe of God's timing. This family needed a big dose of joy. I read a journal entry of Laurie's from July 2nd, 2000. She was so full of hope and excitement about the recent baptisms of several friends.

Right now I am realizing I did not spend the time reflecting on the past in the ways I thought I would. An early phone call this morning had us praying for my dear friend Karen's mom. Ironically, Mrs. Alluri experienced the same type of abdominal aortic rupture my mom did last year. Had breakfast this morning with a young woman walking through the pain of losing her mom just last month to suicide. Went downtown and saw a musical. Drove like a wild woman to get to see Reece and then dinner with friends, Steve and Sandy. I only wept once today. It was such a beautiful sunset, I wept at that. And what I know: God is still here; He has not changed.

He gives...

Just a short blog. A new life came into the world yesterday. We are blessed.

Check out Greg's blog.