California Dreamin'

It made me smile to log on tonight from my hotel room and see the comments saying I was missed. I had just gotten off the phone with Pete and texting with Katie, both of them saying they missed me too.

I just arrived here in California this afternoon where I am going to be working at a conference in Anaheim for a few days. The break is good; I need to clear my head a bit. What I forgot when I arrived at the John Wayne Airport was that the last time I landed here was three years ago. Laurie was already here to stand up for a friend's wedding and things at that wedding did not go great...old details, old news, fresh pain, remembering that time.

I am in a heightened sensitivity/awareness of her loss...last night was the first night of the winter session of Grief Support. It is always a tough night with new faces, new stories of heartbreaking loss and as the small group leader of a child loss table, I tell our story first. Even as I spend three minutes or so describing what happened, I still can't believe it. When I tell the others at my table that I so wish they did not have to be there, we all get it. Not in our wildest, most terrifying nightmare do we allow ourselves to think about losing our child. And if there were any way in the world we could have prevented whatever happened, we would have.

On the plane I read almost all of Shauna Niequist's book, Cold Tangerines. There is a chapter where she and her mother are taking a course and are sharing a hotel room when they get a call that Shauna's brother, Todd has been in a car accident, this just weeks after his best friend had died in a car wreck. Shauna describes what happened right after that call when they knew that although it had been close, Todd was fine. Her mother, Lynne, begins to sob, deep gut wrenching sobs. Lynne went over to where Shauna sat on her bed and they both put their hands over Shauna's pregnant belly and Lynne cries to her not yet born grandson, Henry to be careful, be careful, be careful, Little Henry. It is a powerful moment for Shauna knowing the ferocity of a mother's love and the heart stopping terror of losing a chikd. If only we could always protect our children from all things...to have superhuman strength, knowledge, never let them out of our sight.

It comes down to trusting that God knows the story; He does not promise we will escape tragedy but He will see us through it. I have to admit though, I am doing a little California dreaming...dreaming that life could be easier, easier for so many I know right now, me included.
I'm going to sleep now...maybe in my dreams?????