39 nine days ago...

Thirty nine days ago Pete and I hit a big wall. I had a sinking feeling our marriage could be over. A few trusted friends and family members knew and I believe they went into ultimate prayer mode.

Meeting with our old counselor who we went to when Laurie first died and meeting with one of our most dear friend couples got us upright. We were steered to a book and concept "Love and Respect" and began to dig in. I have had a huge heart change and so has Pete. Now we are standing...in love.

We are almost back in a honeymoon stage. God has led us through some deep waters and we are resting comfortably in His arms, thanking him for building us into a stonger than ever couple. I am grateful beyond words.

This holiday season gives me more reasons than ever to appreciate the birth of His Son, Jesus!

Animoto.com

Wow! 85% don't make it?

I just sneezed eight times . What does that mean? And what does the statistic that 85 % of marriages that sustain the loss of a child, don't make it, mean?

I am trying to field a curve ball right now. Will you pray?

Four and a half years...

Though I don't blog much anymore, I still see this as my place to process my emotions and the grief journey. I still participate as a child loss small group leader at Grief Support at Willow Creek. However, we have been off for the summer and I am feeling the need to get back.

Through this summer, I attended the wake of a young girl who died by suicide, I participated in the Overnight walk, fundraiser for suicide prevention and heard of several other suicides. I still shake myself once in a while and have to tell myself, yes, Laurie really died. She really took her own life. As we took part in weddings this summer, I often thought Laurie should be here, where is she? Isn't that crazy that after four and a half years (exactly on Sept 2nd.) I still cannot believe it sometimes that I don't have that funny, beautiful girl here with me?

Today as I drove, I welled up thinking of her, missing her. Does a mom ever get over the loss of a child? I don't think so. Sure, the sharp gnawing pain subsides. It's when I see photos of her friends on Facebook and scan those faces, she's not smiling back. When Katie's two year old twins see pictures of Aunt Munch, but have no clue, I sigh.

My hope comes from my faith. That sure knowledge that she is safe and smiling in that realm we somehow conject is heaven. She's there...I'm at peace with that.

The Overnight 2009

We stretched...

Lake Michigan, the eerie reminder...

Me and Aimee, pre walk.

Ah, the Overnight...

The Overnight for AFSP American Foundation for Suicide Prevention was last night. I trained, I more than met my financial goal, (Thank you so much) and I think I did what I set out to accomplish: Continue the awarenenss that suicide and mental illness not being stigmitized. And that again, I remember what an awesome daughter, sister, friend Laurie was.

AFSP does an amazing work. Just seeing the two thousand or so folks at Soldier Field always hits so hard. The honor beads around each neck, signifying the loss or reason each walked. White for child loss, gold for parent loss, blue for the cause, etc. It was so God-coordinated when standing among all these people with Aimee, I noticed the woman in front of me, whose face I could not see, was wearing a white necklace. I knew the pain she had felt losing a child without having to see her. Then I noticed her back pack on the ground with a plastic sleeve attached with photos of several young people...there was Laurie's face among them.! "Hey, who is this in front of me?" I thought. turns out it was my sweet friend from Grief Support who had been in my Child Loss group two years ago. So good to meet up with her...

Though rains and thunderstorms were predicted, we walked bravely off after a beautiful Opening ceremony. The heat caused sweat to drip into my newly operated on cataract eye. (Not good follow up treatment.) It was when the rains actually started that I felt I had done what I hoped for and had no regrets when Pete and Joanne and Mike who were there to cheer us on part way through the Walk, drove soggy me back to my car. Not completing the entire Walk this year seemed to be the wise choice for me. I am ready to keep walking towards hope for a day when no one chooses suicide over life!

Happy 25th Birthday, Laurie! We miss you.

So she would have been 25 today...

Today sweet Laurie would have been 25 years old. It is so hard to imagine what our lives would be like if she were still with us. I know she would be flipping out because her sister, Kristin just got engaged. She would be so thrilled that Greg, Cheryl and Brooke were home for a visit from Malaysia. We would be making plans for Slumberfest 2009, the giant family sleepover, coming next week.

It is just hard to imagine. Those ripples caused be both her joy and compassion and her decision to take her life have impacted so many in so many ways. I just miss her...

I'm walking, I'm walking, I'm breathing...

Slumberfest 2007. Breakfast at the tree house.

Feasting...on love of family.

Slumberfest breakfast. Yum!

To breath again...

Saturday morning, I am still in my pj's and proud of it. Today, May 30th, 2009, would have been my mom's 80th birthday. It has been almost five years since she's been gone and I still miss her. I can imagine her smiling at all the "shenanigans" I find myself a part of...swinging on my back yard swing with Denver spinning me and little Kylie til we laugh and get dizzy. And then putting ice on Maya's tetter totter wound. (It is amazing to us that this is the first real wound on the seesaw of death.) I honestly do not remember my mom ever volunteering to take all my kids overnight ever. I know she was happy to see us when we came over, and she let the kids do pretty much whatever while there, but ask to keep them overnight, nope. Hmmm, I have veered far from that philosophy. Most weekends at least three to five grandkids are here along with Katie and it's a bit of a three ring circus. I like it that way!

And to breath again...The past six months, to the day, have been a time of mentally holding my breath. Thursday was a day covered in prayer by many, many friends and those prayers were answered in a great way! I literally feel a load off my brain. I am getting oxygen again! What a terrific feeling. The summer does not loom in a scary way anymore. We can make plans. Hooray for that.

So now I can eagerly anticipate the arrival of Greg and Cheryl and Brooke from Malaysia next week. I can look forward to the upcoming bridal showers and graduation party, Slumberfest 2009, the AFSP BBQ throwdown next Sunday, Day at the Races to benefit the Cradle, a cherished place for our family. I can plant my tomato plants and basil and cilantro and know I will be able to tend to each with a light heart. I will walk 20 miles in the AFSP Overnight on June 27th and think about Laurie and be grateful that there have been no more losses to suicide in this family. I am breathing. We all are breathing! Sweet.

PS I have been able to pass my goal of $1000 for the Overnight. My wonderful walking partner, Aimee, still needs to reach that goal or she will have to come up with the remainder herself. Please consider going to her page and making any size donation.
http://www.theovernight.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=extranet.personalpage&confirmid=10013820

Proud mom and dad with the sweetest son, Greg.

Mother's Day 2009

Today I officially have been a mother for 40 years. Greg is forty today. I still remember the pregnancy, the labor, delivery of a beautiful little red haired baby boy. Because he was born just before Mother's Day that year, the nurse brought him to me wrapped in the little striped blanket (the one that you still see today.) with a red rose with a baby blue ribbon tied to it, laying across his swaddled little self. Instant love! The most incredible wash of emotion came over me. This is MY baby; I had a baby! I am a mom!

What a ride as a mom. Being a mom, I still think is the most wonderful job/blessing in the world. My journey is not at all what I thought it would be that May 9th, 1969. The twists and turns, the exreme joys, the extreme sorrows, have continued to shape me. I can not change the past but I can choose to go forward with God's patient guidance and embrace the future.

Please click on Greg's blog and read his wonderful timeline of his life thus far. It made me cry, tears of wonder. This is MY baby; I had a baby! I am a mom!

To my kids, forgive me for all the mistakes I have made. To the rest of my family, I thank you for your love. To Pete, thank you for sticking with me on this journey. 20 years, Wow! To God, thank you from my heart.

Happy Mother's Day. May you be as blessed as I have been.

Am I still out there?

The last commentor on the "Awwww" picture asked just that. It can be taken two ways: Am I OUT there? Like, yeah, I am way out there :) or Am I out there? like "Am I still blogging?" The irony is that as I was driving today I could feel a blog boiling up inside me. I hate that I had to really rein in what I was truly feeling and experiencing in my blog because "bullies" were creating conflict. Much of what I write now is light or a picture review (still valuable to friends and family, I hope) but the gut of me is curtailed.

Someday I will get back to real blogging but right now, there is still concern and worry. Suffice it to say, the last four months have been excruciating. I wonder why I have lost ten pounds with out really trying and I know. It's the famous "Grief Diet". The one you can't write a book about because the causes of grief are so awful: death, divorce, suicide, cruelty, and on and on. And all of ones I just listed have been going on in the lives of people near and dear to me. Death: the sister and two nieces of my sweet friend. Divorce: One of our closest guy friends is being dragged through this pit. Suicide and attempts: Too many. Cruelty: At least four different men who are batterers, violent tempered, alcoholic and threatening bullies to women I know.

The bullies are ones I have such disdain for. I hate bullies. Is that too strong a word? I think because I love, I must also be able to hate. It is so abhorent that someone thinks they can control another by their horrific words, their accusations, almost always false, and their violence. Two recent news stories in IL rang too close. One, the mother whose two young sons were killed by the deranged father who then killed himself, pleaded with the courts not to allow unsupervised visits. A judge denied her requests and now they are gone. The other, another deranged man, killed the sister of his girlfriend and her father and her grandmother. Their funerals are tomorrow. Is it drugs, mental illness, alcohol, a lousy upbringing? I don't know but the numbers just continue to grow. I can't believe the thoughts I have in thinking of ways to make these people go away.

All I know for now is that God sees and knows and hears the prayers of those who are threatened. He, in His time, will make all things right. I am reminded of Romans 8:28, Katie's verse.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purposes."

May it be so.

Awwww..

Too fun.

My lamb cake, cute, huh?

Happy birthday, Pete.

Lamb cake eater Reece.

Yum, Izzy loves the rolls.

Let the feasting begin.

Beautiful girlies.

More Easter goodies!

Eggs Goldenrod, yippee!

Now that is cute...Maya Bunny.

Grandpa bunny.

Yikes!

What did the Easter bunny bring?

Good morning!

Twins learning a new song.

Easter eggs...

Easter

This past Sunday, Easter, was one of those great days I cherish. Early morning Easter egg hunt at 921 with the kids cooperating and letting the little kids find the easy eggs. The world famous Eggs Goldenrod made and eaten (and the annual call from son Chris on how to make the world famous Eggs Goldenrod.) All of us getting to church in time for one of the most amazing Easter services Willow has ever done...sweet.

Our Easter feast was hosted by son and daughter-in-law Chris and Christa and it was fabulous. Pete's folks were there and feeling the love. Their health has been so shaky lately; it was great to have them there enjoying their kids, grandkids and great grandkids. We celebrated Pete's birthday, too, and that was cool, too. Granddaughter Izzy arrived just in time.

Dessert was followed by Guitar Hero, a new family tradition. I love the way different family members show a whole new side when they get behind a guitar or microphone. Hilarious.

Holidays always bring me back to thinking about Laurie in a more intense way. At one point I slipped away from the festivities, and wouldn't you know it? I can hear a cardinal singing. It didn't take long before I spotted him high in a tree. I am reminded that God is near in all situations and He knows my heart. The worries and sadness can still be given to Him and He will bear it for me. He made that sacrifice long ago for me...resurrection, new life, Easter.

AMERICAN FOUNDATION FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION

AMERICAN FOUNDATION FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION

The cutest sign of spring. Two of my favorite "cardinals".

March 29th, snow bunny.

"Planting" my silk daffodils...

The twins first car!

Go, Rylan!

Wheeee!

Spring is in the air?

For two weeks now I have been babying a flat of beautiful purple (Go NU!) pansies. Bringing them out into the sun when the weather is predicted to be warm, scurrying the flat back into the garage on cold nights. I water when necessary and in general smile every time I pass them in the garage. But come on, now; will I ever get to actually plant them?

We confiscated a cute Cozy Coupe and a little motorized motorcycle from someone's garbage pile two Tuesdays ago. (Thank you, Pete, for always being on the lookout.) I vaguely remember the warm afternoon we could enjoy the 2 year old twins as they enjoyed the latest addition to grandma and grandpa's fun backyard. Our backyard could double for a preschool!

And so I wait for warm weather. I am starting to walk in preparation for the Overnight and actually got my first donation without making the ask yet. How cool is that?

Come on, Spring...

The Overnight 2009

This weekend I signed up for the 20 mile AFSP Overnight Walk. I've done the walk in 2005 and 2006 and several 5K community walks since Laurie's death. My best guesstimate is that we have raised in excess of $50K as part of Laurie's Legacy Teams. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention does terrific work in educating and I am committed to continuing to do what I can to prevent others from making a terrible choice.

Just this week, I received two messages asking for resources, guidance in helping two families who's life trajectories just altered due to suicide of a loved one.

On the sweet side, I also received a wonderful comment left about Laurie on my blog, "How amazing when God shows up!" . Adam, a former neighbor, shared some personal and moving testimony. I am blessed with moments like that.

May this week be filled with blessings. Each day is a treasure.

Happy St. Patrick's day!

And this is only some of the jeans donated!

I am so glad for all the awesome friends who really took to heart my request for blue jeans to donate for "Stuff for the Poor". Grief Support and Community Care at Willow sponsored this terrific serving opportunity and I sent out an email request and posted here.

I wanted to have this project be a way to honor Laurie and her heart for the poor. I think it did just that! Thank you, my friends. And thank you for being there along the way no matter what...