From my heart: February 2009

How amazing when God shows up!

From mid week, I know I have been feeling stressed. This time of year represents too much sadness for our family. The stress built even more yesterday when a dear one gave me the cell phone and I listened to a tirade of angry, vulgar language beyond what anyone should ever have to hear. Fear for what this person threatened was almost paralyzing...how to not build more walls, how to be a peace maker, how to know that there is protection for all involved. Prayers shot to heaven and back...

And then today. The amazing perfect timing of God. Izzy and I dawdled a bit in Target before bringing her back to Northwestern after her quick overnight visit to 921. I hugged her good by outside her dorm and began the trip back home, no anticipation of anything noteworthy. With Izzy around, I find myself sharing bits of family history that I know the journalist in her, does not miss and will carry. Maybe because I had just talked about some odd number facts about our family, 20, 30, 40 years ago that I was thinking historically, not really paying attention to where I was driving, just following the Garmin directions, I found myself at a very significant intersection.

Although the traffic light was green, traffic was being held up somewhere ahead and I had to stay exactly where I was. Looking around I realized this was the exact intersection where 24 years ago on June 7th at around 2:00 AM, the friendly policemen who had stopped our speeding car helped me into an ambulance. Off we sped to Evanston hospital where I gave birth to Laurie in just seven minutes after entering the hospital doors. As I smiled about those events, sipping a Starbucks iced coffee, something I never buy but Izzy and I had an impulse to buy the discounted 4 packs, a black Jeep goes through the intersection. What!!??? Starbucks, a black Jeep, the place where Laurie was pushing herself out of me??!! God, you are sooo awesome to give me this potent reminder of her! And then the radio. What song starts up? "I Can Only Imagine" The one song we both loved so much reminding us about the glory heaven holds!

The traffic finally starts to move and by now I am crying happy tears. But God wants to make sure I get this love fest He created for me. The next song is "There Will Be a Day" reminding me that sometime there will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more hurt, just hang on. And in a short distance of .8 of a mile (Garmin info.) a string of 6 black Jeeps are interspersed amid the oncoming vehicles. Since Laurie's death, black Jeeps are my little reminders of how much she loved us and we loved her. And one more song as I pull onto the expressway, "The Voice of Truth" as a red Jeep pulls up along side of my car. (Note to my Red Jeep blog friends I have never met but love.) The rest of my ride home I spied easily 15 more black Jeeps, not dark blue, not dark green, black ones. It was a ride to remember and cherish. I have used a little trick this past winter to remind me of God's love for me. (Encouraged by my counselor to sometimes rest in God's love.) When I have my fabulous carseat heater turned on, I imagine that I am sitting on God's lap and He is comforting me. I was so comforted!

How amazing when God shows up!

If you want to contribute...

Four Years. Am I over it?

Of course, I'm not. Can a mom ever get over losing a child? After being small group leader for six sessions as a Child Loss leader for Grief Support, I clearly know, the answer is "No". I can get through it but never over it. I will always miss the unbelievable laugh, that sweet smile, those wonderful hugs, those thoughtful questions. No, I won't get over Laurie's death. I will get through it.

Two pregnant mommies, 1978

My Katie and Margie's Ben 1979

Paul and Ben all grown up, 2007 visit.

Colorado visit 1978

1984 Margie, baby Laurie and me.

Colorado, Aug. 2007 Marge and me with real men!

Last Thursday, Margie and me..

A new month begins.

After a January I am glad to put behind me, I am looking forward to breathing in deeply, embracing the reality that I cannot control everything and enjoying the moment more.

Tonight I will be having dinner with one of my dearest friends, Margie. She and I have known each other since seventh grade and even further back from there, our parents used to double date long before we were born! Back in the seventies when Margie and her husband moved to Colorado and we had a big going away party for them, I knew this would not be the end of our friendship. We always stayed in touch and took trips out to Colorado many times. Recently I dug out pictures to give to Margie. Great memories from a much lighter time. I think what I have been thinking about alot lately is that I did not truly appreciate how relatively uncluttered our lives were back then. How simple!

And then the hard stuff for each of us. As a newly single mom, Margie and her family invited me to come out for a visit and I did with 6 week old Laurie in tow. A year later Margie found herself going through a divorce. How could this be? We were both so in love with our husbands and they were such stand-up guys. But it did happen and we supported each other via calls and letters and more visits. Both of us eventually remarried to REALLY wonderful men who took us on along with our kids, seven in all. Now those are real men.

Through the years even when we haven't talked for awhile, we pick up right where we left off. I can never forget speaking to Margie as we drove home from the medical examiners where my kids had just positiviely identified Laurie's body. I sobbed that we had just left the site at Lake Michigan where Laurie had taken her own life, still not really believing it. And during that conversation, black Jeep just like Laurie's, drove past us. As I choked out what I was seeing, somehow we decided that was Laurie's little signal that she truly was okay now, safe in Jesus' arms.

And the most important part of my relationship with Margie is that she is the one who first told us about her accepting Jesus as her saviour and the importance of each of us seeking and accepting His free gift of eternal life. That discussion around a campfire up in the Rockies back in the early 70's ultimately led me to my own decision. I am forever thankful for her prayers to get me into the kingdom. Where would I be without Him? I don't even want to imagine. Life would have been too hard, impossible, in fact!

So my dinner tonight will be filled with memories, laughs and love. How blessed am I?