New Insights...

While most of the time I feel like I am moving forward in this healing process, it doesn't take much to send me reeling again.

Started up Thursday night, getting a 10:30 PM call from Katie that the kids had really pulled one by splaying toothpast every where upstairs ( see Katie's blog linked here.) And the only reason I am writing this is because Katie has put it out there. She and I talked and I felt she was more under control. We had a friend and his daughter staying overnight so my making the 40 minute drive to her house late at night seemed unwise. My anxiety attack began the next morning when I could not reach Katie or Tommy on their cell phones for several hours. And worse, Katie had changed her voicemail message to an old one she used to have that Laurie had copied. The same message on Laurie's cell now. I realized I was freaking about her/their safety. I had an appointment scheduled with my counselor at noon and by 10:30 AM I realized I could not make it to their house and back in time. All this time I kept telling myself it was all fine. Then I would switch back to a "what if Katie lost it last night, unable to cope with the stresses?" I know the levels in her life are enormous and she teeters. Katie's stress and mental state are apparent. Laurie's were hidden. In almost panic attack mode ( or Satan attack mode?) I called Kristin who now lives only about 10 mintues away what she was doing and could she go over to Katie and Tommy's house and check up on them. I even gave her the code for their front door. Poor Kristin. She and her roommate Liz headed over there and eventually I got the call that everyone was okay. Tommy called me back and apologized for the non return of my many calls. ( I am sadly becoming the overbearing mother-in-law) All this because I am now so over the top with concern and fear for the remainder of my family. Not fun. Not healthy. Not Godly. Just what I really feel. FEAR. Never, ever do I want to lose another child of mine, I don't want to lose anyone, in fact. I am sick of loss.

So perfect, however, is God's timing for my counseling appointment, I could walk in there in the midst of the recession of panic and just breath again. And I literally did that, several cleansing breaths in front of Glenn, my counselor and then poured out the progress (?) I had made this month. Oy.

And today, a great day....Katie and all the kids, Kristin, Pete's mom and dad, and Pete and I spent hours roaming around King Richard's Faire. We had a blast with four generations eating all kinds of Medieval food, the kids riding on old fashioned rides, henna tattoos for Katie and Kristin, just a good day. Now I am going out to push the kids on the swings. That is good.