I'll cry if I want to...
"It's my journal and I'll cry, if I want to, cry if I want to...you would cry too, if it happened to you." my takeoff on an old Leslie Gore tune from the 60's. I knew yesterday was bumpy when the first thing I remembered when I woke up was that this was the one year anniversary of one of the hardest days of my life. December 11th, 2005 was the day I saw manic behaviour in Katie. It was such a horrible scene, one that left me with a broken toe, and more...months later, things got worse. And now there is a medical diagnosis...bipolar.
"Regrets, I have a few..." another old song. I regret that my first marriage went south, I regret I did not see something in Laurie that Wednesday morning March 2nd, 2005 that let me know what she was planning and I regret we did not take Katie to the emergency room that Sunday night. Some things might have been turned around sooner. Looking back to last year on this blog brought back a lot of that pain.
So yesterday, I pushed through. Not focused, I actually clipped the back of my co-worker's parked car. Duh! Racing from work to Berwyn to get the kids ready for their school holiday program, I jump in greeting Katie and the twins and the sitter who are already at the house. I felt like some kindly drill sargeant, "Get your good clothes on, eat dinner quick, everyone, go the bathroom..." Pouring all of us into two cars, we arrive in plenty of time, took pictures. The songs, the program sweet. But Katie has to go before it's over to get the babies back home. Uck, this feels so bad. Back at the house, pajamas on and a bedtime snack. Ok, so a piece of chocolate was not the brightest idea. Why did I think everyone would just drift off to sleep? It is Isaiah that I have to yell at several times to knock it off. After a tussle with Denver, Isaiah goes wailing into Tommy's bed, sobbing, "Mommy, please come back home. Mommy, please come back home." And that is where I cannot stand it. I'll cry if I want to...Many things I have forgotten, but some things are seared into my brain. The day Denny told the kids he was leaving and each of them sobbing, flailing, going in all directions, I will never forget that. Isaiah's cry for his mom, will be another deep sigh memory.
Today Isaiah is fine. We just finished going to the dollar store where he picked out presents for Mommy, Daddy, Denver, Maya, Kylie, Rylan, Pada, Grandma Jeri, Aunt Wendy. We wrapped them and hid them in Dad's closet. And I am reminded of another song. Casting Crowns' "I will Praise You in the Storm."
The chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
that you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
you hold in your hand
you never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm
But I'll still cry if I want to...
posted by Barb K @ 2:31 PM
11 Comments:
Hi Barb,
I noticed your blog today and went to check out who Laurie was after reading your profile and a few posts.
I just want to say I'm so sorry. I lost my sister to suicide in 1997. And even all these years later, I still can't hardly believe it happened.
My heart goes out to you as you learn to cope and live in the face of your despair.
But we know, "With God, all things are possible" don't we?
Loved the story about the Cardinal. Very inspirational.
Well, thanks for letting me post!
Blessings,
Annie
Hi Barb,
Thank you for posting that. I have been so overwhelemed with everything lately, and I find that a good cry and some prayer do some good.
Thanks for being the best. Keep on trucking!
Jenna W. (formerly from BG)
Barb do I need to bring over some Cardinal cookies? After all I will have plenty more cookies this year to give out since we have been shunned from our relatives and asked never to spend another holiday with them again. More cookies for you! :)
Don't you just want to scream "IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!! WHY ME!!!! I have served you faithfully and you reward me with this?" You have a loving family that is going through alot right now. Blood is blood. It's your blood and you have to deal with it. God gave us his blood. My thoughts and prayers are with you this Christmas season! I get through the tough times by knowing that there are many, many, many others that have a harder time than me. God Bless you all!!!!
Barb- I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and your pain. I know that you remember you are not walking alone – He is walking every step with you. Please also know that there are hearts and prayers lifting you up here on earth. I wish there was something I could do to take the hurt away – but we both know that is not for earthly hands to do – I will pray tonight that the heavenly hands will touch and guide you.
barb,
oh, sweet isaiah, maya and denver...i'm sorry yesterday was so hard.
i'm praying...
sabrina
Barb, its horrible that you, the kids, and Tommy have to endure all of this. You brought none of the trials you have gone through on yourself. They have been placed on you most unfairly and my heart goes out to all of you. You are good people and dont deserve all this mess. I hope that somehow you all have a Merry Christmas and that God blesses you all with the greatest gift He can give in the new year- SOME PEACE AND HAPPINESS! You deserve it so badly. Much love to you.
Barb....
You just go ahead and cry! When the pressures of life get too great, sometimes the only thing that helps relieve the stress is a good cry. I feel for you and the many losses that you have endured in these past many years. In all of that, I also see that God has given you the grace to teach others how to overcome the darkest of hours. Your faith may be shaken but never lost. You are a survivor and a caregiver. God has used you in so many ways, some of which I am sure you would rather not have experienced, yet none the less He moves you through it for HIs Glory and adds blessing along the way.
You may not feel like it, but you are VERY special in God's eyes. Embrace the day and may it be one of your best.
In HIs Love,
Eileen
Hi Barb, I read your blog and just started crying. I cried and cried and prayed for you. Poor kids. They are always the ones who get the raw end of things. I am just so glad they have YOU and Pete. I am also dealing with junk. The two people who I posted on my blog with strokes, got worse. :( Mr. Rudnik is brain dead and I can't stop cryin over that. His family will take him off life support and he is an organ donor. He is such a nice, nice man. With ten grandkids. Oh my heart aches. Then Emma, is also worse today. Why at Christmas time? I love you my sweet sister..Know that. Gail
You are so strong barb! For God to allow you to go through this much heartache, He knows that you are tough. Yet it still doesnt make sense, and it still isn't fair -- that one person should have to go through so much. I think you are one of God's angels. And when you get to Heaven, God is going to have a very special spot just for you and your amazingness. Go ahead and cry, it usually makes me feel better. I find myself crying in the most ridiculous places lately.
God Bless you and your family with everything that you are struggling with!
Jenn :)
I love you Barb. I am thinking of my favorite hymn:
How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord, is laid for your faith in His excellent Word.
What more can He say than to you He has said--to you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?
When through fiery trials, thy pathway shall lie, My grace all-sufficient shall by Thy supply.
The flames shall not harm thee; I only design, thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose, I will not, I will not desert to his foes.
That soul, though all Hell should endeavor to shake, I will never, no never, no NEVER forsake.
You are solid gold Barb.
My prayers and HUGE hugs,
Debbi
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